Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood. Eric Rosswood
room. The birthmother’s social worker met us and started bringing us up to speed. I honestly don’t recall much about that conversation, except that she told us it was a healthy baby boy, the birthmother was twenty years old and African-American, the birthfather was Caucasian and not in the picture and, most importantly, she had chosen us as the parents. I remember asking if this was the birthmother who had not wanted to choose the parents for her child and she told me it wasn’t. This was a “surprise” birthmother, meaning she hadn’t even contacted the agency until she gave birth, so they rushed right over with some potential parents’ profiles and she had picked ours!
One other thing I do specifically remember about that conversation was the story the social worker told us about how the birthmother had picked us. The social worker had given her our profile book first (we were the longest waiting family, after all) and the birthmother immediately connected to the cover photo, which was a picture of us swimming with dolphins. Apparently she loved animals.
As she turned the pages, she found photos of us skiing and snow-boarding. She loved snowboarding, too. When she saw the snowboarding pictures, the social worker said she pulled the book to her chest, hugged it and told her this was the couple she wanted. The social worker told her to take her time and look at the other profiles, but the birthmother said no, it was us! My heart just stopped with that story and I knew right then that this little boy was meant to be our son.
The next day was easily the most emotionally difficult I’ve ever experienced, as we met with the birthmother, got to know her a little bit, answered her questions and held our breath, hoping she wouldn’t change her mind. She clearly loved this child and was making this decision for no other reason than love, wanting him to have the kind of life she knew she couldn’t give him at that time. It was obvious this was a very difficult decision for her. She allowed us to hold him right away and feed him. After a short time, the birthmother went into her room to rest. The nurses let us stay in the room next to hers and she left him with us while she napped.
I went out and picked up some dinner for everyone and after the birthmother rested, we visited with her again for a little while. Her only request was that she wanted to have the baby in her room with her for the night and said she would bring him to us in the morning. So we lay down on our hospital bed and tried to sleep, tried not to worry, hoped against hope that she wouldn’t change her mind and waited some more.
About 5:00 A.M. the next morning, the birthmother lightly knocked on our door and came in with the baby. We talked about how his night had been and how she had slept. Then we took some pictures for her (that I immediately printed on the portable printer I had brought with us for just this purpose) and started the painful process of her saying goodbye. We promised her that we would give him the best life we could and would always make sure he knew how much she loved him. Then we all cried while she said goodbye. (I still cry to this day every time I remember those moments!) She placed him in my arms, kissed him and walked out of the hospital room and out of his life.
Even though this was an open adoption, the birthmother had told us that other than the agreed-upon photos and letters from us telling her how he’s doing for a few years, she didn’t want any future contact. I think she knew it would be too hard on her. She did give us her e-mail address and we knew her full name, but we had not given her our last names, out of an overabundance of caution. Part of her story involved an overbearing parent who didn’t know about the baby yet, so we were concerned that if he found out, he might pressure her to come back for the child later on. But after meeting her, we also knew that once it was legally “safe” to do so, we would be okay with her being a part of his life in some way if that’s what she wanted. She was certainly a very loving, intelligent, thoughtful and beautiful young woman and we will be forever indebted to her for entrusting us with this most precious gift.
We left the hospital later that day with our little five-pound bundle of joy and headed to the hotel. Over the next two weeks, we took care of little Christopher James, kept in touch with our attorney and the two adoption agencies and dotted every “i” and crossed every “t” they told us to. After two weeks, we got the go-ahead from the state of Kentucky to take him home, across the state line to Indiana, while we waited (again) on the rest of the adoption process to play out. Finally, an eternal three months later on August 22nd, we met with an Indiana judge.
I finalized the adoption and just moments later, Novia was able to finalize her Indiana second-parent adoption. Unfortunately, the law in Kentucky didn’t allow same-sex couples to be on a birth certificate together, even though Novia was still legally Christopher’s parent. Regardless, the finalization was a glorious event for us. The judge signed two adoption decrees, we took some pictures and finally, all the waiting was over! Christopher was now a forever part of our family.
Matthew Smith and Trey Darnell
JOHNSON CITY, TENNESSEE
Hello! We are Matthew and Trey from Johnson City, Tennessee. We are the second-most famous Matt-and-Trey combo in the United States. First place belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park and The Book of Mormon. Our spot in second place status is secured just ahead of the Matt-and-Trey serving team at one of our local dining establishments.
Matt was born in Glendora, California and is employed as a registered nurse. I am a native of Kingsport, Tennessee and flying high as a commercial airline captain. Our story as a same-sex couple began in 2007 through the power of social media. A connection sparked over a picture of Matthew standing in front of a fast food restaurant. Matthew and I are best friends. We are very competitive with each other and laugh a lot.
In August 2012, while on a road trip to Charlotte, North Carolina, Matthew and I decided to take our relationship from “two is company” to “three is a crowd.” We already had the usual criteria before starting a family: solid careers, a large enough home, a big yard and financial stability. So there we were, staying at an inn in Charlotte, when we looked at each other and said, “Let’s adopt!”
When someone wants to learn more about a specific topic, what do they do? Look it up online! We did our due diligence that night in researching the process of adopting, possible agencies and the differences in open and closed adoptions. Matthew and I decided to pursue an adoption over a surrogacy to prevent the dilemma of which one of us would be the biological father. We are indecisive when trying to decide where to have dinner; we could only imagine the process of deciding who would be the sperm donor. E-mails and information requests allowed the excitement to build. At this point, it was way past midnight and we needed sleep before our return home the next morning.
While still feeling the euphoria of all the positive information we had obtained from our online research, we didn’t just float back to Earth; we came crashing down. Matthew and I soon received the following e-mail from a prominent domestic adoption agency:
Mr. Darnell,
Thanks for asking about our Domestic Program…Our agency has not proved to be the best fit for same-sex couples as the birthparents looking to make an adoption plan for their child through [the agency] are overwhelmingly looking for more traditional married couples to place with. That tends to be the reason they come to our agency…I certainly do not wish to mislead you or “just take your money” when the chances of receiving a placement would be unlikely.
A traditional married couple? There was no way we would ever fit into that category. Our state did not recognize marriages, civil unions or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples at that time. Questions of doubt started to form. What were people going to think and say? The e-mail was not meant to be hurtful, but it was successful in being destructive.
Now what? How does one go from a pessimistic view to a very optimistic attitude? Go on vacation! So we took a weekend trip to Atlanta, Georgia, to attend a free informational session offered by a large adoption agency. We were both surprised to learn that it was also the same weekend of Atlanta Gay Pride. I personally had never been to a gay pride event before. Did you know the group Dykes on Bikes