The Seeds of Love. Jerry Braza, Ph.D.
beginner’s mind? We must begin by letting go of the baggage of past experience and perception-shaping memories. Without them, our minds are clear to accept ourselves and others, allowing us to see in a fresh new way. Living as a beginner offers the ideal mindset for learning, teaching and relationships. Think how refreshing it would be to encounter a familiar person but be consciously able to see them as if for the first time, with no preconceived notions of who they are, no baggage, no memories to shape your perception. “Habit energies”—our mindless or robotic way of seeing things—often cloud the way we see others, especially those who are closest to us. Contrast our perceptions with those of children, who are captivated each moment with delight and discovery. This comparison offers a reminder and paradox for us on how we can experience others and ourselves without the models we’ve built of how we “should” be and do.
Unconditional Acceptance and Non-Judgmental Mind
Imagine how it feels to know that you have people in your life who love you and accept you unconditionally, without judgment. These people see you perfectly, just as you are, and you don’t have to work to prove yourself or gain their acceptance. What would that feel like for you? Now stop to consider how you think about others. How often do you find yourself trying to change someone? How much energy do you invest in trying to “fix” things about them or change their behaviors or decisions? Because most of us have learned to be judgmental of ourselves, it’s only natural that we judge—and even reject—others.
When we love someone, we want what is best for them, yet our desire to help is often clouded by our own perception of what is best. That perception may be based on what we want rather than on what they need. In gardens, as in life, growth can only take place when we accept conditions as they are. One of my favorite mantras, “It is what it is,” can be very helpful in creating a foundation of acceptance from which we can learn ways to nurture the qualities that sustain life and transform the qualities that detract from it.
Unconditional acceptance of others springs from a deep, unconditional acceptance of ourselves. How often do we focus our attention on minor outward imperfections and not on our true character? Unfortunately we often have only a superficial awareness of what is going on in others and ourselves, and our focus is far too often on negative rather than positive attributes.
“Imagine that half the world is hidden from you. Half of the person sitting across from you has never been appreciated, half of the garden has never been seen or smelled, half of your own life has never been truly witnessed and appraised.” —Arthur Zajonc
If we truly love someone, we must begin from the position of unconditional acceptance, both of the half we see and the half we don’t. We must embrace those unseen facets as the mystery and the journey of discovering our partner in relationship. Loving others requires acceptance and a nonjudgmental attitude, despite what we see as their vulnerabilities and imperfections. It means loving the other not only when they are pleasing us or making us happy, so that our actions say, “I love you because of who you are and not only what supports my ego.” When we hold an underlying judgment or a need for someone to be different, that is what shapes our view of our loved one. In such cases, our words or behaviors may say, “I love you if you conform to my needs and expectations.” It is easy to perceive others in this way when the seed of judgment within us has been watered and reinforced. Over time judgment can grow into resentment, and once resentment springs up, it is impossible to truly love.
Think of a time when you met someone, and your initial impression caused you to form a certain judgment about them. Future encounters may continue to build on this early judgment to the point of becoming a stereotype. Without being mindful of the judgment you have made, you may spend months and even years allowing your belief to overshadow that person’s true self, capabilities, and personality.
I admit I have done this myself, unconsciously creating a perception of students on the first day of class on the basis of their personalities or perceived capabilities. One such person entered my class, and it was easy to see he had experienced some kind of accident or trauma that led to a disability. At first I was not sure how best to support him to facilitate his learning. I knew I needed to create an understanding, so I invited him to visit during my office hours. In only a short time, he shared how two near-fatal accidents had left him with permanent disabilities. Beneath a façade of physical struggle was a strong person who overcame many odds to survive and succeed. By quickly moving beyond the stereotype and viewing him with unconditional love and acceptance, I discovered this person’s true potential–and, more important, he discovered his own worth and potential. The acceptance he found allowed him to excel far beyond anyone’s expectations, including his own. He took all of my classes and eventually became a teaching assistant. After five years and nearly weekly meetings, he graduated with a master’s degree. He grew in love and constantly demonstrated gratitude for all those who supported him. At graduation, in addition to giving me a copy of his master’s project, he presented me with a book he wrote called “Wednesdays with Jerry.” Imagine what a different outcome could have occurred if I had judged him during our first encounter.
Faith
We create the greatest potential for growth by first selecting the best seeds. In choosing seeds, we demonstrate faith that they will sprout into healthy growth, and we need faith as we wait for that growth before we can enjoy the flowers and fruits.
“We are the gardeners who identify, water, and cultivate the best seeds. We need some faith that there are good seeds within us, and then, with appropriate attention, we need to touch those seeds while we go through our day.” —Thich Nhat Hanh
Just as we instinctively know a seed will sprout, our faith in others is instinctual as well. It is an underlying philosophy that supports our very being. A child has faith that his mother is there to meet his needs, or she believes her favorite blanket will comfort and protect her. We all desire a safe and solid place to stand—a refuge where we are accepted—and we have faith that such a place exists. The haven of relationship is where we first learn faith, where we test our wings and learn the skills we need from each other so each of us can grow.
When my wife and I chose our wedding rings, we decided jointly to have a green stone as the focal point of each ring to remind us of our growth together. That choice more thirty years ago has become the focus of our relationship—to have unconditional love for and faith in each other, to grow as individuals and to commit to the continuing growth of our relationship. Regardless of the type of relationship, growth relies on faith, and in turn causes faith to increase.
“Those who do not have faith in others will not be able to stand on their own. Those who are always suspicious will be lonely.”
—Sheng Yen, (from Jack Kornfield’s The Buddha is Still Teaching: Contemporary Buddhist Wisdom)
Patience
In an era of instant communication and fast food, our reliance on modern conveniences makes it all too easy for us to expect instant gratification and immediate results. Unfortunately, that expectation spills over into other areas of our lives, including gardening. I recall my curiosity regarding the slow growth of my spinach plants. Wondering why they were taking so much time to bloom, I started to pull out a few tiny sprouts. Almost immediately I noticed how, in my impatience, I destroyed the roots and the potential for growth. In relationships as in the garden, growth takes time. Expecting others to bloom before they are ready is like trying to force spinach to grow faster.
In moving through your day, seek a mindset of openness to see each person and experience each moment with the eyes of a child. See your spouse, family and friends as if for the first time. Letting go of what happened in the past, open your eyes and heart. With unconditional acceptance, faith and patience, see how they go through seasons of growth and blooming.
“Real patience requires a gentle willingness to let life unfold at its own pace. This willingness, in turn, requires mindfulness.”
—Joan Borysenko
Practice:
• Reflect on what it felt like