Older Women, Younger Men. Felicia Brings
was twenty-two when we met. I was forty. He was at a time in his life when everything was in turmoil. He didn’t have a great job, he was still in school part-time—he really didn’t know what he wanted.
I have a couple that I’m close to (both the husband and wife). He is seventeen years older than she is. He kept telling me, “If you can make it through the first five years, you’ll make it.” He was so great to talk to…he’d been there. We’d compare notes. It was all the same stuff. The twenties are just really tough years for many people and it’s rough if you’re with them.
Deborah (age 42)
He was so young—twenty at the time. What a mess. I mean, he was a bit of a mess, you know. He was fun and open to lots of things, but it was really hard in the beginning. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was up and down a lot. There were lots of problems because here he was trying to have a mature relationship with me and he was still just a kid inside.
Suzanne (age 35)
There is, however, a huge upside to this pendulum. The fun, adventure and playfulness can re-ignite a long extinguished element within an older woman. She has the opportunity to see, close up, the world through fresh eyes. She gets to experience wonder—to take pleasure in simple things that long ago may have been forfeited for the sake of duty and responsibility. There can be a sense of untamed joy. Her young man is devouring life whole—inhaling each new experience. This provides a high voltage charge that can jump-start a woman’s otherwise very orderly, settled and structured life.
The Mid-Twenties
By the time a young man is well into his mid to late twenties, things begin to even out. He’s had a taste of the adult world and gotten some much needed life experience under his belt. He may already have had a serious relationship or two, which makes your job a lot easier. You no longer have to explain the basic rules of grown-up behavior in a partnership. You are now free to expand your worlds together. He probably has a foothold in his career and is beginning to get on his feet financially. The constant inner angst of the early twenties is over and he has a clearer idea of who he is in the world and who he can be with you.
I met Darryl through mutual friends in the early 90s. He was bright, charming, talkative and looked like he was in his early thirties. When he told me he was at Rutgers College, I assumed he was a teacher. I nearly died when I found out he was a student. He was twenty. Our relationship only lasted six months. We loved each other, but it was just too weird hanging out with his college friends. He was too young and confused to maintain a solid relationship, so I broke it off. I ran into him seven years later, and he was an entirely different person. He was grounded, clear and had a great job. We saw each other on weekends and then decided we wanted it to be more serious. It’s amazing to me to see who he is now—the seven years made all the difference in the world.
Claudia (age 42)
The Thirties
When a man has reached his thirties, he’s probably well on his way to becoming the kind of person he wants to be. His goals are set and many may already have been reached. He is more structured, confident and secure. He has a stronger sense of identity and can view you as an equal, albeit his goddess.
Developmental Overview
If you find yourself involved with a man who is in the earlier developmental stages, you should be conscious of being the essence of “woman” in his life, not “mommy.” You are not there to teach him life’s lessons nor to shelter him from his own experiences. Allow him to make his own decisions and support his choices when you believe in them. Don’t do his job for him. Let him grow on his own without your constant advice and guidance. He will love you even more for it. Provide him with a sense of safety and security through emotional support and love—not money or opportunities you provide for him. Men love to achieve their goals on their own. They need to know that they can do it themselves—rather than have you do it for them. Stand next to him; don’t be the wind at his back. He will be able to see you as a true partner in this way and you will have all of your energy to continue to build your own life for yourself.
Two things you’ll need in ample quantity when loving a very young man are patience and humor.
I don’t want to have to jump out of bed every morning to run into the bathroom and put my makeup on before he wakes up and sees what I look like without it.
Catherine (age 53)
When you are newly into a relationship with a considerably younger man, you may be self-conscious about the looks you get from others. You may be wondering what they are thinking about the two of you. Oh my goodness, is that his mother? Couldn’t be his girlfriend or wife…No, it must be his sister. No, it’s his aunt. But why are they holding hands? Especially if he is fifteen or twenty years younger or has a “baby face,” you may hear the following horrific four words: “Are you his mother?” These words are deadly and you may feel as though you’re going to die right at that moment. The psychological devastation that follows can be much worse, however, and can last much longer.
The only remedy to this problem is time. The longer the two of you are together, the more you will feel like a couple. Eventually, you will be so comfortable with him that you will cease to feel self-conscious. The kind of ease you have with each other will then become apparent to others.
In 100 percent of the cases we’ve researched where those four horrible words were spoken, they came from another woman. Adding to the mean-spirited nature of this question is that slight pause before the word “mother” is uttered. Men seem to know better than to ask this kind of question. They seem able to pick up the vibes between the couple immediately.
I was at an auction with my boyfriend, Tom (who is twenty years younger than myself). The couple sitting next to us had brought their son—who appeared