Made for This. Mary Haseltine
John H., dad to nine on Earth and one in eternity
Fathers have the opportunity to be Christ to their wives in the birth room. Rather than simply wanting to take away the pain, a husband can do something more profound and Christlike — he can enter into it with her, support her through it, and allow her to live out this piece of her story, just as Christ had to allow his mother to endure the suffering of his cross.
Birth often leaves husbands with a newfound respect for their wives as they witness in a raw and unforgettable way the power of the feminine genius. Perhaps that is part of God’s plan, too. Birth is an opportunity not only for the woman to become more fully who she is called to be, but also for the man to become more fully who he is called to be.
He was an integral part of the delivery. He believed in me, was present with me emotionally, and gave me the space to freak out while he calmly massaged my temples or wrists. This guy knew nothing about birth — but now we joke that he should lead doula dad conferences. Having a role — and an important one at that — bridged the gap between feeling like labor was foreign and mysterious and for women only to feeling like it was something we as a couple were facing together.
— Nell O’Leary, mom to four
Husbands can actively live out their love for their wives and babies during the precious postpartum time. During the weeks after birth, dad should ensure that mom is resting, eating well, drinking enough water. He should be as helpful as possible, keeping up with chores and other children, and guarding her time of recovery from outside stress and unhelpful visitors. He should consider it his sacred duty to protect her during this time. He should always remember to keep the needs of his wife and new baby at the forefront of his obligations, giving them precedence over the desires of grandparents, unnecessary work obligations, or his own wants. Dads are incredibly important to the postpartum time, and the more support a man gives his wife during this time, the healthier she, their baby, and, ultimately, their entire family will be.
Birth is transformative not only for the woman, but also for the husband. A healthy, good, beautiful birth, especially one in which he was able to support his wife well, can give him confidence as he enters into the responsibilities fatherhood brings. And while it is important for the father to be at the service of his wife, recognizing her primary role in the experience, it’s also important for him to understand, especially afterward, how the birth may have changed him, too.
Whether it is before, during, or after birth, the man has a tremendous and beautiful opportunity to fulfill his sacred obligation to serve his bride and love her the way Christ loved his Church, laying his very life down for her sake.64 It is in this that he becomes the fullest version of himself, rising to the challenge of true manhood, giving his life in ways big and small for the sake of his beloved.
My husband was Christ to me in a very special way during the birth journey of our firstborn. He was that Christlike presence to me in a way we had both never experienced before. He pursued my best interest with courage. He made prayerful decisions that were hard to make at different times. He remained by me during my most difficult suffering, smiled with me during the exciting times, cried with me during the challenging and joyful times, and so much more. All these gifts that he imparted to me, his wife, then and every day since then in both big and small ways, are what kept me positive and steadfast during the weeks of recovery.
— Amanda Perales, mom to three
When the Father Is Not Present
A couple undergoing difficulties in marriage will not leave that behind in the birth room. If there is underlying tension or trouble in a marriage, it is best to do what is possible to address that before the birth. It may be that the birth is a chance for the couple to renew their commitment and a reminder of their vows and love. But if their relationship is greatly stressed or in turmoil, it is important for the mother to discern whether the father’s presence will be a help or a strain in the birth room. As we’ve mentioned and will discuss further, a woman during labor needs to focus on being completely relaxed, vulnerable, and open. If there is an emotional stressor in the room, even if it is from the husband, while it’s certainly not ideal, it may be better for him to be more distant from the birth.
Unfortunately, there are many other instances, too, where the father cannot or should not be present during the pregnancy or birth. This might be due to death, marital issues, or military deployment. There is also the reality of single mothers who do not have a husband or partner to support them through birth. Rather than pretending it doesn’t matter, we respect her dignity as well as the dignity of the baby and the plan of God by acknowledging that this is a very real loss and allowing her to process it as such.
While it is truly valuable and desirable to have an involved and active father present for his wife and baby, the mother without one can take heart knowing that this deep lack can be offered up and united to the sufferings of Christ. It is highly encouraged that a doula or other solid support people be present with her for the actual birth. When the father cannot be involved or present for any reason, this is a chance for the Body of Christ to step in and offer support to the mother and baby however they need.
Immediately after birth, be quick to place the child in the father’s arms — as the ancient Romans were wont to do — but with a spirit incomparably more elevated. For the Romans, it was the affirmation of the paternity and the authority which derived from it; here it is grateful homage to the Creator, the invocation of divine blessings, the promise to fulfill with devout affection the office which God has committed him. If the Lord praises and rewards the faithful servant for having yielded him five talents, what praise, what reward will he reserve for the father, who has guarded and raised for him a human life entrusted to him, greater than all the gold and silver of the world?
— Pope Pius XII, Allocution to Midwives
Choosing Your Care Provider
“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, without uncertainty or insincerity.”— James 3:17
The choice of a care provider is one of the most important decisions you will make during pregnancy. Your choice of provider will affect where you will birth, how you will birth, the tests and interventions you are likely to receive, and your overall experience of pregnancy. It will also affect your treatment during birth, your feelings about that birth, and your confidence and trust in future births.
Two Different Philosophies of Birth
Providers typically subscribe to one of two distinct philosophies of birth.
The first philosophy views birth as a normal process for the female body, a process that, except in unusual circumstances, a woman is able to do quite well on her own. In this view, the design of the female body is seen as complete, meaning that most often a woman’s body does not need outside help to give birth. After all, women have been giving birth for millennia, and the human race has multiplied quite well thus far. Providers with this philosophy only seek to intervene appropriately when an anomaly or complication presents itself. These providers see their role more as a “lifeguard,” ready to intervene if necessary but trusting that the birth process is designed to work well. A well-trained provider using this method has witnessed birth many times, knows what is normal and what is not, and is skilled in knowing how to recognize anomalies and complications before they become dangerous. This philosophy has come to be referred to in the last several decades as the midwifery model of care.
The second philosophy is what some call the medical model of care. This approach views birth as urgent. It requires that a birth prove itself to be normal before assuming it is. In this view, birth is seen as risky, and interventions are taken whether the mother and child need them or not — just in case. Providers with this view believe that because complications do sometimes arise, it is safest to treat every woman accordingly. There is a standard “type” of birth considered normal and ideal, and women must not fall outside that