Parenting Right From the Start. Vanessa Lapointe
let alone a parent.
Some people shift into parenthood with more ease than others, though most admit to struggles along the way. Despite all our careful prepping and planning, many of us find it hard to get our bearings. We may worry that we’ll never master this round-the-clock parenting gig, given that the job description changes almost daily. Just as we get the hang of the three-naps-a-day schedule, it’s suddenly time to deal with two naps and more frequent night wakings. Or maybe we’ve made it through the first wave of separation anxiety only to be confronted with the onset of toddler tantrums. Every time we think we’re in a groove, our child’s development changes, and we must keep grooving right along with them.
Through it all, our minds may be partially off-line. Not simply because of fatigue, but also because we may not understand the subconscious forces that are driving us. And yet, these forces—a series of beliefs buried so deep within our psyche that we may not even know they exist—colour all we perceive and do as parents.
You’ll certainly be aware of some of these beliefs, such as your views on education or household rules. But many more operate on a subconscious level. You may believe that you’re not good enough, for instance, or that you must always please others ahead of yourself, or that you are not worthy of receiving love and affection. You may believe that as a parent you should be all-powerful, or that your child should be happy just because you want them to be. Whatever your beliefs—and regardless of whether they are conscious or unconscious—you will feel their effect, especially in those yucky moments that all parents experience from time to time, when you’re overwhelmed and full of self-doubt and guilt.
Soon enough, you’ll discover an interesting thing about parenting: you will do things for your children that you might not do for yourself. I was a competitive figure skater until the age of sixteen. My mother spent many hours driving me to and from practices and competitions, sitting rinkside watching me, and sewing and adorning costumes. Now in her early seventies, she will tell you that she never spent a fraction of that time doing what she should have done for herself—activities such as exercising, seeing her friends, and making time for her own hobbies. Why would she forego her life for mine? Because she believed, as many parents do, that self-sacrifice is what it means to be a “good” parent. We say and do all sorts of things as parents, some of which we love, some of which we hate, and much of which we are barely aware of and would struggle to explain.
You may find that being a parent can also stir up challenging emotions and experiences. For example, what if you were the kind of organized, methodical, and logical person who always kept a tidy home and prided yourself on your same-day email turnaround? Then one morning you realize you haven’t showered in three days, you are still carrying your baby weight, your house is caked in dirt, the sink is full of unwashed dishes, you have mountains of laundry to do, and growing piles of paperwork are demanding your attention. “What happened to me?” you think. “I’m a mess!” Bam! You are seven years old again, feeling inadequate compared to your older, more capable sibling, and worried that the world is laughing at your incompetence.
What if I told you that in the midst of the laundry, the dirty dishes, and the self-doubt, you would be hit squarely on the nose by the opportunity of a lifetime? That part of doing right by your child includes seizing the significant opportunity that parenting provides for your own growth? Would you take that on at full throttle knowing that it would serve not only you but also your child? This is the powerful gift that comes with being a parent. Parenting is a transformative wake-up call that beckons us to fully emerge into the human beings we were meant to become.
You know that feeling you get when you’re sleeping peacefully and then your alarm sounds and shocks you into alertness? Well, when you’re blissfully unaware of the growing up that you may still need to do, becoming a parent is exactly like that—jarring and unpleasant. But don’t let that deter you. Time to wake up, sleepyhead! Your full and beautiful life as a parent is waiting for you.
The experiences shared by the many parents I have worked with in my clinical practice over almost twenty years, as well as my own experiences as a mom, have shown me that parenthood is full of joyful moments. There’s the wonder of watching your child grow right in front of you—first smiles, first steps, first words. The feeling of warmth that fills you when a smile breaks out on her sweet little face as you walk through the door. The squishy tenderness of his pudgy little hand reaching absent-mindedly for yours. It isn’t all work.
But you will definitely have moments—maybe many of them—that will smack you in the face. I’m not talking here about feeling angst-ridden over the colour of your baby’s poop, or sleep schedule, or an older sibling’s acceptance, or whether it’s time for solid food. That would be too easy. What I’m talking about are the moments of doubt or unease that settle over you, a feeling that you just can’t put your finger on, regardless of whether you are a new or experienced parent. It might be the pervasive sense that something is wrong, or a niggling feeling of depression that won’t lift. It might be the awareness that you are constantly in conflict with others (your partner, family, or friends) over parenting issues. Maybe you find yourself acting in ways that you don’t want to act. And maybe you come to the uncomfortable realization that “I am turning into my mother/father,” or “I don’t want to be a yelly-shouty parent, so why do I behave like this,” or “I swore I would have it together and now I feel as if I am falling apart.”
The good news is that you don’t have to wait for these feelings of doubt and unease to blindside you before addressing and alleviating them. Every person who becomes a parent will experience some version of a wake-up call. It’s universal—which means you can expect it and prepare for it. This knowledge is your power. It is the invitation to step into a fuller understanding of what you and your child need in order to grow in the best way. This invitation is exactly why I have written this book. When you understand the powerful impact of the parent-child relationship on growth and development, and your own needs for rest and awareness, you will be more attuned to how to care for yourself and your child. And this, in turn, allows you to avoid being swallowed whole by parenthood’s rude awakening, saving you from years of angst and upset.
Over time I’ve come to understand the two most powerful influences that affect how we parent: one is how we were parented, and the other is our family’s history. Research shows that we are likely to replicate the programs of our own parents; 1 that is, we parent as we were parented, even if we swear we won’t. Research also shows that the experiences of our ancestral family members are passed along to us through our DNA.2 Although we may not have experienced what our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other ancestors have, their feelings and experiences are nevertheless lodged in our genes, and they can manifest in how we respond to our lives as parents and beyond.
The combined effect of these two influences is what I refer to as your “program.” Whether consciously or not, you are run by this program. It lives buried within your sense of self and colours everything you see and do. But when you bring that program out of its deep nesting place and into your conscious awareness, you are empowered to do two things: first, you can predict your program’s influence on your life and the life of your child; and second, you can rewrite the parts of your program that do not serve healthy growth. This is what I refer to throughout the book as “doing your work.”
It is work to acknowledge our deeply entrenched programming. It is work to accept that our interior programs (rather than our unruly and needy children) are what trigger and unsettle us. And it is work to understand ourselves in a new light so that we can live life in the present rather than driven by events that are in our past or buried in our family history.
Keep in mind that even the best parents are simply unable to give growing children everything they may need. This is a static reality of our human existence. However, whether you are already the parent of a baby or young child, are on the cusp of becoming a parent, or are just thinking about bringing a child into your life, this is the time to make deep and conscious decisions about the kind of parent you want to be. In fact, those decisions are the most important step in the growth process for both you and your child.
This is not the time to be daunted and defeated. Even in the most difficult moments, the opportunity exists for parenting