'Can I Borrow the Car?' How to Partner With Your Teen for Safe Driving. Susan Boone's Tordella
45 states have enacted graduated drivers licenses since the 1990s. (Source: Rocky Mountain Insurance Information Association.)
Your fears are grounded in statistical reality. Your quest is to:
•provide safe driving skills and coaching;
•instill fear and restraint in an over-confident new driver; and/or
•nurture the confidence of a timid driver.
You can do it, and in the process have fun and strengthen your parent-teen connection, which is the foundation of your relationship, and the platform from which they learn good judgment.
Parents must be proactive because, as you saw in the statistics above, the riskiest time for new drivers starts with the permit and continues for the next six to 12 months. Parents cannot afford the risk of taking Meg or Matt to get the driver’s license and then blithely hand over the keys to a vehicle with no further coaching. All 50 states have recognized this and implemented graduated drivers licensing. I recommend that you go beyond the state requirements. Take advantage of the first 12 months a new driver is on the road to supervise, train and encourage safe driving habits when teens are most at risk.
What’s in this guide
Below are a few anti-accident habits you and your teen can start adopting through practice. That’s how we absorb new habits – by:
1.Recognizing the need to change;
2.Refraining from the old way of doing things;
3.Reminding ourselves to implement the new habit through practice;
4.Reinforcing the change; and
5.Reflecting on the vast improvement.
This takes time, awareness and commitment. You will adopt the new habits if you gain the support of a group over a period of three weeks (the minimum) to 12 weeks (success highly likely). That’s the only way I’ve ever changed.
Teaching a teen how to drive depends on how you approach the relationship with your teen driver, along with expectations, trust, communication style, respect and connection. Despite the reputation of teenagers, you can use concepts in this book to nurture a close relationship that will ultimately keep your teen safer on the road and making better decisions in life.
Basic Safety Habits
Here is a summary of the basic safety habits to instill in your teens, and communication tips to preserve your relationship.
I. Communicate clearly and respectfully. Lay out expectations about safe driving habits you expect them to learn and use for life. Use the safe drivers contract (see appendix and at www.raisingable.com) as a guide. Be prepared to enforce agreements in the contract in a kind, firm, friendly and consistent manner. When and if agreements are broken, you will have agreed upon consequences in advance, agreements which are reasonable, related and respectful. (Credit to Jane Nelsen, Ph.D.) Keep the lines of communication open by regularly sharing information about defensive driving, accidents – especially those involving teen drivers – and by modeling safe driving habits.
II. Assume the role of a coach from the sidelines who wants your teen to succeed by a relationship based on mutual respect. Ask questions, notice progress and when the teen follows safe driving habits, and express gratitude. Say, “I feel safer when you follow the speed limit.” “Thank you for not ‘squeezing the juice’ on the orange light, and stopping instead of going through the intersection.” You want them to win, so cheer them on, and gently admonish them when they temporarily forget to use safe driving habits. Another word for this is encouragement, and noticing them doing what you want more of.
III. Make the time. Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Coaching a new driver takes time. Take a positive attitude toward this opportunity before they soar toward independence and hopefully leave home. Ideally, both parents will read this guide, even if they don’t live together, so you’re literally on the same page. Even if you disagree with some aspects, this guide provides a starting point to create a united front.
IV. Manage your emotions. It’s easy to feel out-of-control and to strain the relationship when a new teen driver is behind the wheel. I propose that you make a plan, and to be aware of normal and reasonable teen behavior so you can better manage your emotions. Knowing what to expect and having a plan to respond in a calm, kind, firm and consistent manner will make the experience more enjoyable for all. If you can’t get to enjoyable, strive for tolerable. When you have a plan ready, you can take action before getting mad. Anticipate that teens are not perfect and they might need to have access to a car temporarily suspended in order to remember that driving is a privilege, and safe driving habits must be taken seriously. Be willing to say during a lesson, “It seems like you’re not paying attention. Do we need to quit for today and come out again tomorrow?”
Noah, now 28, remembers a driving lesson when I observed him repeatedly ignoring safe driving habits. I calmly said, “Noah, pull over. I don’t feel safe. I’m going to drive us home. You can try again tomorrow.” This is called Act, don’t yak. (Credit to Dr. Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. – yes he holds both degrees.) The key is to take action before getting mad, and to be kind, firm and consistent.
V. Follow safe driving habits. The following nine practices provide a foundation of safe driving for all ages. It’s important to communicate them firmly and respectfully, and follow through with your own example. These habits are applicable for new as well as experienced drivers.
1. Eliminate and minimize distractions. This is the number one cause of all accidents for drivers of all ages. Prohibit texting, cell phone use, and fiddling with music devices and navigational tools. Turn off cell phones or have a passenger handle all calls. Do not call teen drivers when you know they are driving. Set up an agreement in advance to leave a message and have them call back later. Silence the ring and beep of text messages, which are more insidious than phone calls. Set up the music and GPS before starting the car, and pull over and stop to make changes. Ignore the phone.
2. Teach anticipation. Encourage teen drivers to prepare for upcoming hazards, traffic lights, lane changes, exits, stop signs, pedestrian crosswalks and parking lots, and to anticipate how weather and traffic impact driving conditions. Teach them to understand the mentality of other drivers, to identify dangerous drivers, and to give dangerous and crazy drivers a wide berth. Anticipation is a big part of defensive driving and judgment. New drivers are deficient in anticipation. It can only be learned through experience and coaching. Anticipation is also known as defensive driving. It can prevent many accidents.
3. Follow the speed limit or drive slightly under it. Exceeding the speed limit is a common cause of teen accidents because it shortens the response time and increases the danger because of lack of experience. Do not tolerate teen drivers who speed. Agree in advance that if a teen gets a speeding ticket, driving privileges will immediately be limited for a specified time. If it happens again, curtail driving privileges for twice as long. This is a related, respected and reasonable consequence that they will know about in advance. Do not impose it as a punishment. Say it in a firm and friendly way that makes them accountable. “Remember what we agreed? If you got a speeding ticket, you will not be able to drive for X amount of time.” If restricting their driving is inconvenient for parents, then prohibit use of the car for social and entertainment purposes. Obeying the speed limit could save their lives. Speed kills.
4. Know how to use the anti-lock braking system (ABS) and practice using it in an empty parking lot. Determine if a vehicle has ABS by reading the vehicle’s manual. If it does, practice an emergency stop by pressing down hard on the brakes. Do not pump anti-lock brakes. Anti-lock brakes launch into an instantaneous stream of mini-pumps to stop the car quickly. Practicing using the ABS in a parking lot will make you and new drivers familiar with how to use anti-lock brakes and be prepared in case of emergency.
5. What’s happening behind the vehicle? Ask the teen driver regularly, “Who’s behind you?” This teaches new drivers to be aware of other cars, to drive defensively and to get in the habit of checking the mirrors.