Pink Ribbon Stories: A Celebration of Life. Tammy Miller
for the situation. Stepping into the unknown calls forth courage.
You don’t have to have answers. She doesn’t have answers. Your gift is to be present to her in her time of uncertainty when she’s had her bearings knocked out from under her.
Hope is Always in Season
It may sometimes be hard to be present with your friend in all seasons of her journey. It can be wrenching to see her fearful, hurting or despairing. In those times, it is tempting to try to “cheer her up” but often efforts to do so may leave her feeling more alone and isolated.
One way to be supportive without denying her feelings is to maintain an attitude of hope.
The late Eloise Cole, a friend who was nationally known as a bereavement specialist and clown, captured the role of the supportive friend in her widely shared poem “Borrowed Hope.”
BORROWED HOPE
Lend me your hope for awhile.
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Lost and hopeless feelings accompany me daily.
Pain and confusion are my companions.
I know not where to turn.
Looking ahead to the future times
does not bring forth images of renewed hope.
I see mirthless times, pain-filled days,
and more tragedy.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
I seem to have mislaid mine.
Hold my hand and hug me;
listen to all my ramblings.
I need to unleash the pain and let it tumble out.
Recovery seems so far distant;
the road to healing a long and lonely one.
Stand by me; offer me your presence.
Your ears and your love
acknowledge my pain. It is so real and ever present.
I am overwhelmed with sad and conflicting thoughts.
Lend me your hope for awhile,
A time will come when I will heal
and I will lend my renewed hope to others.
---Eloise Cole, Scottsdale, Arizona
A Little Goes a Long Way
As you know, there are countless ways these days to connect with your friend: In person. By phone--voice, text or picture. Electronically--ecards, email, Facebook, Twitter. By postal mail. By tangible gifts, remembering that the importance of “presents” is that they remind her of your “presence” and the loving support that surrounds her.
You need not do big things. A little goes a long way. Some examples:
While I was waiting one week for test results, a friend brought me a small wooden carving of a person praying, saying she would be praying for me every day. I placed it on my bedroom bureau. It was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night. Through the week, just the sight of it—reminding me that I was being upheld in prayer--deepened my sense of peace.
My friend also brought me a smiley balloon. Some days it was the only smile in the house but it promised brighter days to come.
On the day I had exploratory surgery, another friend gave me a goofy figurine. I was unexpectedly hospitalized afterwards and that figurine reminded me of caring love all through the long night hours.
Ways to Bring a Smile
Never underestimate the power of a light-hearted moment. Medical research now shows the physical and emotional benefits of laughter. Sometimes we hold back from introducing humor in a situation out of concern that it will be inappropriate or taken poorly. And there are times that humor is not helpful.
So ask your friend for permission to have a lighthearted moment. Say:
“I heard a really awful groaner joke. Would you like to hear it?” Or:
“I was reading about the medical benefits of humor and I wonder if we could take a few moments from our regular time together to…” Or:
“I brought something really silly that I thought you might like to share with your family (or medical staff). May I show it to you?”
And if your friend isn’t up to it, she’ll say no and that’s okay. In fact it empowers her. How many times in her medical treatment can she refuse something? But if she says yes, some things you might consider sharing are:
Silly Jokes
Take copies of printed silly jokes or cartoons to leave with her so she can share them with others. You can find them in books and online.
One knock knock joke that’s good for her to share with medical staff is about HIPPA, those hospital rules that protect privacy by having people not share information. It goes:
Knock Knock. Who’s there? HIPPA. HIPPA who? I can’t tell you.
Chicken jokes are always popular:
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? She heard the referee call a foul.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her egg? She mislaid it.
At this point, you may be thinking that a silly joke doesn’t do very much. But shifting her mind, even for a moment, is giving her a “breather” from the daily grind and reconnecting her to the lighter side of life.
Sometimes it can do even more. The late actor Christopher Reeve recalled how he laughed at fellow actor Robin Williams who visited him wearing a blue scrub hat, a yellow gown and speaking with a funny accent. Reeve is quoted as saying “I laughed for the first time (since my paralysis) and I knew that life was going to be okay.”
Comedian Bob Hope has said “I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.”
Visual Props and Ideas
Find colorful, silly hats for you and your friend. On the internet, buy kazoos, rubber chickens and latex-free clown noses. Look for funny pictures of animals in magazines or in Youtube (www.youtube.com) videos.
Record or buy programs by her favorite comedians. Laughter has a long-shelf life. You can revisit a funny episode time and again and still enjoy the lighthearted lift. Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness who watched Marx Brothers films said that “ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.”
Look for humor in your own life to share. “A funny thing happened the other day…”
Celebrate milestones in her journey with fun mementos. Cut out paper “wings” and tape them to a crayon, telling her she passed her test (or ended her treatment) with “flying colors.”
The Power of Mirth
In summary, know that your presence with your friend in times of sadness and joy will make a tremendous difference. Whenever possible, lighten her load with love and laughter.
Perhaps it is said best by this poem in Richard Snowberg’s (out of print) book The Caring Clowns: How Humor, Smiles and Laughter Overcome Pain, Suffering and Loneliness:
The value, the worth and the power of mirth
Can help each of us to get through
When the going is rough and incredibly tough,
And even the sunshine