How to Survive Change . . . You Didn't Ask for. M. J. Ryan
Psychology professor George Bonanno of Columbia University and other resiliency experts say it comes from a commitment to finding meaning in what's happening to you, a belief in your capacity to create a positive outcome, the willingness to grow, and the choice to laugh and be grateful.
When I work with myself or someone else who's going through a change they are struggling with, I always ask two questions, the first being, what could possibly be right about this? That helps us to find meaning and to grow. Positive psychologists call it creative construing, the ability to assign a meaning to what we're going through that pulls us into the future in a positive way.
The other question I always ask is, what in your life or yourself can you be grateful for right now? As an author of books on gratitude, I've been awed by its power to uplift and focus us on what is still right, good, and whole in our lives. The other day, I was introduced via mail to a seventeen year-old named Lauren. Lauren has lived in twelve different foster homes since she was eight. When she moves from place to place, her possessions fit in one plastic trash bag. She's about to “age out” of the California foster system, with no place to live, no money, no job. But she's happy nonetheless. Because when she was ten, she lived with Mommy Jean. Mommy Jean gave Lauren a rock and told her to carry it always in her pocket. Each time she felt it, she was to think of something she was grateful for. Every day since, no matter where she lives, Lauren's been touching that rock and finding things to be grateful for.
The man who shared Lauren's story sent me a small rock for my pocket. If I could, I would hand one to you right now—not only to help you practice gratitude but to remind you that, like Lauren, you can survive the changes life hurls your way.
CHANGE TRUTH #7
Your Future Is Built on a Bedrock That Is Unchanging
Through anger, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are picks its way.
—Walt Whitman
Tom Heuerman is an organizational consultant who knows a bit about change from both a business and a personal point of view—he writes openly about the lessons he's learned from recovering from alcoholism. Recently he wrote about the qualities of sustainable organizations: they “continually adapt to the external environment . . . [and] have a core identity of purpose (why they exist) and values (guiding principles) that provide stability and continuity as all else changes over time.”
What struck me is how much what applies to organizations also applies to individuals. AdaptAbility occurs from the same unchanging bedrock.
Perhaps bedrock is not the only apt metaphor. Biologists know that one of the qualities of a living system is that it is able to respond and adapt to change without losing its basic integrity. Take a cell, for instance. It has a semipermeable membrane that allows things to flow in and out, while maintaining its “cellness.”
So it is with you. There is a “youness” that is unchanged, what Walt Whitman refers to as “what you are.” A core that will remain no matter how much and how well you adapt. To understand this, it helps to differentiate between who you are as a person and your behavior. To adapt, your behaviors might need to change, but your essence as a person remains the same.
During change, getting more in touch with that “youness” is crucial because it's the raw material you bring to any and all circumstances. Among other things, that “youness” is made of four elements: what you love to do, the unique ways of thinking you are excellent at that which you've been doing your whole life, what deeply matters to you, and the environments that bring out the best in you. Together, these create your sense of purpose. How you express these, where you aim them, and how you understand them can and does develop and change over time. But there's some persistent essence, a steady ground note like the beat of your heart. It's why wherever you go, there you are, as Jon Kabat-Zinn famously said.
Take me, for instance. When I knew I had to leave publishing, Dawna, who was one of my authors, invited me to join her consulting company. I had to learn lots of new skills, like leading groups and the principles of an asset focus, which is the underlying basis of the company's work. What I brought with me that was unchanging was my love of reading, writing, talking, and thinking; my combination of analysis and ability to foster the growth of other people; as well as my belief in the ability of people to change; and my tendency to do my best in an environment that offers both time alone and with others. These were the raw materials I had offered authors and staff as an editor and publisher of a self-help publishing company. Now I was simply aiming them in a new direction.
So it is for you, too. You bring with you what you love, your dominant ways of thinking, your values, and the environments that bring out the best in you as you face a change in your life. In the “Expand Your Options” part you'll have a chance to bring these four elements to the surface of your awareness. They are what you can count on no matter what else changes. (See the section “Don't Go into the Wilderness Without Your Compass,” page 133.)
Here's why understanding these four things is so important. Dawna often talks about her grandmother. One time, when life was asking a big change of me and I was despairing of my ability to cope with it, she told me the following story: Her grandmother was a Jew living in a Russian village. Throughout the centuries, every so often, the Cossacks would blow through and destroy all the houses of Jews in the village. All you could do, Grandma said, was to hide until they left, then pick through the rubble searching for the whole bricks and build again. Our loves, talents, values, and preferred environments are the whole bricks from which we rebuild.
III
The Actions of a Change Master
STEP 1
Accept the Change
We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
—Carl Jung
Whenever we're in a situation that's changing, no matter what it is, the most common initial reaction is—you guessed it—denial, followed by anger. Almost immediately many of us respond to unwanted change with a knee-jerk refusal to accept what's happening, or we rail against having to confront it, uttering (verbally or mentally) refrains like:
“It's not my responsibility.”
“I don't have the energy.”
“I don't have the time.”
“I don't want to.”
“This isn't fair.”
“This isn't what I signed up for.”
“I shouldn't have to. It wasn't supposed to be like this.”
Sound familiar? Underneath all those messages is a plaintive cry: I don't know how to adapt and I'm upset that I have to! These thoughts and the emotions underneath are natural, but counterproductive. They trip us up and keep us stuck.
Really, the best first thing we can do rather than stick our heads in the sand is get clear on what is actually happening so we can get down to the business of dealing with it. The acceptance phase is usually the hardest one, since what's happening to us can trigger old wounds and/or require us to go into overdrive in an arena where we'd been happily coasting on autopilot. But it's also the most important one, because if we don't accept the reality of what's happening and deal effectively with our feelings, we simply can't respond in the most productive manner.
That's why this part includes a number of insights to help you gather the facts. You'll learn why, because of how our brains are structured, gathering information is not as simple as it sounds. Then I offer ways to help you avoid spending precious energy on denial, blame, shame, or debilitating fear and give you tools to deal with your difficult feelings. My goal is for you to end this part with a more relaxed, less panicked awareness of the situation and a greater ability to respond to it from a centered and clearminded place. From there, you'll