The Ikigai Journey. Francesc Miralles
an automatic pattern.
The first step towards being able to reprogram our mind is to identify the routine that makes you do the thing that is not in your best interests. In his own case, Duhigg observed how he was overcome by tiredness every day at three in the afternoon, which he redressed by going down to the cafeteria and buying the chocolate cookie.
The second step is to experiment with new rewards in order to instill the new habit. What the NYT journalist really needed was to take a break, and the cookie represented the solution he had unconsciously incorporated into his everyday life. Once he was mindful of that, he replaced the “reward” with a healthier one—leaving his office and stopping by a colleague’s desk for a ten-minute chat.
He thus managed to have his break without adding to his weight problem.
To establish the new habit over the twenty-one days, so that it would become a part of his routine, Duhigg would set an alarm for the time the subconscious impulse came upon him. That was the signal for the journalist to leave whatever he was doing and pop out to chat for ten minutes with a workmate. If no one was available, he would go out for a walk.
According to several studies, up to forty percent of the decisions we make throughout the day are routines that our brain recreates repeatedly, and in some cases has been doing for years. They are not meditated acts. If we identify the ones that harm us, replace them with positive ones and make an effort to instill the new habit for twenty-one days, our life will take an almost miraculously qualitative leap forward.
How to introduce a new habit
We have based this exercise on Charles Duhigg’s techniques. It is aimed at “cleaning out” our bad habits and quickening our pace as we move towards our goals.
For a deeper exploration of habits and how we can train ourselves to form healthy ones, we recommend reading Duhigg’s The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business.
Let’s go to the practical application:
STEP 1 – Identifying how and when the habit appears:
• What is the bad habit?
____________________________________________
• At what time does it happen?
____________________________________________
• In which place?
____________________________________________
• Which people are around?
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• What emotions do you feel at that point?
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STEP 2 – Identifying the reward:
• What is your reward for carrying out your bad habit?
____________________________________________
• Which healthful habit can you replace it with to get a similar reward?
____________________________________________
For example, if we have the bad habit of eating candy in the middle of the afternoon, we can try replacing it with a fresh carrot or some nuts. If we still don’t feel satisfied, we can try going for a walk. Maybe the impulse to eat candy stems from feeling bored or anxious. The only way to know for sure is by testing different substitutes until we hit on one that both makes us feel satisfied and does us no harm.
STEP 3 – Establishing the routine
It is very hard to suddenly change a routine, which is why it is important to identify a reward in STEP 2 that is motivating enough for us to make the change happen.
Once we have established how and when the habit appears in STEP 1, and the reward that will replace it in STEP 2, we can move on to establishing the new routine that will help us get rid of the bad habit.
• When I feel like _______________________________,
what I will do is ________________________________
because it will give me ___________________________
____________________________________________.
For example: When I feel like eating cookies at five in the afternoon, and I feel lonely and bored at home, what I will do is go out for a walk to clear my head because it will give me the reward of energizing myself and the pleasure of anticipating sitting down later with a good book and a cup of tea.
5th STATION
FEEDBACK
How others see us
Having continuous feedback is one of the fundamental principles of engineering, whether it be for train improvements or for a moon mission. Feedback is the mirror that others show us to reflect our progress.
The scientific method is in fact based on “trial and error”; different solutions are tried out—like Edison when he was looking for the filament for his light bulb—and each failure leads to a new alternative until you finally see the light.
This is also applicable to the design of life itself. We can review each area of our life —relationships, career path, finances, cultural circle, etc.—and rate them individually from 1 to 10, depending on how satisfied we are.
The ones that rank low will require us to improve and adjust them, most likely through changing our habits, as we saw in the previous chapter.
Ask for negative feedback
When they asked Elon Musk—whose drive to innovate was discussed earlier in this book—about the secret of his success, he replied: “Pay attention to other people’s opinions…, especially the negative feedback from your family and friends.”
Getting or giving feedback is not always easy, since feelings can deceive us. Are you capable of telling a friend, to their face, what they are doing wrong? Are you capable of accepting negative criticism about a job you have devoted months of work to?
Never Give Unsolicited Advice
Often, when we see something in another person’s life that’s not working, we feel tempted to give our opinion, even though we haven’t been asked for it. In most cases, all our initiative does is cause the other person stress, since if they had wanted our advice, they would have asked for it.
What’s more, this unsolicited feedback may be perceived as criticism, putting the other person on the defensive and possibly generating resentment.
As far back as a century ago, Dale Carnegie was pointing out that criticism is very rarely welcome, since it attacks a person’s self-esteem. He claimed that much more is achieved through a positive stimulus— pointing out what they do well.
In those cases where criticism is necessary, because we have a sense of responsibility towards the other person—an employee, student or child —it is important that before we voice it, we prepare the way with praise that makes the recipient feel loved and valued.
Various studies have calculated that in personal and professional relationships the praise-to-criticism ratio is five to one.
When we receive negative feedback, we react instinctively by running away from it. We have trouble accepting it. Few people take the time to analyze what others tell them.
Of course, there is malicious criticism, which is the product of envy, but when several people point out the same problem or behavior, it is worthwhile to step back, look at things objectively, and take steps to make the needed changes.
If we want to take a qualitative leap forward in what we are doing, asking for negative feedback directly may be a big help. This means asking the right people—those we know