Adopting Older Children. Stephanie Bosco-Ruggiero
adoption journey will not be the same as anyone else’s. There is no magic formula or crystal ball that will predict what your experience will be like. Your adopted child may struggle with many issues or adjust surprisingly well to her new family. And just like any child, your adopted child will have her own strengths and weaknesses.
Often the media covers sensational stories about adoption that are not representative of the average adoption experience. It is up to you to get a more accurate picture of what older child adoption is like. When you speak to parents who are raising children adopted at an older age, note the range of experiences. Some families will describe nightmare scenarios, while others will say they had no problems at all, but these are outlier experiences. Most families you talk to will describe an older child adoption journey that fits somewhere in the middle of these two extremes; their child and family have faced a number of challenges and setbacks but ultimately, through love and commitment, have persevered. Many adoptive parents you will speak to will say older child adoption has been the most rewarding experience of their lives. Undoubtedly their families too have experienced good times and bad, but these parents understand the difference they have made in the life of a child.
Prior to deciding whether to adopt an older child, educate yourself:
• Attend adoptive parent support group meetings to hear from parents about their family’s challenges and how they cope.
• Find an adoption navigator, recruiter or mentor who works with prospective and pre-adoptive parents of older adoptees.
• Visit online discussion forums for adoptive parents of older children.
• Read books and articles about older child adoption and visit adoption websites.
• Have frank conversations with adoption professionals about your expectations, hopes and needs.
• Learn how adoption has changed the lives of older children and teens by listening to or reading their stories.
There are numerous resources listed throughout this guide that will help you learn more about the many aspects of older child adoptions including the process, how to access post-adoption services, common issues older adoptees and adoptive families face and parenting support.
ADVICE TO PROSPECTIVE PARENTS FROM THOSE WHO HAVE ADOPTED OLDER CHILDREN
We asked a group of adoptive parents what advice they have for people contemplating older child adoption. Their answers reflect the importance of prospective parents being educated about the needs of adopted children, having realistic expectations and understanding that healing will not happen overnight. The parents we talked to believe love is an essential ingredient in raising children who have experienced early challenges in their lives, but they agree that love may not be enough to heal these children. They advise parents to become educated about the needs of older adopted children so they will understand their child’s behavior and seek professional help as needed.
To prepare for difficult behaviors, a parent who adopted a nine-year-old from the American foster care system advised prospective parents: “Read up on the impact of trauma and attachment disorders. Consider the worst-case scenario—severe mental illness, violent outbursts, near constant disrespect and defiance, the child pushing you away at every turn. Hopefully healing will happen, but can you stay committed to your child if it doesn’t?”
A parent who adopted three children with special medical needs—a twenty-month-old from Belarus, a seven-month-old from Guatemala and a six-year-old from Ukraine—said prospective parents “need to be prepared as much as possible, they need to research as much as possible, be prepared for grief, anger, defiance and moodiness. Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best!”
A parent who adopted a four-year-old from Ukraine added, “Make sure you are prepared and understand the true needs of an older child coming from a hurt place. Really be educated on the emotions, challenges, behaviors, attachment issues and loyalty issues (to biological family, country of birth) an older child may have when adopted. Make sure you know the delays a child may have even if the child is considered typical.”
ADOPTIVE FAMILIES DESCRIBE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO THEM
Parents who were interviewed in conjunction with several studies described what success meant to them in terms of their older child or teen’s adoption and what factors they believed contributed to the adoption’s success. Compare your notions of success about adoption with what these families had to say.
A slight majority of parents who adopted teenagers interviewed for a study conducted by Wright and Flynn published in 2006 characterized success as having a sense of normalcy in family life. These parents said they do the same things any family does (e.g. activities, celebrations). Many parents in the same study also described success as having a sense of emotional connectedness and love in their family.
For Wright and Flynn’s study and another conducted by the Children’s Bureau, parents were asked what factors contributed to the success of their older child or teen’s adoption. Common themes included:
• Commitment to the parent-child relationship2
• Having realistic expectations about the adoption3
• Viewing parenting as rewarding4
• Their parenting style (exhibiting flexibility and a sense of humor)5
Forty-four percent of the parents from the Wright and Flynn study said that they experienced emotional drain, tension and stress as a result of the adoption, but a majority reporting stress did not regret their decision to adopt.6
Many of the teens surveyed for the Wright and Flynn study considered their adoption a success because there was a feeling of family normalcy.7 Like the parents interviewed for the study, many of the teens also attributed success to their commitment to the parent-child relationship. In this study, 95 percent of the teens interviewed said that, in retrospect, adoption was the right choice. Eighty-six percent of the teens rated their adoption between seven and ten on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest ranking.
Wright and Flynn asked the teens to describe the worst aspect of adoption and many said missing biological family members and conflicts with their adoptive parents about rules and punishment. When asked what advice they would give other teens considering adoption, several recommended that others carefully consider their compatibility with a prospective adoptive parent or parents.
We asked several adoptive parents what the most rewarding aspect of adoption had been for them. One mother of three children with special medical needs said, “It is amazing to give a real life to children who otherwise will never have one—real siblings, love and nutrition.”
A parent of a girl with blindness and other special needs adopted at the age of four from Ukraine replied, “Seeing our girl grow and heal…and just the honor of being her parents.”
A third parent who, with her spouse, adopted an eight-year-old boy from foster care, replied: “The most rewarding part [of adopting] is seeing how far he’s come. He was in thirteen homes before ours, including three pre-adoptive homes which he had to leave due to his behavior. One former foster mom who we are still in contact with says she is still his “Nana” and tells me frequently that she can’t believe how well he is doing. She is a very experienced foster parent (having parented over one hundred kids), so that means a lot. “I would adopt my son again—it was worth all the hard work we put in to see how he is now and the awesome young man he is becoming.”
YOU’VE DECIDED TO ADOPT AN OLDER CHILD; NOW WHAT?
After you’ve done your research and have decided older child adoption is right for you and your family, you need to decide whether to adopt domestically or internationally, what type of agency you want to work with and what type of child (age, needs, background, nationality) you want to adopt. There are some factors to help you decide whether US or international adoption is best for you.
| DOMESTIC OLDER CHILD ADOPTION | INTERNATIONAL OLDER CHILD ADOPTION |
| Very inexpensive, public subsidies available | Agency fees are |