The Last Family in England. Matt Haig
the boy shouted one final time before we turned the corner.
‘It’s all right, boy,’ Adam assured me. ‘It’s all right.’
powder
Hal was pouring his white powder into a glass and filling it with water. He was in his pyjamas, as he had been for the past few days.
‘Mum’s still at the hospital,’ he told Adam, without being asked.
‘Oh,’ said Adam. ‘And Lottie?’
‘Yeah, she’s back. Sarah’s mum dropped her off. She’s upstairs.’
Adam started to tell Hal about the smashed bottle, but before he had time to complete the story, Hal leant forward clutching his stomach. He then turned, and moved quickly towards the downstairs bathroom. Ill-smells lingered.
Adam went to watch TV.
I followed him and, as Kate still wasn’t back, curled up by his side on the settee.
He stroked my head as he flicked through the channels, past dogs playing the piano and cats dancing.
Hal returned from the toilet, still clutching his stomach.
‘How was it?’ Adam asked him.
‘Still the same.’
‘Oh dear.’
Charlotte was coming down the stairs. She had left her bedroom door open, to let her music filter through. Adam and Hal didn’t say anything as she entered. Charlotte seemed to have a new look.
‘All right, shitpants?’ she said to her brother.
‘Don’t talk like that,’ said Adam.
‘Why? That’s what he is, isn’t it?’
‘He’s got diarrhoea. He feels very poorly. And what has happened to your face? You look like Death.’
‘It’s make-up.’
‘Don’t worry, Dad,’ Hal said with mock-reassurance one hand still on his stomach. ‘She’s thirteen. She’s lost and confused. She needs to experiment with different identities. Last week Britney, this week Marilyn Manson. We should try and be there for –’ He clutched his stomach and made a sound to indicate he was in pain.
‘Piss off, shitpants.’ And before Adam had time to reprimand her she was already making her way back upstairs.
mess
When Kate came home Adam asked her how her father was. She didn’t answer him, at least not directly.
‘Who’s left that there?’ she said.
‘What?’
‘The dog’s lead. Why hasn’t it been put away?’
‘I was going to. I got hurled abuse by some kids in the park. I used to teach them –’
Kate moved forward, into the kitchen. ‘Oh, Adam, look at all this mess.’
‘Love, I’m sorry. Come on, sit down. You look exhausted.’
I went over to smell her, and it was the same as it was most nights. Hospital smells. Grandpa Bill. She must have been holding his hand, I noted, as I sniffed her own. And she must have been holding it for a long time because it was stronger than the night before, when they had all gone to visit him together.
Kate looked down as I sniffed and she smiled her soft smile. The smile she saved for me. ‘Hello, Prince.’
everywhere
Later, when I was shut away, Lapsang arrived back. She had been gone for two days, and I was just starting to feel her absence. Of course, she had been away before, many times, in fact she was away more than she was in the house. But still, after a shaky start our relationship had blossomed of late, and when she was not there, at night, I missed having someone to talk with.
So when she luxuriously slid in through the cat-flap, my heart lifted.
‘Where have you been?’ I asked her. My tone was curious, not cross.
‘Everywhere,’ she purred. ‘Everywhere.’
‘I think the Family has missed you.’
She looked at me with her heavy, sceptical eyes. ‘I think you will find that the Family hasn’t even noticed.’
‘Be assured: they missed you.’
‘Well, darling, they’re going to have to miss me some more because I’m not back for long.’
‘But –’
‘In fact I’m thinking of leaving for good.’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I’m afraid I do, sweetie.’ She licked her paw. ‘Don’t you ever just want to get away?’ she asked as she stretched out in her basket.
‘Sorry?’
‘Don’t you sometimes feel the urge to just take off, to run away, to start afresh?’
‘No. I have to say I don’t.’
‘Oh, I do. Imagine how liberating it would be. Imagine, darling. To go from house to house, collecting new identities, new names, and an endless supply of milk.’
‘But you couldn’t, could you, really? You couldn’t leave the Family for ever?’
‘And may I ask why not?’
‘You’d miss everyone.’
‘Oh no. You see, that’s where you are mistaken. I wouldn’t miss them at all. Not one bit. I would just be thinking of all those new laps I could lie on.’
I sighed. ‘I think you are in denial.’
‘Denial?’ she miaowed in disbelief.
‘Uh-huh. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen the way you are around Charlotte. You’re very fond of her.’
Her head sank back into her neck. ‘She has the warmest lap in the house.’
‘Is that all she is to you? A warm lap?’
‘Yes, Prince. I’m afraid so. That’s all she is to me.’
‘I don’t believe it.’
Her voice switched. ‘Well, believe this. If you get too close to humans you will only end up hurt.’ Although she had a tendency to melodrama, I could not deny the conviction in her eyes.
‘How come?’
‘Darling, listen. I go around this town every day and every night. I am not like you. I am mobile. I can go where I want. I look through windows and I see what is happening. I cross their gardens and sometimes, when I know it is safe, I walk through their doors. I hear the stories other cats have to tell. The humans are in crisis. They pretend to everybody that they are all still as happy as they ever were, but behind the closed doors it is a different story. They are out of control. Parents and children are at war – with each other, and with themselves.’
‘So, what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying that if you get too close to the Family, you will end up going down with them.’
‘There are things, Lapsang, that even you don’t understand.’
Lapsang looked at me, doubtfully. ‘What don’t I understand?’
‘That the Family will be safe.’
‘How can you be sure when it is already happening? When the signs of its own sorry but inevitable destruction are already there.’
‘The houses you visit, are