Pygmalion (Wisehouse Classics Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
him, triumphant] Now you’re talking! I thought you’d come off it when you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night. [Confidentially] You’d had a drop in, hadn’t you?
| THE FLOWER GIRL. | Ah — ah — ah — ow — ow — oo! [She stands, half rebellious, half bewildered]. |
| PICKERING. | [very courteous] Won’t you sit down? |
| LIZA. | [coyly] Don’t mind if I do. [She sits down. Pickering returns to the hearthrug]. |
| HIGGINS. | What’s your name? |
| THE FLOWER GIRL. | Liza Doolittle. |
| HIGGINS. | [declaiming gravely] Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess, They went to the woods to get a birds nes’: Pickering. They found a nest with four eggs in it: Higgins. They took one apiece, and left three in it. |
They laugh heartily at their own wit.
| LIZA. | Oh, don’t be silly. |
| MRS. PEARCE. | You mustn’t speak to the gentleman like that. |
| LIZA. | Well, why won’t he speak sensible to me? |
| HIGGINS. | Come back to business. How much do you propose to pay me for the lessons? |
| LIZA. | Oh, I know what’s right. A lady friend of mine gets French lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real French gentleman. Well, you wouldn’t have the face to ask me the same for teaching me my own language as you would for French; so I won’t give more than a shilling. Take it or leave it. |
| HIGGINS. | [walking up and down the room, rattling his keys and his cash in his pockets] You know, Pickering, if you consider a shilling, not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl’s income, it works out as fully equivalent to sixty or seventy guineas from a millionaire. |
| PICKERING. | How so? |
| HIGGINS. | Figure it out. A millionaire has about 150 pounds a day. She earns about half-a-crown. |
| LIZA. | [haughtily] Who told you I only — |
| HIGGINS. | [continuing] She offers me two-fifths of her day’s income for a lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire’s income for a day would be somewhere about 60 pounds. It’s handsome. By George, it’s enormous! it’s the biggest offer I ever had. |
| LIZA. | [rising, terrified] Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get — |
| HIGGINS. | Hold your tongue. |
| LIZA. | [weeping] But I ain’t got sixty pounds. Oh — |
| MRS. PEARCE. | Don’t cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going to touch your money. |
| HIGGINS. | Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if you don’t stop snivelling. Sit down. |
| LIZA. | [obeying slowly] Ah — ah — ah — ow — oo — o! One would think you was my father. |
| HIGGINS. | If I decide to teach you, I’ll be worse than two fathers to you. Here [he offers her his silk handkerchief]! |
| LIZA. | What’s this for? |
| HIGGINS. | To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember: that’s your handkerchief; and that’s your sleeve. Don’t mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop. |
Liza, utterly bewildered, stares helplessly at him.
| MRS. PEARCE. | It’s no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: she doesn’t understand you. Besides, you’re quite wrong: she doesn’t do it that way at all [she takes the handkerchief]. |
| LIZA. | [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to me, not to you. |
| PICKERING. | [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as her property, Mrs. Pearce. |
| MRS. PEARCE. | [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins. |
| PICKERING. | Higgins: I’m interested. What about the ambassador’s garden party? I’ll say you’re the greatest teacher alive if you make that good. I’ll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you can’t do it. And I’ll pay for the lessons. |
| LIZA. | Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain. |
| HIGGINS. | [tempted, looking at her] It’s almost irresistible. She’s so deliciously low — so horribly dirty — |
| LIZA. | [protesting extremely] Ah — ah — ah — ah — ow — ow — oooo!!! I ain’t dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did. |
| PICKERING. | You’re certainly not going to turn her head with flattery, Higgins. |
| MRS. PEARCE. | [uneasy] Oh, don’t say that, sir: there’s more ways than one of turning a girl’s head; and nobody can do it better than Mr. Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you won’t encourage him to do anything foolish. |
| HIGGINS. | [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn’t come every day. I shall make a duchess of this draggletailed guttersnipe. |
| LIZA. | [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah — ah — ah — ow — ow — oo! |
| HIGGINS. | [carried away] Yes: in six months — in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue — I’ll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. We’ll start today: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand, if it won’t come off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen? |
| MRS. PEARCE. | [protesting]. Yes; but — |
| HIGGINS. | [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up Whiteley or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper till they come. |
| LIZA. | You’re no gentleman, you’re not, to talk of such things. I’m a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do. |
| HIGGINS. | We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman. You’ve got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her. |
| LIZA. | [springing up and running between Pickering and Mrs. Pearce for protection] No! I’ll call the police, I will. |
| MRS. PEARCE. | But I’ve no place to put her. |
| HIGGINS. | Put her in the dustbin. |
| LIZA. | Ah — ah — ah — ow — ow — oo! |
| PICKERING. | Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable. |
| MRS. PEARCE. | [resolutely] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins: really you must. You can’t walk over everybody like this. |
Higgins, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr of amiable surprise.
| HIGGINS. | [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours. |
Liza, reassured, steals back to her chair.
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