From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire. Dawn Maslar
her book Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody explains that until we “acquire more healthy ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in a relationship healthy people will continue to appear less attractive. Just changing partners to a healthier person without doing the work of recovery will not solve the problem.” (Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller, and J. Keith Miller. © 2003, HarperCollins.)
HOW LONG SHOULD I STAY ON MY
Each personal retreat will be different. How long will it take? The length of time will depend on where you are in your journey. Some retreats may be as short as a few weeks, while others may last ninety days or more. Here are some guidelines to help you decide how much time you want yours to take:
If you are not sure where to begin, start with a sixty-day hiatus. If this seems too extreme, it may be easier to commit if you start with a thirty-day sabbatical. If Lindsay had taken a ninety-day personal retreat two years before that phone call instead of jumping into the relationship she was looking to end on the day she called me, she might now be making the decisions about marriage and motherhood she wanted, rather than looking for a new place to live.
MY PERSONAL RETREAT HESITATION
I confess that the first time my mentor suggested a personal retreat, I was resistant. I was unhappy and frustrated with my on-again, off-again relationship, but I was reluctant to take a break. I began my first retreat halfheartedly and wasn’t really being honest with myself. In the back of my mind, I was still manipulating. I was hoping that if my boyfriend realized I was gone, he would miss me so much that he would come back and commit to our relationship, and everything would be fine. I had read somewhere that if you stop seeing a man and he comes back in sixty days, then he is serious. So I did the retreat for sixty days. I just knew that he would come back. Then I could stop this silly thing and get on with my life.
And guess what? In sixty days he did come back. I was overjoyed. But I was not the pushover he had left behind. In those sixty days I had begun the process of valuing myself. So, when he returned and tried to fall into bed with me, as we’d done so many times before, a little part of me resisted. I was tired of him coming and going, leaving me feeling used. I wanted a relationship, not casual sex. So this time I did something different: I asked for what I wanted. I told him I wanted an exclusive relationship with him before we had sex again.
To my surprise, he was not upset. He was a gentleman, and said he respected my wishes. He smiled and seemed proud of me. I was elated. He did not say he would give me a commitment, but said he would go home and think about it. In the days that followed we had several dates. He wanted to have sex, but I stuck to my guns and restated my desire for a commitment. Each time he would respect me and go home. He became more attentive. He started calling every day, just to talk. We dated for several more weeks, and I was excited that my plan seemed to be working.
Then, one day, his calls stopped. After three long, agonizing days, he called. He told me that he had been thinking about what I wanted, and decided he could not give it to me. I was devastated. My first reaction was to say, “Okay, never mind. I will take whatever you have to offer me, just don’t leave me.” But I didn’t. I wanted more, and I was finally realizing I was worth it. I was no longer willing to settle for love scraps. I had to let him go. I was now truly ready for my personal retreat.
PACKING FOR YOUR PERSONAL RETREAT
To get the benefits from your personal retreat you need a complete break from men; call it a man-ban, a date-break, or a “he-tox.” Whatever you would like to call it, the bottom line is…NO MEN. No dating, no phone calls, no emails, and, of course, no sexual contact with anyone. Start by deleting the men’s numbers from your cell phone or phone book. If a man is a friend whom you may want to call after you’ve completed your retreat, then write his number down for later. Put the paper somewhere safe, or give it to a woman friend to hold for you. Next, remove all the men’s email addresses from your online address book. If you have a little black book, burn it.
Tell all your guy pals what you are doing and explain that you won’t be able to talk with them for a while. If they are your true friends, they will understand and support you. If they don’t support you, then you are better off without them.
Stop all behavior that gets you attention from men. Yes, that even means that cute delivery guy. Order from a different restaurant. Avoid places where men hang out…no sports bars or tractor-pulls. If you are invited to a place where there are a lot of singles, don’t go. It may seem like a big sacrifice, but it’s only temporary. (Don’t worry, you will not forget how to date.) Go see a movie with a girlfriend instead. But skip the love stories; they will only make you miss the male attention you see onscreen.
Put all your sexy clothes in a box. Sleep in those old comfy pajamas you wouldn’t want a man to see you in. If you’ve been driving by a construction area where you’ve been getting wolf whistles on the way to work, change your route. Go to the gym on off-hours or take the female-dominated classes. Do not go anywhere you know you will see men whose attention you might be even remotely interested in.
You may meet someone and be tempted to be diverted. This is normal. There’s always a part of us that resists anything new or unfamiliar. It is almost as if your resolve is being tested. Are you really committed to your heart’s desires? If you answer yes, you will continue along the path you’ve now begun. You’ve heard the saying, “no pain, no gain”? A little work (a little pain) will garner you a little gain. A lot of work/pain will get you a lot of gain. You get to choose.
To help me stay committed to my decision, I announced my intentions to all my friends. I told them what I was doing and why. To my surprise, everyone was supportive, and even offered to help. A few of my girlfriends said they were going to watch me, and if my retreat worked for me, they would try it for themselves.
Some days were tough. When I felt down, I would want to call or email a guy. On those days, I wanted to give up. I told myself ninety days was too long. But I’d made a commitment to myself. So, on the days when I felt particularly challenged, I would take a “one day at a time” approach. Just for that one day, I told myself, I would not call a guy. I told myself, I don’t know what I will do tomorrow, but I definitely won’t call today. Instead of calling a guy, I would call a girlfriend who was supportive and talk to her.
I recommend asking a girlfriend to be your “retreat buddy.” Explain to her what you are doing and why. Ask her if it would be okay if you call her when you feel yourself weakening and wanting to call a man. I think you’ll find that most friends will be honored to help you in this way. Stopping any behavior that is familiar to you, particularly behavior that you’ve used to release tension or make yourself feel better, even temporarily, is difficult. Being accustomed to a situation, even a painful one, promises a certain level of comfort. Change takes courage and usually requires support from others. But, most of all, it takes faith that the change you’re working to achieve will benefit you. Sometimes the pain needs to become worse before it gets better. Remind yourself of this whenever you need courage.
LIFTOFF
When we’re breaking old habits or starting anything new, it takes a lot of effort