Growing Strong Girls. Lindsay Sealey

       Perfectly Imperfect 3

      PERFECTIONISM IS THE desire to be flawless and to accomplish one’s goals without falling short of one’s own high standards. Most of my clients have perfectionistic tendencies, which are obvious when they say things like “I’m never going to be good enough” and “I only got 95 percent on my test.” They sit before me, erasing printing they see as not straight enough and relaying their busy schedules, and then tell me they are joining another team because it’ll look good when they apply to universities. They push themselves beyond their boundaries. When asked to try something new—a quick drawing, say—they stare at me blankly. They freeze up not because they aren’t competent, but because the idea of not drawing perfectly on their first try is so daunting to them that it’s debilitating. Perfectionists are one “mistake” away from devastation.

      Perfectionists are overly self-critical, and black-and-white thinkers. They are the achievers and hard workers who are always striving to improve. In short, perfectionists get the job done, and they exemplify excellence. Yet they are stressed out and incredibly hard on themselves. Perfectionists don’t see the point in practice and process, only in perfect results. They can’t value their efforts toward a desired outcome unless they achieve that outcome exactly as they imagined it. They crumble at the hint of criticism, and they shut down and refuse to try when they can’t guarantee 100 percent accuracy. Perfectionism is often coupled with unhealthy BFFS, namely worry, anxiety, fear, and shame.

      Girls especially can be their own worst critic. Ironically, many girls can’t imagine being judgmental or deprecating to a friend. Often there’s a striking juxtaposition between the language a girl uses toward a friend in need—“I told her she was going to be okay and that next time will be better”—and the language she uses to speak to herself—“I can’t believe I totally screwed up!” Why is it so much easier to be compassionate toward a friend than toward oneself?

      “It’s okay that everything isn’t okay all the time.” TAYLOR SWIFT

      So, why are girls so self-critical? Socialization is partly responsible. When girls see their friends being hard on themselves, they learn the language of self-deprecation. It’s also a way to gain attention and empathy. When a girl is hard on herself, she can get instant support from other girls—although over time, this attention seeking can become annoying to others. Finally, girls can be tough on themselves because they don’t consider alternatives. Tough love becomes second nature to them.

      Perfectionists are shaped by many factors. Often, there’s a push from home: high-achieving and successful parents often push their children (who receive the message, even if it’s not clearly stated). There are many cultural influences too. Watch an hour of cable television, and you’ll see a plethora of competition shows like X Factor, Dancing with the Stars, and The Voice, all based on selecting the “best” contestant and eliminating those who aren’t “good enough.” Social media isn’t helping, with its steady stream of handcrafted shots of people’s exciting, happy, and flashy experiences. We never get to see the shots that didn’t make the post.

      Perfection has its appeal: it’s what we see all around us, and it’s only natural to want a piece