Can We Be Friends?. Rebecca Frech
in the middle of a period of chaos and upheaval in my life, my friend Jen can be counted on to say: “When was the last time you went to confession? Your life always goes sideways when you haven’t been going.” What’s remarkable about that is that she’s not Catholic. She doesn’t stop to think about what she believes. She knows the things that are part of my walk with Christ, and she can see the peace that the sacraments bring me. While we don’t see eye to eye on theology, we’ve both got our gazes firmly fixed on Jesus.
Good friends aren’t shy about holding each other accountable if one goes off the road and starts drifting into sinful behavior. Faithful friends rejoice over God’s blessings for the other and are bold in crying out to him on each other’s behalf. During the most difficult times of life, a good friend will be like Simon of Cyrene, helping us to carry our cross. They truly want what’s best for us and know that that ultimately means heaven. They help us work toward our own salvation even as we help them toward theirs. Friends are brothers and sisters in Christ, and that makes us family.
We are witnesses of one another
My ninety-six-year-old grandmother puts it even more simply: “Our friends serve as the witnesses of our lives. They are there to remind us of the things we have forgotten and the tales we’ve lived along the way. When we are gone, they tell the world that someone like us once lived and loved. Then someday, hopefully, they will come to stand before the Throne of the Almighty and argue on our behalf. On that day, may their tongues be true and their memories a little faulty.” Amen.
Chapter 2
What Is a Friend?
“In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. They keep the young out of mischief; they comfort and aid the old in their weakness, and they incite those in the prime of life to noble deeds.”
— Aristotle
We’ve gotten lazy with the word “friend” in the past few years. A word that used to mean a person you were close to, or “the family you choose for yourself,” has become slang for anyone (and everyone) we know. “Can you recommend a plumber?” I have a friend… “Do you know anyone who goes to that gym?” I have a friend…
Of course, these people aren’t really friends. They may be nice enough, but they’re only people we are familiar with through life or social media — people whose names and faces we happen to know.
Our grandparents used to call such people acquaintances, and I’m all for breathing new life into that word. There’s nothing wrong with being an acquaintance and not a friend. It simply means that you’re not invested in each other’s lives. I don’t know my plumber’s favorite movie, where he hopes to retire, or anything about his family. I do know that he snakes a mean drain, that he’s fast and efficient when the pipes go wonky, and that he charges me reasonable prices. I don’t really need to know my plumber any better than that. He seems to be a nice guy, but he’s not my friend.
I’m also not friends with my next-door neighbor, the guy who mows the grass, most of the people on my social media “friend lists,” or even my best friend from junior high school. Thanks to modern technology, I may be able to tell you what they ate for dinner last night and where they went on their last vacation, but that knowledge merely creates an illusion of companionship. None of us actually knows each other as people. “Liking” someone’s Facebook posts and posting birthday greetings when social media prompts us to do so is not the same as a real relationship, and somewhere inside of us we all know that.
So, what is a friend? Simply put, it’s someone to spend time with, enjoy, depend on — someone with whom you share your life. It looks so simple on paper, but a deep friendship can actually be a very complex relationship. Part of that stems from the fact that there’s a wide range of people between those we just happen to know of, an acquaintance, and the kind of friend Aristotle called “one soul in two bodies.”
Work friends
After acquaintances, most people we know tend to fall into the “work friend” category. Our work friends are the people we hang out with because we have one or more activities which regularly place us in close proximity. We’re at the same place at the same time, so we chat and hang out because they are convenient to talk to or to do stuff with. They are people we probably wouldn’t choose to hang out with on our own, but when in Rome … : the girl in your history class you grab a coffee with while you compare notes and study for the next exam, the coworker who may be a little older or younger than you but is also the only other normal person in your department, the only other mom at gymnastics class with no makeup and a messy ponytail who’s not talking about when her three-year-old is going to be an Olympic gold medalist — these are your people of the moment and your sanity in the midst of craziness.
While they’re great for inside jokes and snarky commentary for now, they’re probably not going to last beyond graduation, your next job change, or your princess deciding she’s really more into karate than gymnastics. There will be many of these temporary friends during your life. You’ll pick them up and then set them down again once your paths diverge, and there won’t be any hard feelings about it. The glue that held you together will be gone. Five years from now, you’ll see them online or at the grocery store and wrack your brain to remember: “I know I know that guy, but what was his name?” Don’t worry about it, because that person will be doing exactly the same thing when he sees you.
Your kids’ friends’ parents or your spouse’s/significant other’s friends
The parents of your children’s friends and your husband or wife’s friends are work friends who deserve their own category. You’re going to be spending a significant amount of time with them whether you like it or not. You may not even have anything in common with them except that your kids are inseparable or you both like hanging out with your husband. Well, suck it up, because your opinion doesn’t really matter here.
You’re not in charge of these relationships, and it is likely you’re in for the long haul. You’re going to be emotionally invested in their families and welfare because it will directly affect your kids or your spouse. Hopefully, they’re going to be cool, and y’all can just hang out, swapping embarrassing stories and stupid internet memes. If you’re lucky, they’ll move beyond the work-friend territory and become your friends in their own right. If not, that’s okay, too.
Your inner circle
Work friends are great, but when we’re assembling our inner circle, we look for a little bit more. We look for people to fill specific roles in our life, just as they are looking for people to fill roles in theirs. It may not even be an on-purpose decision, but it happens all the same. If someone posed the question, “Who is he to you?” your brain would think, “Now that you mention it …”
When you are looking around for a new BFF, some of it is up to chemistry, but don’t think that it isn’t an intentional decision. Making friends is one skill, and choosing them is quite another. Picking the right people to be close to you is very important. The people we surround ourselves with rub off on us. We pick up quirks and habits, sayings and attitudes from them. We tell our children to be mindful of the crowd they run around with, and we need to do exactly the same thing.
When we’re looking for friends, we all want people who are honest, understand our sense of humor, and stand by us. We don’t usually think about the roles they are going to end up playing in our lives, but we should. We all have a few key slots to fill in our posse; here are a few of the most common:
The Sage
Oh, wise one, tell me what you know.
We all need people in our lives who are smart, inspiring, honest, and give great advice. These aren’t the friends you take on wild adventures, but they can be counted on for a trip to the coffee shop and hours of deep conversation. We all need at least one friend who is a little older, more experienced, better read, or just flat-out willing to tell us the ugly, unvarnished truth. That’s