'Can I Borrow the Car?' How to Partner With Your Teen for Safe Driving. Susan Boone's Tordella

      Panic in the passenger seat

      One hot June Saturday afternoon a friend hired my sons, then ages 16 and 15, to move her belongings from an apartment to a condo. We showed up at her second floor apartment at 8 a.m. with the mini-men and maxi-van, which Noah and Ian dubbed the “Man Van,” a full-size conversion van.

      Noah drove the van with a junior operator’s license. He had been driving only a few months during a time when teens have the highest rate of accidents. Almost half of novice teen drivers have an accident during their first year of driving. I hoped it wouldn’t happen with me in the front seat.

      Sweaty and tired from loading the contents of the apartment, I gave Noah directions to the condo in the pre-GPS era. Bumper-to-bumper traffic surrounded us at an unfamiliar intersection. Noah’s driving under these circumstances added more perspiration to my shirt, damp from carrying boxes down two flights of stairs in sweltering 85-degree heat.

      “Take a right at the next light,” I said. Noah conscientiously signaled to merge into the right lane to turn in 200 yards.

      Note: Whatever you’ve heard about crazy Boston drivers is true. We are impatient, rude, self-centered, in a hurry, and expect other drivers to be the same. Most Bostonians don’t bother to use turn signals.

      When Noah signaled to merge into the right lane, I glanced at the oversized mirror on the passenger door to check the blind spot, where a huge new black pickup truck glistened in the sun, hugging our bumper in the right lane.

      “Wait, Noah. Let the truck pass,” I said quietly.

      After a second of hesitation, Noah didn’t wait. He accelerated and merged into the lane anyway!

      I shrieked, closed my eyes, grabbed the armrest, stopped breathing and awaited the jolt of impact, the sickening crunch of metal-on-metal, and grimaced at the image of the $1,000 insurance deductible flying through my hands.

      Nothing happened. The van glided forward towards the intersection. I opened my eyes and turned to Noah, who was gripping the steering wheel and struggling to stay calm after my outburst. He had effortlessly merged into the right lane, ahead of the pickup truck, now behind us.

      “Mom, he let me in. I saw him in the mirror. He waved me in,” Noah said calmly.

      What? The pickup truck driver must have come from somewhere foreign, like Canada.

      I exhaled, wiped sweat from my brow, and realized there were two more teens at home that needed to learn to drive. I regained my composure and complimented Noah, “Good use of your mirrors.” We talked about the incident at dinner that night. He chastised me for my response. I’m only human. I was scared. The story went down in our family’s oral history of memorable misunderstandings between parents and teens. It shows how hard it is to let go of control of a car, especially as a passenger and a new driver is in charge of my safety and vehicle. Fear interfered with managing my emotions. It was a close call.

      This incident was one of many that spiked my blood pressure, made me sweat and worst of all, reduced the likelihood my teen drivers would heed safe driving habits. You can learn from my mistakes (and successes), also known as experience.

      The keys to independence

      Teaching teens to drive is like trusting your life to a young operator of a roller coaster who had a five-minute orientation. You reluctantly get into the little seat, grip the armrest, brace for excitement, feeling out of control and fearing for your life. Like all amusement park rides, it takes you from glorious anti-gravity ecstasy to death-defying plunges. Some call it fun.

      How do I know this? I taught my four teens to drive – two boys and two girls. I experienced the thrill and the fear – of the ride and my emotions. The hardest part of coaching them to drive was to manage my emotions during the crazy ride.

      This guide offers suggestions on how to manage your emotions and your teens, and set up a short set of safety guidelines for teens to learn and follow. The goal is to teach them to drive with good judgment and simultaneously preserve your relationship, vehicle and sanity. It’s not easy. I understand the fear, lack of control, sweat, increased blood pressure, and guilt about loss of temper.

      Your teen may be thinking one of the following statements.

      “I know so much more about driving than Mom/Dad.”

      “I pretend to listen to Mom/Dad and follow their rules until I get the car alone.”

      “I’ll live forever. No need to worry about accidents. I don’t know why Mom/Dad worry so much.”

      “I’m a good driver. I don’t have to follow the rules of the road. They’re for other people.”

      “I’m scared to drive. I’m not sure I want or need my license, but I’m doing it to please Mom/Dad.”

      Whatever they’re thinking, this guide will be useful.

      Start with the end in mind

      I welcome parents to my workshops by asking them what long-term attributes they want their children to develop. For example, I want my children to develop good judgment, to be resilient and able to live independently. Our goals influence how we approach milestones in maturity (that sounds like an AARP headline). Take a minute and write down a few of your long-term goals for your teens, like “have good social skills,” “finish school,” “good self-esteem,” and “have a good relationship with them.” It’s easy to get lost in the woods and lose the bigger picture.

      Ideas in this guide are gleaned from personal experience of teaching four teens to drive and from leading positive parenting skills workshops for more than a decade, based on principles gleaned from Dr. Alfred Adler that are useful for tots-to-teens as well as adults. See my other books and blog www.raisingable.com for regular reminders on developing positive parenting habits. Subscribers and comments are always welcomed.

      You have the opportunity to leverage your resources – the car and its insurance, and your driving skill and experience – to provide a safe foundation for your teen’s time behind the wheel for life. No other initiation into adulthood provides as much fun, independence and danger as the driver’s license. This guide will empower you – the parent or guardian -- to partner with teens to become safe drivers, because literally, life and death are at stake, especially for 16-year-olds.

      No matter what you teen is thinking and feeling about learning to drive, here are some cold cruel facts that may have motivated you to read this guide.

      •Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death for 15-to-20-year-olds.

      •Drivers who are 16 years old have the highest crash rate of all age groups.

      •Drivers who are 16 years old are three times more likely than any other age to die in a motor vehicle crash.

      •The riskiest time for fatal accidents