Don't Let the Culture Raise Your Kids. Marcia Segelstein
If You Didn’t Start Young, Start Now
Dr. Den Trumbull is a founding member of the American College of Pediatricians and has been in practice for over thirty years. I asked him about parents who realize they need to change direction, take charge, and become more authoritative. “I want to make it really clear that it’s never too late to start,” he told me in an interview for National Catholic Register. Trumbull suggests that parents begin by choosing two or three behaviors that need work. “Then sit down with your four or six or eight-year-old and apologize. ‘We’re sorry for how we have mismanaged a, b and c. Because of our love for you we’re now going to change our approach, and you’re probably not going to be happy with it. But we’re doing this for your own good because we realize we’ve been too easy, too lenient. We’ve allowed you to do things we shouldn’t have. We love you very much, but we need to change our approach.’”25 Chances are the misbehavior will increase for the first week, Dr. Trumbull says. But generally speaking, after the first week parents will begin to see results.
Rule-making
When making rules, be sure they’re clear and age-appropriate. Don’t ask children to follow rules, tell them. And, adds Dr. Sax, don’t negotiate. Very young children don’t need lengthy explanations about the “whys” behind rules. With older kids, understanding the “whys” will help them take ownership of the rules.
Dr. Thomas Lickona, often called “the father of modern character development,” is a developmental psychologist and author of several books, including How to Raise Kind Kids and Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain. He offers some examples of clear and specific rules parents can make:
• “Say ‘please’ when you’d like something and ‘thank you’ whenever someone does something for you.”
• “Don’t interrupt.”
• Look at the person who’s talking to you.”
• “Come when you’re called — and say ‘Coming’ so I know you’ve heard me.”
• “When someone asks you a question or says something to you, respond.”26
When kids forget the rules, he says, remind them. Remember that rules help children learn self-discipline. “No television until homework’s done,” is not only reasonable, it teaches children temperance.
Here’s a primer on establishing rules from the American College of Pediatricians’ website, based on Laurence Steinberg’s book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting:
• All children need structure in their lives, and the best way to do this is to establish clear rules and limits.
• Be sure to establish rules that “make sense, that are appropriate to your child’s age, and that are flexible enough to change as your child matures.”
• Be firm in making your children keep the rules that have been appropriately set.27
Have Your “Teaching Toolbox” Ready
As Dr. Anderson points out, the word “discipline,” which often has negative connotations, actually comes from the Greek word “to disciple.” Think in advance about how you’ll discipline, so that when the time comes you can reach into your figurative “toolbox.” Dr. Anderson’s preferred method of discipline for children is the time out, and she gives general guidelines for using it. Time out should be wherever the activity isn’t. She recommends using a movable object, like a small chair or pillow, so it can be moved or taken elsewhere, such as to Grandma’s house. At very young ages it should only be used for a few seconds. After time out, says Anderson, always give a hug and address the infraction by, for example, saying, “I love you, but you’re not allowed to hit.” You’re telling the child you love him, but his behavior was inappropriate. “Time out provides the child with a nice, quiet, safe place where she can re-group, calm herself, get herself under control and think about her actions.”28 Dr. Trumbull believes that a playpen time out is reasonable at the age of fifteen months, and that most children are ready for a chair time out starting at eighteen months to two years.
For parents who use spanking as a method of discipline, there are parameters Dr. Trumbull recommends. Use it when milder measures have failed; it shouldn’t be your first or only option. The typical ages for spanking are between two and six, because appealing to reason and consequences are less effective for smaller children. Spanking should always be a planned action; it should never be a reaction or made in anger. Spanking should never be harmful or cause bruising. To be specific, use an open hand to deliver one or two swats to the bottom. It should always occur in private, never in a public setting, in order to avoid humiliating the child. And it needs to be followed by a review of the offense, and the reassurance of the parents’ unconditional love for the child.
It’s important to note that the line between spanking and child abuse is hotly disputed these days. Legal challenges to parents spanking their children have been raised in several states, including New York, California, and Texas. In 2012, Delaware became the first state to ban parents from hitting their children, redefining child abuse as anything that causes “pain.” Parents should be aware that they run the risk of being labeled child abusers if children complain to school teachers or administrators that they’re spanked at home.
Here are some other age-appropriate disciplinary tools and tips, courtesy of Dr. Trumbull:
• By age three and a half, privilege removal is a reasonable punishment.
• For school age children and teenagers, withdrawing privileges, grounding, and drawing fines out of allowances are appropriate and effective.
• Rewards can be useful teaching tools. For younger children, parents can reward good behavior with things such as stickers. For older children, rewards can take the form of increasing privileges.
In general, Trumbull says that parents need to remember that children also need affirmation and encouragement. Correction or punishment without affirmation will be counterproductive.
Assign Chores
Introduce household chores, like Kay Wills Wyma did. Her plan involved assigning a new chore every month to her five children. By the time a year was over, they not only cleaned their own rooms, they cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, and helped prepare meals. Wyma found that giving her children meaningful work fostered not only personal responsibility but emotional health, to say nothing of establishing parental authority. You don’t need an elaborate plan, but you do need one that’s age appropriate. Cleaning up toys is a good place to start. Then move up to making beds, putting dirty laundry in its place, setting and clearing the dinner table, helping with yard work, and cleaning bedrooms. The key — and often the hard part, as Wyma found out — is making sure the chores are completed and having a plan for what follows if they aren’t. Be clear up front about the rewards and punishments.
Dr. Anderson believes chores are good for children in many ways. They don’t just teach responsibility, they keep children — especially teenagers — connected to their families.
Establish Rituals
Simple rituals with kids, such as movie and game nights, or weekly visits to a library or coffee shop, can help forge and strengthen parent-child bonds.
Have Family Dinners
Family meals go a long way in cementing ties. In fact, there’s research on the benefits of family dinners. The American College of Pediatricians examined a range of studies on the subject. They found evidence of so many advantages for families who had regular meals together that they now recommend their members encourage parents to partake of the family table. Better family relationships, healthier eating, better grades, and decreased drug and alcohol use by teens are just some of the many benefits of frequent (defined as five per week) family meals. “When families regularly share meals together,”