Solving for X. Robert B. Shaw

Solving for X - Robert B. Shaw


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than even you

      have at your disposal to find out why.

      The same and not the same, this venue fascinates,

      spiriting you through closed familiar doors

      on random unremarkable evenings when

      you will have been gone

      for how long? — Just a bit longer than your successors

      have had to make these premises their own.

      However much their climate-controlled rooms

      glow vibrant with halogen, they will not see you.

      But they may wonder why, for no clear reason,

      they find their thoughts so often drawn to the past.

      The wormy apple tree

      we chainsawed to a stump

      is not content to be

      a barren amputee.

      It has produced a clump

      of rank and spindly shoots,

      a thicket still unthinned,

      each one a witch’s wand,

      suggesting that the roots

      regard our surgery

      as one more hostile thing

      to overcome in spring,

      like parried blades of wind —

      mischief to live beyond.

      Never forget the child’s face, nonplused

      on touching first an apple, then a pear,

      then a banana, his bewildered stare

      becoming peevish as his buoyant trust

      in the appearances that grown-ups prize

      founders. Items for which his taste buds lusted

      are for display, and regularly dusted.

      Try to explain how people feast their eyes

      on such a centerpiece, how they are able

      to cherish a quartz peach, whose blushing skin

      is bonded pigment, stone bearing within

      no stone a tree would spring from. Now the table

      stands taller than his head; but watch him grow,

      to grow unflustered by the cold and hard

      baubles adult taste holds in fond regard.

      Never forget his face, first made to know.

      All this was years ago — back in the days

      of afternoon visits between ladies

      with children brought along, resigned to boredom.

      Her mother always stayed for a second cup;

      her mother’s aunt, happy to be a hostess,

      kept pressing macaroons on her niece

      and grand-niece (something neither of them favored).

      It always seemed to be raining when they went there

      and there was no dog or cat to play with.

      When the women were tired of glancing sideways

      to see her fidgeting or shedding crumbs,

      they’d send her to the spare room to explore

      the Dress-Up Box. This could be interesting

      if she was in the mood for vintage glamour.

      The Box was really a modest-sized tin trunk,

      lined with flowered wallpaper and filled

      with bits of swank from several decades back.

      There were a few dresses, much too large,

      trimmed with velvet and imbued with camphor.

      It was the accessories she was drawn to.

      There was a pair of white gloves that on her

      were almost elbow-length. The missing buttons

      forced her to bunch them at her wrists, so that

      she looked like a Walt Disney character.

      There were various paper-and-bamboo fans

      with orchids and pagodas painted on them.

      She fanned her face with these and made her bangs flap.

      What else? A pin made of a real seashell,

      a set of tortoise-shell combs, a rhinestone bracelet.

      More intriguing: an oblong of black lace,

      a shawl or a mantilla, that she always

      spread out before her eyes while she decided

      just how to drape it. Looking through its fine,

      close-knotted mesh gave her a view like one

      she could have got through a sooty window screen.

      Two or three hats with feathers of no color

      she’d ever seen on a bird sat carefully nested.

      Best of all, always to be admired,

      there was a brown, weaselly-looking fur piece,

      that ringed her neck and dangled down her front,

      the eyes studding its narrow nut of a head

      inky black and hard as rock, the nose

      rubbery-feeling like an old eraser.

      A little chain could cinch the snout and tail

      together, but the fixed jaws wouldn’t bite.

      There, in the little stuffy almost-attic,

      trying these in their different combinations

      before a mirror, practicing to be old

      and regal, she could lose track of the time.

      She grew oblivious to the parlor voices

      talking about people she’d never known.

      Finally, when her appearance satisfied her,

      she paced grandly down, the funeral veil

      swathing her hair, the spineless animal

      bobbling to her waist. Her mother gasped

      and clapped her hands. Her great-aunt smiled briefly,

      then looked into her teacup. Years would pass

      before the festooned girl would realize what

      her hostess must have seen: her bygone self

      and her dead sisters, flaunting these fine items

      when they were new, and later not so new.

      Still warm, still damp. Twilight.

      Emboldened to impinge,

      the whining parasite

      administers a twinge,

      a punctual siphoning

      announcing summer’s prime.

      Too small to call a sting,

      the


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