Better Parents Ask Better Questions. Lindsay Boone's Tighe
of interacting with your kids and you suddenly change, there is a good chance it may not be well received. Once you have established a way of doing things, it will potentially be more challenging to change because of existing perceptions. However, change is certainly possible and it may be easier than you think.
Changing your style
I will now share with you some ideas that will help you deal with the challenges highlighted here, in the hope that something will inspire you to find a solution that is going to work for you. There are many potential solutions to deal with challenges, and whilst I never pretend to have all the answers, the following ideas definitely will help.
In the example above, where Joe is changing from being a ‘teller’ to an ‘asker’, my simple advice is to let Sophie know what he is doing and why he is doing it! I think it’s important to remember that there are ways to convey a message, and so it is important that kids understand that this is genuinely about you wanting to change your style and is not about them having done anything wrong. Whilst I personally don’t like scripts, what follows are some possible words that you might use that will help you to sincerely convey your reasons for your change in approach:
I will always do my best to help you in whatever way I can, and this means that sometimes I may not simply tell you what to do and instead I will ask you a few questions. I know that you have some great ideas and that every time I solve a problem for you by telling you what to do, I am not valuing your learning and you being able to express your thoughts. So, in future, what I’d like to do is ask you some more questions that enable you to bring your ideas to the table because I know you are pretty smart!
As I said, it is important that you bring your own preferred language and style when conveying the message, and as long as it is positive and confidence-building I have found that most kids will get where you are coming from, and many will appreciate your change in approach. I do recognise that this may not be the case for all kids and some may positively resist you asking them questions, so we will explore this further in a later chapter about dealing with challenges and issues with asking Better Questions. Being open, then, about your reason for asking questions is, I believe, the best way to proceed, and I suggest that it is very powerful to outline how you wish to fulfil your role so that you proactively manage their expectations of you.
Of course, another option Joe has in this situation with Sophie is to actually say nothing other than to ask the question and see what happens. It may be, and I have to say that this is far more likely to be true of younger kids than older kids and adults, that there isn’t yet an ingrained expectation of you that you will always be the ‘expert’ and answer questions. This means that you are far freer to take on the role of asker without any adverse reaction and the need for lengthy explanations. Indeed, from feedback I have had, it appears that younger kids are far more adaptable when it comes to adjusting to a questioning style than older kids and adults are, which makes your ‘asker’ role so much easier in this context.
Let’s revisit the Joe and Sophie scenario again, because I do acknowledge that it is possible that Joe may decide at some point to still be a ‘teller’ in this situation, depending upon how the conversation progresses. For example, if Sophie presents as being absolutely stuck and in dire need of help, my advice is to still be a questioner initially, because she may still be more knowledgeable than she realises. If, however, after a couple of questions it becomes clear to Joe that Sophie really is stuck and is looking more to him in his role of educator, then it is clear that Joe needs to switch to the other end of our imaginary line and become a ‘teller’.
The ego
Let’s explore one other aspect of our preference to be more of a ‘teller’, and that is an aspect of human nature that most of us don’t like to talk about – the role of the ego. It will be helpful to demonstrate the role that our ego plays in typical, everyday situations. So let’s go back to the same scenario, where Sophie goes to Joe for help with her homework.
Remember that most of us are programmed to respond by telling or advising another person what to do when presented with a problem, so automatically we provide an answer, or at the very least a suggestion to help them. Now what I’d like you to think about is the impact that ‘telling’ has on Joe after he has helped Sophie. Whilst most of what I am about to describe isn’t done at a conscious level, there is a good chance his ego will get a boost from his actions. We all have a need to feel significant and good about who we are, and in this instance Joe will be feeling a sense of self-satisfaction due to the fact that he has:
•helped Sophie out
•demonstrated his knowledge and wisdom
•proven that he is a good parent
•justified why parents know best!
Whilst I accept that there is a little cynicism in these points, they aren’t too far from the truth if we are prepared to be honest. So, if this is the case then we need to recognise that if we change to being an ‘asker’ rather than a ‘teller’, this sense of self-satisfaction won’t occur in the same way because we are no longer providing an answer. Given that we are strongly motivated by doing things that make us feel good about ourselves, the possibility of changing a habit that enables us to give ourselves a pat on the back is not going to be easy to do. That said, I trust that sharing this awareness with you enables you to be prepared for letting go of this ‘ego fix’. The good news is that I guarantee that your ego will indeed still feel very satisfied from the new practice of asking Better Questions. Accordingly, at this stage please trust me that at the end of the day your ego will still be its normal, happy self, and maybe even more content than usual if you adopt an ‘asking’ approach.
Thus, understanding how you’d like to go about performing your role and the values that you will uphold is the starting point to being a better parent who asks Better Questions. Once you have that clear in your mind, you must have the strength of your convictions to go into the world and be that person, which will include managing the expectations of self and, potentially, your kids. This will undoubtedly bring challenges along the way, but I believe that a better parent will have the resilience and resolve to work their way through these challenges. After all, wanting to tap into their kids’ potential and truly valuing empowerment are fabulous attributes of a true Potentialiser, attributes that society is crying out for.
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