Real Hope, True Freedom. Milton S Magness
Part Five: Detour into Relapse
Chapter 25: General Questions about Slips and Relapse
Chapter 26: Recovery from Slips and Relapses
Chapter 27: Preventing Relapse
Additional Relapse Prevention Tools
Adjust Your Expectations
Mindfulness in Relapse Prevention
Part Six: The Journey Home
Success Stories
Kangaroos and Emus
Appendix A: Finding Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) and Answers at a Glance
Appendix B: Recovery Programs at Hope & Freedom Counseling Services
Appendix C: Recovery Programs and Resources at a Circle of Joy
Appendix D: Additional Sex Addiction Resources
Twelve-Step Programs for Sex Addicts
Twelve-Step Programs for Partners of Sex Addicts
Twelve-Step Programs for Couples
Christian-Based Twelve-Step Meetings
Websites to Locate Therapists That Specialize in Sex Addiction
Intensive Outpatient Sex Addiction Treatment Programs
Inpatient Sex Addiction Treatment Centers
Christian-Based Workshops
Sex Addiction Recovery-Related Websites
Other Web-Based Resources
Inspirational Audio Messages for Sex Addiction Recovery
Twelve-Step Fellowships for Other Forms of Addiction/Compulsive Behaviors
The Twelve Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous
When people ask me what kind of work I do, I’m never quite sure how to respond. And when I do (always as briefly as possible), they often squirm in discomfort. On occasion when a man has asked me follow–up questions, I’ve simply handed him my card and suggested he look at my website. Then, if after looking, he’s still interested, he can give me a call. As you may have guessed, those calls never come. The term sex addiction makes them uncomfortable.
The topic of sex addiction makes us all uncomfortable. Especially if we don’t understand what it means (and does not mean), how it starts in one’s life, how it impacts the lives it touches, and how to heal the wounds that usually fostered it in the first place.
Maybe I should simply introduce myself as a story bearer. We’ve all seen torchbearers for the Olympic Games on TV. But instead of a flame, I carry women’s stories tucked in the recesses of my heart. Hearing these stories and carrying them in my heart has taught me many things. I’ll share some of those lessons as I answer the many questions women have submitted for this book. But I want to share three of them here.
Pain Does Not Bow to Psychological Criteria
Women’s stories have taught me that the psychological criteria used to diagnose sex addiction do not matter to the heart. When your life is shattered because the one to whom you’ve entrusted your heart has sought emotional or physical gratification outside your relationship, you really don’t care whether a professional would label him a “real sex addict.” Fairly regularly, a new woman will say to me: “The counselor gave him a test and told him he is not a sex addict; does that mean I shouldn’t hurt? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?”
No, there is not something wrong with you. When vows, commitments, and treasured connections are violated between a man and his partner, it hurts. It makes no difference to a broken heart whether or not his behavior meets the required diagnostic criteria for sex addiction. Loss is loss. Pain is pain. And it’s all experienced as trauma, with or without a professional’s blessing.
There Are Treasures in the Trauma Chest
Treasures in the trauma chest? Are you crazy? I can almost hear women thinking these words as we approach this topic in groups. Granted, it’s an idea that may come further along the healing path for some than for others. Yet, many women realize fairly early on that buried beneath all the heartache, loss, and change their partner’s addiction brought to their lives, there are buried treasures.
What might those treasures be? Most gain a new understanding of themselves, their gifts, their strength, their courage, their tenacity, as well as their ability to love, to forgive, and to dust themselves off and begin again. They gain the ability to allow others to have their own feelings without losing their own peace. They gain the ability to grow healthy boundaries. And they gain empathy they could never have known without this shattering experience. Strikingly, couples who make it to the other side, still together, all say they have gained a relationship they would never have known if they’d been spared this challenging journey.
An Opportunity for Adventurous Growth
While most of us can compare this “adventure” to falling down the rabbit hole in an Alice-in-Wonderland-like experience, once the disorientation clears, with the help of a guide, we soon realize we must roll up our sleeves and go to work building new emotional muscles. If we’re to survive, and to eventually thrive, it’s going to require hard work and growth!
This is my favorite part of being a story bearer. I’m given the joy and the privilege of being invited into women’s stories as they begin to write a different future based on their new growth. And as the weeks pass, I have a front row seat as they grow and strengthen new emotional muscles.
Most can only see their growth and progress in the rearview mirror. But in time, all realize how far they’ve come. And some even say it’s been worth all the pain for what they’ve gained from this devastating experience.
My sisters on this journey are amazing. And so are their stories. What a privilege to be granted a season of sharing in their stories and lives, then to carry them in my heart for the rest of my days.
These are just three of the rich lessons being a story-bearer has taught me. My hope for you, dear Reader, is that as you keep taking baby steps along your own trajectory of healing and growth you will make these—and many more—discoveries. And, that in the bottom of your trauma chest you too will find beautiful buried treasures.
Marsha Means
When I first began offering Three-Day Intensives that focused on restoring relationships damaged by sex addiction, I did not realize how many couples would want to participate in these programs. For many years I did my best to accommodate as many couples as my schedule would allow. But one therapist cannot meet the needs of all couples. Additionally, I realized that unless I trained other therapists in my treatment model, the Hope & Freedom Intensive Program would end whenever my career comes to an end.
Over the past several years, I have trained a small number of outstanding therapists to become Certified Hope & Freedom Practitioners (CHFP). I looked for deeply skilled sex addiction therapists who would come to Houston and learn my treatment model while working with several couples in Hope & Freedom Intensives. What I did not expect was how much I was going to learn from this group. I sit in awe of them and of their commitment to help couples restore their relationships. In every case, the teacher became a student during the training.
I have read glowing success stories from many couples who attest that their relationships