Out of the Darkness: An Unexpected Path to Freedom. Karrie Boone's Wallen
the conversation’s participants was working hard to make a connection between the “ungodliness” of lesbianism and God. His belief systems were being challenged. He even mentioned that as far as he knew, there was nowhere in the Bible that states that this type of relationship is ok. By now, I had reached the center of the labyrinth and was gifted with the following “drop-in:” God is Love….Love the Lord God with all Thy Might…Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. These are the things to remember. The rest is “story.”
As I made my rounds through the petals, I refocused myself and took notice that the labyrinth was bright blue today with gold trimming. It was shimmering in the sunlight. Clarity seemed to be its foundation. I spent some extra time in the 4th petal – Abundance. What does Abundance mean to me? I know many believe Abundance is all about money but this doesn’t seem to be the “core” meaning. For me, Abundance includes: bliss, happiness, giggles, joy. It means that I have everything I need in that moment (which would include money!). As I explored it more deeply, it became clear that Abundance occurs spontaneously when I am in alignment with the true me – my divine Essence. In fact, the only time I feel completely in balance and without worry is when I am in alignment. It is in these moments, I have everything I need. When I feel safe and allow myself to align with the truth of who I am, it’s like a channel opens and I’m walking in a surreal reality. I come “alive” in those moments in a way that isn’t normal for me and I know that something “special” is occurring…I am in alignment.
By now, the conversation near the labyrinth had subsided and I knew the gift the new pastor for the UMC - Davis was bringing the congregation. The blessing of an expanded understanding of God and Love had arrived. I wished them all the best on their journey together.
When I left the labyrinth, I found a quiet spot on the backside of the church and wrote a few notes on my experience. Though part of me found the rather loud conversation while I was walking the labyrinth a little disconcerting, I recognized the gift in the conversation. I contemplated different levels of Service – all well and good. There is the Service of volunteers assisting the church and there is the Service of a divine Essence(s) holding space in honor and recognition of the journey of another Essence. I could sense the Essences of the conversationalists holding space for me while I walked the labyrinth. Though the humans didn’t seem to notice, their Essences did. I could feel it. This is always true. If we take the time to pay attention….and still ourselves…we can sense the divine Essence of another in each and every moment – no matter the circumstances. This is where the truthful “conversation” takes place – in the wordless connection within the circle of sacred life.
There is peace today. Up to this point, I have been somewhat anxious or uncomfortable as the truthful energy of personally powerful insights rumbled though me. I look forward to tomorrow but will enjoy this day. It has been a blessing.
The Divinity in me bows to the Divinity in you…
Friday, July 01, 2011
Labyrinth #5: Grace Cathedral – San Francisco, CA
I just have to say, I AM POOPED! Though this has been an incredible journey, my body can’t take much more of this rumbling, rippling and rocking! Today, I drove over the Bay Bridge and into San Francisco to visit the super-fantastic Grace Cathedral. If you ever have the opportunity, it’s a must-see and a must-experience. The Cathedral has two Chartres-sized labyrinths – one inside the main entrance of the church and one outside in a front “patio” area.
The Cathedral is gargantuan with several vestibules. I could hear “ministers” leading prayers at different times in various parts of the church. The stained glass windows are incredibly beautiful and engraved with messages and stories. My favorite is a clandestine meeting between St. Francis and Claire. I decided to walk the labyrinth inside the Cathedral. My timing was excellent as I was able to experience the walk without much interruption.
As per most of my walks, I opened the labyrinth, set my intent and began the path. I could hear the Lord’s Prayer being recited by a small group in one of the vestibules. In my mind, Forgiveness was already beginning to percolate. “Doubt” and “Trust” were coming up big as I moved along the path. I heard myself asking for Forgiveness for all my anger, doubt and lack of trust in what I know to be true. I concentrated on what I felt regarding the labyrinth itself. Immediately, I saw and felt “gold.” The pathway turned to a deep plush crimson carpet lined with gold. In my mind’s eye, I kept seeing a crown and the path felt like the walkway to a coronation.
When I reached the center, I spent time in each petal as per my ritualistic routine. Faith… Surrender…Service…Abundance…Forgiveness… I spent quite awhile in the fifth petal before moving on. I heard, “Are you ready to forgive yourself, Karrie?” I could feel the depth at which the question entered me. (The tears are coming now as I’m writing.) I now realize that part of me was “shocked” by the question. The question was like an arrow from the Universe which upon impact instantaneously planted a more truthful perspective which woke part of me up like a bucket of ice water! At some deeper level I caught the true meaning underlying the question. I was the one that held the key to freedom. I was the one who held the key to the dungeon door – the dungeon of punishment, wrath and merciless judgment. And I was the one who held the gift of Forgiveness. Though I understood this concept at a “head” level, it was evident that I hadn’t truly known it in the core of my being until this moment. I recognized a part of “me” had been harboring some outdated dogma and had essentially brainwashed “me” into believing I was unworthy and undeserving - like I had “missed the mark” and was a disgrace. But in this one infinitesimal moment, I felt this “data” disintegrate…..“Are you ready to forgive yourself, Karrie?” Wow… I knew this experience had affected me deeply and I probably wouldn’t understand the full ramifications until later.
I moved through the final petal quickly and sat down in the center of the labyrinth (LOVE). I took a couple of deep breaths just to enjoy where I was sitting. It was then that I heard, “Golden Starlight of the Heavens [a metaphorical name given to me], are you ready to take back your heart and your crown?” I “saw” a huge diamond representing my heart and a golden crown with rubies and diamonds which I knew represented my crown chakra. Once again, I was shocked and deeply moved. The feeling in the moment was like the “prodigal son returning home” – not to wrath and punishment but to love and celebration. Again at a much deeper level, I realized that I was the one who pushed these deep feeling and sensing parts of me aside. I had closed them off due to doubt, lack of trust and the fear of being wrong as well as hurt. These aspects had been “kept” for me until I was ready to take them back – until I could Forgive myself. Amazing.
I walked out of the labyrinth in a state of awe. (I think my mouth may have been hanging open!) I felt a familiar pang of doubt and “this is ridiculous” but I quickly shut it down. I will no longer entertain such nonsense. I have been incredibly unhappy because I refused to take a stand in what I know to be true. I refused to trust my own knowings because what I knew wasn’t reflected in my everyday life. The façade was too strong and firmly embedded. Those days are done.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Labyrinth #6: The Mercy Center – Auburn, CA
As of yesterday, I decided I would visit the labyrinth at The Mercy Center in Auburn. However, I awoke this morning in great resistance. It was already hot at 7:30, I felt physically tired and I wasn’t even sure the retreat would be open to visitors today. (Whine, Whine, Whine) I tried calling the center but no one answered…did I really want to drive all that way and not be able to get in?! I then remembered that today was petal number 6 – Overcoming - and decided I had better get my behind in the car! As I stated already, I had enormous resistance! (Intensity-wise, the feeling was equivalent to the resistance I feel when I think about going back to work on Tuesday!) I checked-in with myself one more time about driving the 55 miles to Auburn and felt a “yes,” so off I went! I am practicing T-R-U-S-T! (I can spell it so that’s a start!)
The drive to Auburn was smooth and uneventful. When I reached the retreat center and entered the grounds, I almost broke into tears. The feeling of the Mother’s love was so tangible. I felt like I wanted