Out of the Woods. Diane Cameron
experiencing the sensual didn’t have much of a chance.
But my saving grace was twelve-step recovery, a sponsor who was a nurse, and oddly, Helen Gurley Brown—the longtime editor of Cosmopolitan magazine and the author of many books including Sex and the Single Girl, which, despite the title, was all about work and careers, not libido. (Helen was married to the movie producer David Brown, who knew the importance of an impressive title.)
Helen’s later books were about relationships and aging and sex. In her book The Late Show, which she wrote in her sixties, Helen made the point that women over fifty have to decide that they want an orgasm—and then go for it. She got my attention. When I first read that statement I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, but I have since come to understand.
I AM RESPONSIBLE
It turns out that “going for it” is about self-esteem, self-care, assertiveness, and the best kind of seduction. I can’t tell you how glad I am to give up faking it, and in that process I’ve learned valuable information about my own erotic sensibility. (By erotic sensibility I mean what it takes to get in the mood, which fantasies work for me, and exactly what needs to happen in the, um, athletic sphere.) A woman does need to take responsibility for her orgasm. It may sound a tad “transactional” but it’s true. I mean, this too is about being happy, joyous, and free.
Taking responsibility means getting in the mood, using fantasies, erotica, maybe even toys, and it means speaking up. There are countless good books about sexual communication, and with the growing baby boomer demographic, there are many good books on how to keep sex energetic and spirited in a long-term relationship. Women in recovery are passing those books to their friends and they—the books and the friends—are worth it.
AWKWARD OR UNCOMFORTABLE SEX
Sometimes, and it can happen in new relationships or in longstanding ones, sex gets uncomfortable or awkward. What does a recovering woman do then? Maybe something doesn’t work; maybe you can’t “perform” or he can’t. Or one of you wants something that the other person can’t or won’t do. Or you both want to try something new and it bombs.
This is, I think, the critical moment when you know whether you are a couple or not. How do you handle sex that doesn’t work? Do you laugh? Yes, with each other. Do you cry? Maybe that, too. And then, hopefully you also talk. To each other.
“This is us,” I have said. “This is our sex life, not anybody else’s; we get to make the rules.”
“Yep, this is us,” he says.
And then we hold each other.
SURROUNDED BY HELP
All of this means that we need to take care of our bodies. Most of us will need some outside help. It might be from our doctor, gynecologist, therapist, nutritionist, and maybe a massage therapist, coach, or personal trainer.
Our bodies are the vehicles that carry around our minds and our spirits. So as recovery progresses, we need to keep investing in learning about and caring for our physical well-being.
AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: KEGEL EXERCISES
This is information I wish I’d had years ago: Kegel exercises will make your sex life better, with or without a partner. When I learned about Kegels, I swore I’d spread the word to other women, so here goes: To have orgasms and better orgasms you have to have strong pelvic floor muscles. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t do an anatomy lesson here but you can look it up. You can Google “Kegel” or ask your doctor or a good friend or your sponsor.
Then do your Kegel exercises. You’ll be glad. I promise.
TWIGS FOR CHAPTER TWO:
Physical: Bring the Body
• What new thing are you doing for your healthy body? A new food? Exercise technique? What did you love as a kid—swimming, dancing, hiking, biking? Could you try that now?
• Attend one of the many women’s networking nights with a focus on women’s health. Your local Chamber of Commerce or YWCA may be the host.
• Invite a friend and try a new fun kind of exercise: NIA (Non-Impact Aerobics or Neuromuscular Integrative Action), dance, yoga for round bodies, tap dance or clogging.
Chapter Three
MENTAL: OUR THINKING GOT US HERE
She was writing to an audience of Overeaters Anonymous members. She talked about what happens when a woman or man in eating disorder recovery begins to let go of that addiction and how, if a higher power is not the replacement, he or she will move on to shopping, decorating, exercising, dating, sex, work, and using alcohol or other drugs. In my OA community, using drugs was frowned on but there were members who still used alcohol, seeing the separation of substances rather than the singularity of addiction.
It was not unlike the way most professionals viewed drug addiction and alcoholism twenty-five years ago. At that time many hospital treatment programs for drug addiction allowed participants to drink alcohol. In some programs people completing their treatment for drug addiction were given a beer bash as the celebration of their ninety days of “clean” time. We are amazed by that today. Maybe someday we’ll be amazed by alcohol treatment that allows tobacco use or ice cream parties on Friday nights.
Addiction is one disease with many manifestations. We have a tendency, in recovery, to substitute addictive behaviors and compulsions. It makes sense. Today there are any numbers of things that I can “use”—be it behavior or substance—as a way to “fix my feelings.” Conversely, I know that if I can sit still and feel my challenging feelings then I will be much less likely to reach for a substance or behavior to fix me.
Most of us have more than one thing we can use to not feel. You hear it in meetings. Sometimes we hear it spoken about seriously and sometimes as a joke but it’s there. The AA member who says he gave up booze but picked up ice cream or the Al-Anon member who comments on her “retail therapy” is talking about this common tendency.
Stay in recovery long enough and you learn that there is truth in those jokes. As recovery progresses we notice that we can get carried away with any number of ways of soothing or numbing our emotions.
We are human beings, and even nonaddicts use food or a new pair of shoes to boost their moods, but those of us who identify as addicts have to be mindful that we can always use a good thing in a bad way to escape our feelings.
Maybe the easiest way to discern whether something is an issue is to apply a few diagnostic questions: Do you feel shame about this? Do you keep this a secret? Does it bother you if someone points out what you are doing? This discernment continues into later recovery. It must.
But after many years, we are sitting in the same chairs and saying things that are remarkably similar. The principles of recovery are the same, whatever the substance or behavior.
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