Just every now and then. Sometimes, if it’s really late at night, I’m still cautious about going to the bathroom.
Ross:
The other fears — like sleeping on your own — when did they pass?
Mary:
Sleeping on my own wasn’t possible until about 13. Checking under the bed? Well, I’m still working on that. (Mary smiled).
Ross:
You still worry about something getting you in the night?
Mary:
Sometimes, I’ll deliberately kick my foot under the bed for a few minutes. Same with checking the cupboard.
Ross:
So some of the remnants of your first fears are still here.
Mary:
Yes. They just change. They adapt to my logic and my reasoning. They try to find a way to survive despite my thinking maturing.
Ross:
Okay. If I’m hearing you right, you might still fear being alone in bed, but it won’t be so magical? It mightn’t be due to monsters in the cupboard, but fear of an intruder or something like that?
Mary:
Yes. It could be that. Or it could be due to a health fear. What if I have a stroke or aneurysm in the night and I’m alone? I still have some sensible caution in deep water, although I’m not expecting sharks in pools! But there are still magical aspects to some of the fears, like checking for things under the bed.
Ross:
So the fear stimulus has remained, but the outcome you fear may have changed?
Mary:
It does fluctuate, yeah.
Ross:
That’s very interesting. Tell me, what other things have you feared? What have been the dominant fears in your life? The worst things from your point of view that have caused you problems?
Mary:
A lot of food-related fear about anaphylaxis and choking and contamination and poisoning.
Ross:
Certainly, when I met you, these fears were far and away the most significant part of your suffering. Do you think they’ve been the most disabling set of fears you’ve ever had?
Mary:
Perhaps, although the fears of things I had no control over may have been worse. Of course, they’re just different aspects of the same thing — a fear of sudden death. But the ones that I had no control over — so the aneurysms, the strokes, not being able to breathe — were so disabling. In the end, I just said to myself that if I didn’t leave the house it wouldn’t happen. I also remember thinking that if I did have an aneurysm I’d rather it be at home. On the other hand, I could do something about the food things. I could only eat completely safe foods, and only eat in completely safe places, like accident and emergency departments at hospitals.
Ross:
Right. So it was the fear of sudden medical mishaps that led to the agoraphobic avoidance.
Mary:
Yes. But you know what’s weird? I had a period in my life, from about 13 to 15 years of age, where I’d say I had no fear at all — where it all completely went away. I don’t remember suffering any fear during that period of time. I caught a plane by myself. I walked everywhere by myself. I slept in my own bed. I was totally self-sufficient and functioning very well.
Ross:
Was there anything about that period that you can put it down to? Was there anything in your life at that time that was fundamentally different to the period before it or after it?
Mary:
I think for the first time in my life, I had a purpose. I had a job at 13 and felt real purpose. School had never given me purpose. I always hated school. It made me anxious — I had a lot of panic attacks and fears at school. I remember one of my earliest fears, which I still have now and again, was of meningococcal meningitis. There was an outbreak when I was about 12. I remember I had a diary that I used to write in because I was so terrified of getting it. My parents gave me a phone when I was about eight years old because I’d have anxiety attacks and I’d just call them from the school bathrooms.
Ross:
So at 13, you got a job.
Mary:
Yes, at Domino’s. And I felt a purpose for the first time.
Ross:
Suddenly you were doing something that felt meaningful, and your fears left for several years.
Mary:
That’s right.
Ross:
You were working in that job across that whole period?
Mary:
Yes.
Ross:
And then your fears returned. When and how?
Mary:
I don’t know exactly, although I have some ideas. Things had been going so well. I was working and I’d discovered boys. I was dating, and at 15 I had a boyfriend and was staying at his house a lot. He would go to work and I’d be by myself a lot. But I was very relaxed. I was not afraid at all. But then … I don’t know … I had a situation where I was coerced into sexual activity with a man who was much older than I was. It was straight after that my fears returned, although I’ve never believed that it was the sexual encounter itself that caused it. I think it had more to do with feeling let down by people around me. You see, I told everyone what had happened and they made it sound like I just wanted attention and that I’d wanted to have sex with this older man. Everyone I’d trusted turned against me. So maybe that was it. Soon after that, I remember getting the thought ‘I have a brain tumour.’
Ross:
I see. So suddenly you had a brain tumour thought and …
Mary:
It just overtook everything.
Ross:
… the anxiety’s back.
Mary:
Everything came back. Yes.
Ross:
I see. In the midst of everyone letting you down.
Mary:
That’s right.
Ross:
People that you trusted and believed in. And you would’ve been quite surprised, I imagine, that these people that had been in your trust network suddenly abandoned you. So perhaps, again, you came to believe that the world was a more dangerous place than you had realised. People that were meant to be relied on weren’t there for you. Have there been any other happenings in your life that you think intensified your fears? It could include bullying or actual illness or accidents. Is there anything else you haven’t mentioned that happened to you that clearly occasioned an increase in the intensity of the fears? Anything else?
Mary:
I suffered severe bullying all through school because I was a weirdo. I am a weirdo. I remember I had an argument with my teacher when I was 12 years old because I said that there were no differences between girls and boys and that little boys were allowed to play with Barbie dolls. Everyone just thought I was odd. I liked poetry, and I liked witchcraft, and I liked exploring things, and so kids didn’t like me. I didn’t fit in.
