Grieving the Loss of a Loved One. Lorene Hanley Duquin
Some of us deal with the grief by crying, while others of us find that we can’t cry at all. Some of us will be private in our grief, while others will be more demonstrative. Some of us will turn to God for comfort, while others will find that prayer is difficult.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is important for us to remember, however, that every loss — no matter how great or small — needs to be grieved.
It’s easier to understand our grief if we imagine that when our loved one died, it was as if someone injected us with a massive amount of negative energy that entered into our bodies. The negative energy might feel like sadness, anger, loneliness, tension, or pain. Grieving is the process by which we find ways to get the negative energy out of our systems.
Getting the negative energy out doesn’t mean that we stop loving the person. It doesn’t mean that we stop missing the person.
The pain we feel today will gradually lose its intensity and release its grip on us. Our grieving will end eventually, and we will begin to see that it doesn’t really matter how other people grieve. It doesn’t matter how much anyone else is suffering. What matters is that we are experiencing the loss of an important person, and that we need this special time to heal in our own unique way.
Prayer: Lord, help me to grieve the loss of my loved one. Help me to understand that you never promised a life without pain or suffering, but you did promise that you would be with us always. Comfort me in my sadness; and when I feel as if I can’t go on, carry me through the pain. Jesus, I trust in you. Amen.
St. Thérèse of Lisieux describes her grief over the loss of her mother in these words:
The moment Mummy died, my happy disposition changed completely. I had been lively and cheerful, but I became timid and quiet and a bundle of nerves. A glance was often enough to make me burst into tears. I was only happy if no one took notice of me, and I couldn’t endure being with strangers.
6. Suppressing Grief
If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble.
— Molière
There are many factors involved in the suppression of grief. But no matter what the reason we have for denying, avoiding, ignoring, or postponing our grief, it is one of the biggest mistakes we can make.
We may do it in an attempt to avoid the pain or because we don’t want to accept the reality of the death. We may try to postpone our grief because our lives are busy and we don’t want to “waste” time dealing with it. We may feel pressured by others to get back to normal. We may get so caught up in helping family members or friends deal with their grief that we don’t take time to work through our own sorrow.
The reality, however, is that grief does not go away on its own. It takes a tremendous amount of our energy to keep it locked away inside us. Eventually, whether we like it or not, the grief will resurface, and it is often more difficult to deal with delayed grief than it is to face it in the first place.
The word bereavement means “to be torn apart.” When someone we love dies, it feels as if they have been torn out of our lives, and we are left with a gaping wound. Grieving is the process by which we allow that wound to heal.
Grieving is hard work. During our time of bereavement, we have to accept the reality of the loss, acknowledge the pain that is associated with our loss, adjust to life without our loved one, recreate that person in our memory, and begin to move into a new stage in our own lives.
We have to work through each one of these aspects of grief — and when we come out of our time of bereavement, thoughts of our loved one will no longer be as painful. We won’t forget the person, and we will never stop loving or missing that person. We will be able to go on with our lives, carrying our loved one in a special place in our hearts, where no one can ever take them away from us again.
Prayer: Lord, I am afraid of the pain of grief. Be with me as I enter into this dark time in my life. Give me enough light so that I can always see the next step. Be my comfort. Be my guide. Be my strength. I cannot do this without you. Amen.
Warnings against suppressing grief have been passed down through the ages. The Roman poet Ovid (43 B.C.-A.D. 17) cautioned: “Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength.”
An old Turkish proverb advises: “He who conceals his grief finds no remedy for it.”
An Italian proverb predicts: “Grief pent up will burst the heart.”
7. Why Do I Feel Like This?
No one ever told me that grief feels so like fear.…
The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep swallowing. At times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed.
— C. S. Lewis
Grief is not an illness, but it can affect us physically. We may feel so fatigued that we border on the brink of exhaustion. We may complain about unusual aches in our muscles and joints. We may feel a tightness in our chests, a racing heart, or a lump in our throats. We may suffer from headaches and backaches. We may feel hot or cold.
Our breathing may change. Some of us will take shallow breaths. Some of us will unconsciously hold our breath. We may breathe too quickly, creating a feeling of faintness or dizziness. We may find that we are prone to deep sighs and yawning.
Because these physical symptoms of grief can weaken the immune system, we may be more prone to colds or infections. We may break out with a rash or realize that our hair is falling out.
Food can be a problem — we may eat too much or can’t bear to eat at all. We may be bothered by noise, but silence may also seem unbearable. We may be plagued with feelings of anxiety. We may find that we wrinkle our brow or clench our teeth without even realizing what we are doing. We may find ourselves trembling.
As incredible as it may seem, all of these physical symptoms are normal for a grieving person. It is the body’s physical response to the loss we have experienced. It is part of the pain we must experience as we adjust to life without our loved one.
The best advice is to be patient. Over time, the physical symptoms of grief should begin to diminish. If they persist at their original intensity, it is a good idea to see a doctor. In the meantime, turn to Jesus, who is the physician for our souls, and ask for his help and healing.
Prayer: Lord, have mercy on me. I am experiencing physical pain in response to the loss of my loved one. I believe that you have the power to comfort me, to console me, and to heal me. I beg you to touch my life with your healing love. Amen.
One of the best ways to manage the physical symptoms of grief is to turn our breathing into a prayer. Start by taking slow, deep breaths and imagine that you are breathing in God’s love. Then breathe out tension. Breathe in God’s love, and breathe out pain. Breathe in God’s love, and breathe out sadness. Breathe in God’s love, and breathe out anything that is bothersome or troubling.
The beauty of the breathing prayer is that it can be done anytime, in any place, and no one even knows that we are praying. It calms and comforts.