The Royal Pain. MaryJanice Davidson
with the grand opening of the new salmon farm.”
“The day after tomorrow, Your Majesty.”
“Tell her I’d like to have a meeting with her before she takes off. Clear my schedule for tomorrow morning and we’ll get it done.”
“I’ll see to it at once, Sir.”
“Al, how many times do we have to talk about this? You don’t have meetings with your kid.”
“Haven’t seen her in a couple of days,” the king said absently, circling ABASEMENT. “It’s a big place. If I don’t catch her now, I gotta catch her later. And I got stuff later.”
Christina flung herself into the chair on the other side of the desk and buried her head in her hands. “Don’t even start with that.”
“Hey, it’s meant to be, kiddo.”
“Please, Al.”
“How can Betty resist this?” he bragged, jerking a thumb at himself. Broad-shouldered, his mane of thick black hair sprinkled with silver, his piercing blue eyes bracketed with laugh lines, the tall, fit monarch had a disturbingly good point. “Read US magazine if you don’t believe me: I’m a catch, baby.”
“Al. Please. I’m begging you.”
“What do you care? Don’t you have your hands full with Dara and David, not to mention being the Crown Princess? You’re probably supposed to be doing something right this minute—”
Edmund coughed. “Signing off on the menu for Easter weekend.”
“—but you’re in here yakking about Alex. What, you gotta worry about my love life, too?”
“Yes, Al, I have to,” she snapped. “We all have to. I think it’s safe to say your love life is a global concern.”
“Bullshit. Hey, Edmund, where is Betty this week, anyway?”
“Her note advises Queen Elizabeth is conducting business in Scotland.”
“Bullshit! I just saw her on CNN this morning, hanging out at Buckingham for something or other.”
“I’m sure Her Majesty the Queen did not deliberately deceive Your Majesty.”
“Ha!” Chris said. “Looks like being separated by a continent and an ocean isn’t enough…she’s gotta make her secretaries lie to you.”
“She will be mine,” the king vowed, circling DEPRIVATION.
“You sound like a bad movie villain,” the princess snorted. “You’ve gotta drop the whole ‘uniting the houses of Baranov and Windsor’ thing. You’ve just got to. It didn’t work five years ago, a year ago, or right now. Don’t you think we have enough problems?”
“My courtship is not one of your problems, hon,” the king said mildly.
“Says you,” she muttered, staring at the ceiling.
“Why don’t you make yourself useful? Go gimmee Dara,” the king ordered. “I’ve got some toys for her.”
“Al, she’s buried in toys. You’ve got to try to control yourself. The kid’s got over 600 teddy bears at last count.”
“A few stuffed animals never hurt anyone.”
“A few! I tried to find her in her crib the other day and changed a Raggedy Ann doll by mistake.”
“Well, honey, you’re kind of an idiot.”
“Al!”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Your Highness.”
“Edmund.”
“Let’s get back on topic,” the king said, circling CHAOTIC. “Alex is taking off to find a cure for her insomnia, Dara’s the greatest baby in the history of babyhood, her mom’s not too bright, and Queen Elizabeth is secretly in love with me.”
“I can think of at least three things wrong with that statement,” Christina said.
“Only three, Highness?”
“Maybe I should go with her,” she said, lapsing into a low mutter no one had ever been able to decipher. “Maybe mmm hmmm bmmm hmmm.”
“No,” the king said. “She’s a big girl. She doesn’t need you to come along and bring the nag machine.”
“Nobody does, Sir,” Edmund coughed.
“Oh, come on, Al. It’ll be fun. I can bring Dara! She’s never been to America. And you know Alex loves that baby. It’s the only way she can sleep sometimes, if she brings the baby to bed with her.”
“Forget it, Chris. First off, you have to get my permission and Congress’s before you take an underage heir out of the country. Second—”
“God damn it! She’s my kid, too, Al, and she’s got dual citizenship.”
“Which doesn’t cancel the fact that she’s an Alaskan citizen, not to mention the heir of the Crown Prince. Kid’s probably gonna be queen of Alaska someday, you can’t take her to McDonald’s without me knowing about it, life sucks, go cry in a bag of money.”
“Al, you’re killing me! Don’t get me started on that stupid law—”
“Hey, I don’t make the rules.”
“You do too!”
“Just saying. Besides, even if you could get your bad self organized in time, it’s not a good idea. The baby’s a crutch for Alex. I think we can all agree on that.”
Since she couldn’t argue, Christina remained silent.
“This is something Alex needs to do, alone, we’ve all agreed on that. And Alex wouldn’t be going if she didn’t agree. Kid’s as stubborn as a tick.”
“Yet another mysterious recessive gene,” Edmund said to the air.
They ignored him. “Anyway. You stay put. Alex goes. And Elizabeth…my sweet, sweet Elizabeth…”
“Can you grab that letter opener and stab me with it?” Christina begged Edmund. “Make it quick, but be thorough.”
“I’m sorry, Your Highness. I need to see to my own end before anyone else’s.”
“You two are hilarious,” the king snapped, circling OBSCENITY. “Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.”
Chapter 6
The North Dakota Institute for Sea Life
Minot, North Dakota
“…it’s just such a thrill for us, Your Majesty!”
“Thank you.” Alex didn’t bother to correct the woman, though only reigning monarchs were referred to as “Majesty.” As a lowly princess, Alex would be “Your Highness” unless she became queen which, given the fact that Christina and David were senior to her in the line of succession, was unlikely.
Please, God, let it be unlikely.
Their tour guide had of course been briefed, but people were usually nervous about meeting a member of royalty. Alex herself was nervous about meeting dentists, so she could relate.
And, as an American, Dr. Tiegel didn’t have to call her that, or bow…which she had also forgotten. But there was no need to correct her, because…
“Just a reminder, Dr. Tiegel,” Jenny said pleasantly, hurrying to stay abreast of the two women. “Please refer to the princess as Princess Alexandria.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” Alex said with a soothing smile. “It’s just a lot of silly protocol, isn’t it? There are