Intimate Treason. Claudia Black
The Question of Forgiveness
The Role of Spirituality
Wellness Journey
Your Journey Continues
Resources
About the Authors
FROM CARA
To my husband David for his unconditional support and encouragement in the writing of this book. To the many, many partners who taught me how to hear their unique voices and to make meaning about their pain, as well as what they needed to heal. I am forever indebted to you and grateful for the trust you placed in me. To all those who have sought help through STAR and the colleagues over the years whose dedication to healing sex addicts and partners has helped to expand our collective understanding of how to treat this special population. To Martha Turner, MD, for mentoring me; and to Nancy Gambescia, PhD, for her professional acumen over the years.
To Claudia for the chance opportunity to work together. I appreciate the common ground we so easily share in making the voices of partners heard. I am inspired by you and your work and greatly appreciate your tireless dedication to details.
FROM CLAUDIA
A special thank you to Diane Dillon; we stepped into the journey many years ago, working with partners and creating a dynamic and inspirational collaboration that has led to the healing of an exponential number of partners and couples. To my husband Jack Fahey, who has always been my biggest fan throughout my career and a constant support.
To Cara: Thank you for your perseverance in the writing of this book and for the commitment you have to both the sex addict and the partner. Writing Intimate Treason has been a respectful journey that has always put the experience and the healing potential for the partner first and foremost. It is an understatement to say this book is “thought-felt,” as “every” word was given consideration. We worked hard and I appreciate you and your work.
FROM BOTH OF US
A special thank you to Sandi Klein, Claudia’s assistant of many years, who worked diligently helping us to keep moving forward as we collaborated, and who was invaluable in the preparation for the submission to the publishing house. Thank you to Central Recovery Press for believing in the importance of this book.
Lastly, we would like to thank those who have allowed us to be a part of their healing and those of you who will be reading this book and trusting us with the intimacies of your lives.
Incredible consideration has been given to the journey we’re suggesting you embark on as you work through Intimate Treason. With a combined fifty years of professional experience, and having worked with hundreds of partners of sex addicts, we have witnessed the journey of men and women who, having experienced profound and often repeated sexual betrayals, have found their voices and regained their self-respect and dignity. We understand the emotional roller coaster you have been on, the tough questions you must somehow answer, and the uncertainty ahead. We also know the strength and courage you have within you. While a few of you may know your inner strength is there, for those of you feeling overwhelmed and beaten down, we only ask you to put one foot in front of the other—to take this journey one step at a time. Some of these steps may seem pretty small considering all that is ahead of you. But if you are willing, we know there is a path out of your pain and toward a greater freedom of inner peace. That path begins with you.
Choosing to read this book means you have been affected by a partner’s sexual infidelity. You may have just discovered or have recently been told about the sexual indiscretions, or it may be the first time you have been willing to face this awful truth. Regardless, if you are married or not, gay or straight, you considered the relationship committed and monogamous. You may be devastated or overwhelmed and seeking answers for what to do next. You may want your relationship to work and need to know what to do to protect yourself as you go forward. You may have rationalized your partner’s actions and now, as a result, you feel that your life has no direction. You may be reading this book to prevent this from happening to you again in the future. You wonder what signs you might have missed that would have alerted you sooner to the deception. The relationship may be over, but you can’t seem to move on from the betrayal and are afraid to begin a new one. It is possible you have already been down this road before in the past with a partner who cheated on you. Now you are questioning what it is about you that attracts unavailable partners. Whatever your situation, Intimate Treason offers you a path that will support you in your journey out of the pain and heartache and toward greater happiness and relationship satisfaction.
If you believe your partner has only had an affair or two, you may derive benefit from working through many of the exercises in this book; however, our experience is that treatment for an affair is very different from the treatment of sexually addictive behaviors. The therapist not trained to treat sex addiction inadvertently and unknowingly makes the problem worse by not naming and treating this as problematic sexual behavior or addiction. This further invalidates a partner and often the relationship improves superficially, but the problem remains unaddressed. Sadly, the addiction flourishes despite the treatment. If you are someone who has been told it is just an affair and questions whether addiction may apply to your situation, then we encourage you to read further. You will gain understanding of your pain and learn what you can do differently.
RESPONDING TO BETRAYAL
The betrayal you are experiencing may manifest itself through a variety of sexual behaviors ranging from noncontact acts found in pornography and masturbation, photo swapping, streaming videos, and chat rooms, to contact acts like visiting strip clubs, engaging in prostitution, visiting massage parlors, and having affairs. Affairs may be sexual and/or emotional with people you don’t know or with someone very well-known to you. Other types of behavior can include voyeurism, exhibitionism, child pornography, or sexual abuse—all of which could lead to criminal repercussions, public humiliation, and job losses, adding an additional layer of impact to you and your family.
The influence of the Internet on sexual behaviors and attitudes should not be underestimated. While the problem of sexual addiction existed long before the technology boom of the past twenty years, the Internet has accelerated it for many people. Far more individuals are at risk for developing a problem with online pornography simply from the ease and accessibility found on the Internet. Additionally, the abundance of any type of information, from seeking particular types of men, women, or children, to ideal fantasy situations, combined with perceived anonymity, has moved the behavior into the privacy and comfort of the home.
Cybersex provides the illusion of control in seeking the perfect object of desire through the use of the computer, since the risks associated with it seem nonexistent. Faster Internet connections have allowed for more immediate access to pornographic material. This has further expanded into the hand-held device industry and has made secret and illicit acts more portable and, at times, untraceable. The fallout of this has meant that more and more people spend exorbitant hours and days at a time online leading to negative work, interpersonal, and familial consequences. Addicts have found that to keep their affairs anonymous, it’s far easier to get disposable phones or a separate phone altogether, further reducing the likelihood that they will be tracked.
Finding a sex partner in the recent past usually meant using a computer to search websites, physically going to a venue, or viewing the back pages of certain magazines. Today there are applications on most hand-held devices that allow one to seek out a partner from anywhere Internet access is available. Previously, an addict would have to have a magazine or book to view porn. Now with a hand-held device or tablet, he or she can view material while in a plane, in a train, or in a car while waiting for the kids after school.
As you struggle to gather some control over what is happening, you are likely to experience contradictory thoughts and feelings about your partner’s actions. On the one hand, you can see how completely out of control