Everyday Narcissism. Nancy Van Dyken
sit still and thoughtfully analyze the cause of the fire or what possessions to save.
Trauma may also impact other parts of our brain. As a result, we may have little or no conscious memory of the cause of the trauma, especially if it occurred in preverbal childhood, when we didn’t have words to remember or explain our experience.
Usually, though, our body remembers the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, or other sensory information associated with any trauma. When we later experience a similar sight or sound or taste, our body may automatically get triggered and shift into a trauma response. Suddenly, we will feel or act as if the original trauma is happening right now, in the present moment.
. . . intense and abrupt emotional reactions are usually trauma responses from an old wound that just got triggered.
Our body never forgets. It continues to react to those triggers, whenever and wherever they appear, until the trauma is healed. A classic case is the war veteran who, while playing with his kids in his own backyard, hears a car backfire. Because the sound reminds his body of a gunshot, fear kicks in, and his amygdala takes over. Without thinking, he dives for cover. As we will see, the trauma of everyday narcissism has similar effects on most of us when we re-experience—or are reminded of—painful sights, sounds, smells, and feelings from our childhood.
Have you ever had a sudden, strong emotional reaction to a seemingly small incident, comment, or gesture? You yourself may have been surprised by the intensity of your reaction. These intense and abrupt emotional reactions are usually trauma responses from an old wound that just got triggered—the result of the EN we were taught as children.
The Takeaway
This book will help you understand how everyday narcissism manifests in your own life, and it will teach you to recognize it and heal it.
As a result, you will grow into a life of greater happiness; more fulfilling relationships; less reactivity; greater responsiveness to the people and things that matter to you; and more meaning. You’ll also learn to recognize everyday narcissism in others and respond to their EN in healthy ways. Best of all, you will begin to understand your life in a whole new way. You will learn to recognize more choices and greater freedom in your life. You will begin to relax and enjoy your life more. You will rediscover your true self and live a life of greater joy.
Everyday Narcissism vs. Clinical Narcissism
“When the healthy pursuit of self-interest and self-realization turns into self-absorption, other people can lose their intrinsic value in our eyes and become mere means to the fulfillment of our needs and desires.”
P.M. Forni
It’s important to understand the difference between everyday narcissism and what is often called clinical narcissism.
Clinical narcissism, technically known as narcissistic personality disorder, is a diagnosable mental illness, one of ten types of personality disorders. The Mayo Clinic offers the following definition of a personality disorder:
A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work, and school.
Personality disorders are divided into three groups: anxious, suspicious, and emotional/impulsive. Clinical narcissism is an emotional/impulsive personality disorder.
Everyday narcissism, however, is not a personality disorder—and not something that can be diagnosed by a therapist. It’s a familiar outcome of being raised by less-than-perfect parents in a less-than-Utopian society. It’s not healthy, yet it’s extremely common.
In recent years, the words narcissism and narcissistic have become widely used in everyday conversation. In that context, they usually refer to someone who is extremely self-involved and doesn’t care about anyone else. People often use the term to refer to a boss, coworker, family member, partner, or neighbor.
This informal adaptation of a clinical term roughly parallels the use of the word depressed. A lot of people use that word when they temporarily feel sadness, hopelessness, or despair. This is a very different state from someone who suffers from clinical depression, which is a serious, sometimes chronic, and sometimes life-threatening disorder. Something similar happened in the 1980s and 1990s, when generous, cooperative people were occasionally labeled codependent in everyday conversation.
Let’s dig a bit deeper into clinical narcissism.
People with narcissistic personality disorder have a constant and overwhelming need for attention—and, usually, for admiration, praise, and validation. At a social gathering, they dominate the conversation. At work, they seek the highest possible position and regularly insist their ideas are the best.
Clinical narcissists typically exaggerate their accomplishments and talents—and genuinely believe those exaggerations. They lie often, blatantly, and shamelessly. They have a greatly overblown sense of their own importance and often come across as extremely arrogant. They tend to be bossy, judgmental, perfectionistic, controlling, and power-hungry. They have no qualms about exploiting, cheating—or, in some cases, destroying—other people to get what they want.
GEORGIA
Georgia lies in a hospital bed, only days away from death. Her daughter Clara sits besides her, holding her hand; her dog Brownie relaxes at the foot of her bed.
Georgia says to her daughter, “Have you made all the arrangements for my cremation and burial?”
Clara nods and squeezes her mother’s hand. “It’s all taken care of, Mom.”
“One other thing,” Georgia says. “I want Brownie cremated and buried with me.”
Clara pulls her hand away. “Brownie’s still young and healthy. He’ll probably live another six or seven years.”
“No. I love Brownie as much as any human being possibly can. I want him cremated, and then I want you to mix his ashes with mine.”
Georgia’s wishes are not a reflection of everyday narcissism. They are symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, a serious mental disorder.
People with narcissistic personality disorder have a strong need to be right in every situation. They genuinely believe they know and understand everything, and that they are never wrong. They also become aggressive when anyone challenges them.
This book is not about people with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s about you and me.
Most clinical narcissists have a strong sense of entitlement. They feel they are owed constant adulation, attention, and praise. They also feel they deserve to always get their way. Yet they have little or no insight into themselves, and they are utterly unable to empathize with someone else or see a situation from their viewpoint.
Perhaps most notably, people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t realize there’s anything wrong with them. In fact, they think that everything about themselves is just right—and better than everyone else.
This book is not about people with narcissistic personality disorder. It’s about you and me—and our relatives, partners, coworkers, neighbors, and friends. It’s about a form of emotional wounding that is as common as headaches and sore throats, yet far more painful and damaging. Most of all, it’s about healing the wounds of your own everyday narcissism and creating