The Family Caregiver's Manual. David Levy
self-doubt aside. Problem solving demands a positive attitude. Believe in yourself as a practical problem solver.
To be an effective family caregiver, you need to put fear and self-doubt aside.
Even effective family caregivers experience doubt or need decision-making reassurance from an uninvolved third party. An objective analysis of a problem and a proposed solution from an understanding, emotionally unengaged third party advisor can be a source of great comfort.
Do Not Overlook Working on Your Attitude
Are you normally a controlling person? You may have to give up some control. Are you afraid of taking control for fear of making mistakes? Learn to overcome fear and take calculated risks. Do you tend to be negative? Work on becoming more positive. Are you depressed and frozen in place? Recognize that being effective depends on a can-do attitude and take steps to overcome your depression.
Being an effective caregiver means accepting help when your can-do attitude is shaky and doubts creep in. Every family caregiver needs support and assistance from others; they need emotional reassurance and guidance for practical problem solving, decision-making, and coping skills.
A positive attitude, combined with practical problem solving, makes a big difference in effective decision-making and attaining positive outcomes.
Good problem solvers are flexible, open to options, and able to try new ideas. They are not discouraged if the first or even second attempt fails.
Are you ready to assess your attitude? Complete the following checklist.
WHAT IS YOUR ATTITUDE ABOUT PRACTICAL PROBLEM SOLVING?
The following ten statements are about attitudes toward problem solving. Which statements do you agree with?
Do you agree with all ten statements? If you do, you are an exceptional family caregiving problem solver.
Do you disagree with more than three of the ten statements? If so, you may need to reevaluate how you solve problems. What does your disagreement with these statements say about your problem-solving skills? How might your negative attitudes affect your family caregiving? If you had more of a “yes” attitude, what barriers to working with others might be resolved? What can you do to make a positive change in your attitude?
Overcoming Guilt and Resentment
Family caregiving is a very stressful experience because of the high emotional attachment involved. Stress and associated depression can often blind people to their own reactions and emotions they do not recognize. Family caregivers experience depression much more frequently than do people who are not caregiving. Studies conducted by the National Alliance for Caregiving have shown that spouses caring for spouses experience depression six times more often than those not caring for someone, and for people caring for parents or anyone else, it’s two times more often.
The greatest roadblocks to effective family caregiving are guilt, anger, and resentment.
The greatest roadblocks to effective family caregiving are guilt, anger, and resentment. You already know that having a positive attitude about yourself is essential to you being a good family caregiver and having the best chance for success. Feeling guilty, angry, or resentful can destroy your positive attitude and your chance to succeed.
Guilt is basically beating yourself up for real or imagined failures in your role of family caregiver. Caregiver guilt can take several forms and family caregivers may experience all of them at once:
You have a picture of the “Ideal You,” an image of what you should be, that incorporates all your values and perceptions and represents how you relate to yourself and others. Guilt arises when the day-to-day choices the “Real You” has to make, and the choices the “Ideal You” would make do not match. As a family caregiver you have to learn that you are not Mother Teresa and Florence Nightingale. There is no perfect caregiving solution, and “OK” is always good enough! You are not the first caregiver and you certainly will not be the last, and not one family caregiver has been, is, or ever will be perfect. So, do not beat yourself up for not being a perfect caregiver.
Note: A parent caring for a special needs child with a chronic or terminal illness has a special kind of guilt associated with the child being denied a “normal” childhood and the parent not being able to be a “normal” parent. This feeling of guilt is made more intense by the slowly growing realization that a lifetime of family caregiving may lie ahead.
Resentment is beating yourself up for what other people did or did not do. Resentment is a lasting, corrosive emotion that leads to feelings of deep and bitter anger or ill will, resulting from real or imagined wrongs. Feeling resentment is a case where “You swallow poison and hope the other person dies.”
Do not beat yourself up for not being a perfect caregiver.
Resentment comes from unmanaged expectations, that is, when there is a lack of understanding of what may or can happen or promises are made about outcomes that are not met. When treatment or care for Mom does not meet your expectations, resentment can build and become focused anywhere—on hospitals, nurses, home health aides, doctors, insurers, family members, neighbors, or any organization or person who did not do the “more” that would have made Mom’s outcome better. Resentment mounts quickly when your social life, friends, and acquaintances dwindle in the face of the demands of long-term caregiving.
Anger comes from being mad at the System for being so confusing; being mad at friends and neighbors for not understanding what you are going through; and being mad at yourself for not doing “better” when you have no idea what is expected of you. Anger, like resentment, can eat away at your quality of life, well-being, and sanity to the point where the stress it creates is detrimental to your health.
The targets of resentment rarely know about it or couldn’t care less. The System is what it is and not what you want it to be. People are who they are and not who you want them to be. Resentment builds when the System and people fail to meet your expectations. Allowed to fester, resentment can distort any situation’s reality. Resentment is tough, and lonely!
You are the only player in the game and you cannot win.
Guilt and resentment are self-inflicted and are prevalent in family caregiving. For some insight, consider how professionals define family caregiver: Anyone providing or responsible