The Red House Mystery and Other Novels. A. A. Milne
between my Aunt Tabitha and myself is due to the fact that I discovered her guilty secret a few days ago. For years she has pretended that her real name was Harriet. I have recently found out that she was christened Tabitha--or, anyhow, would have been, if the clergyman had known his job.
MISS FARRINGDON. My great-nephew, Gerald, Mr. Wentworth--
GERALD. _Nephew_, Wentworth. I agreed to waive the "great" a long time ago.
WENTWORTH. You'll excuse my asking, but do you never talk to each other except through the medium of a third person?
MISS FARRINGDON (to GERALD). That's how they prefer to do it in the Foreign Office. Isn't it, dear?
GERALD. Always, Aunt Tabitha. But really, you know, we both ought to be talking to Wentworth and flaking after his mother and his liver--and things like that.
MISS FARRINGDON. Yes, I'm afraid we're rather rude, Mr. Wentworth. The Farringdons' great fault.
WENTWORTH (protesting). Oh no!
MISS FARRINGDON. How _is_ Mrs. Wentworth?
WENTWORTH. Wonderfully well, thank you, considering her age.
MISS FARRINGDON. Dear me, we met first in 1850.
GERALD. All frills and lavender.
MISS FARRINGDON. And now here's Gerald engaged. Have you seen Pamela yet?
WENTWORTH. Not yet. I have been hearing about her from Tommy. He classes her with the absolute rippers.
GERALD. Good old Tommy!
MISS FARRINGDON. Yes, she's much too good for Gerald.
GERALD. Of course she is, Aunt Tabitha. But if women only married men who were good enough for them, where should we be? As lots of young men said to you, in vain--on those afternoons when they read Tennyson aloud to you.
MISS FARRINGDON. She ought to have married Bob.
WENTWORTH (surprised and amused). Bob? Is Bob good enough for her?
MISS FARRINGDON. She would have made a good wife for Bob.
[Enter suddenly LETTY HERBERT and TOMMY from the garden. LETTY is an entirely delightful irresponsible girl of the type which might have shocked Queen Victoria. However, she seems to suit TOMMY. They are not engaged yet, but she has already that air of proprietorship.]
LETTY. I say, Tommy did the eighth in one. Why, there's Aunt Harriet. (Going over and kissing her) How are you, darling? Tommy's done the eighth in one. I know it doesn't mean much to you, but do say hooray, because he's so bucked about it.
GERALD (to WENTWORTH). Do you know Miss Herbert? Letty, come and be introduced. Mr. Wentworth--Miss Herbert.
LETTY (shaking hands eagerly). How do you do? I say, Tommy did the eighth in one. Do you know Tommy--_or_ the eighth?
WENTWORTH. Both, Miss Herbert.
GERALD. To a man who knows both, the performance seems truly astonishing.
MISS FARRINGDON. I don't know anything about golf, Mr. Todd. But doing anything in one sounds rather clever. So I say hooray, too.
TOMMY. I wish you'd let me teach you, Miss Farringdon. Lots of people begin when they're frightfully old.
LETTY (to WENTWORTH). This is one of Tommy's polite days.
GERALD. Mr. Todd's famous old-world courtesy is the talk of many a salon.
MISS FARRINGDON (to TOMMY). Don't you mind them. I _am_ frightfully old. I am very proud of it. I hope you'll all live to be as old as I am.
GERALD. I only hope we shall be half as nice.
MISS FARRINGDON. Gerald being charming as usual.
GERALD (firmly). I will also add that I hope we shall be kinder to our great-nephews than some.
LETTY (putting her arm in his). Diddums!
GERALD. Yes, I did. I am very much hurt.
TOMMY. I say, you know, Miss Farringdon, I never meant--
LETTY. I love Tommy when he apologizes.
[Enter SIR JAMES and LADY FARRINGDON from the door to front of the staircase. SIR JAMES, in a country check-suit, is a man of no particular brain and no ideas, but he has an unconquerable belief in himself, and a very genuine pride in, and admiration of, GERALD. His grey hair is bald on the top, and he is clean-shaven except for a hint of whisker. He might pass for a retired Captain R. N., and he has something of the quarter-deck manner, so that even a remark on the weather is listened to with attention. Neither of his sons loves him, but GERALD is no longer afraid of him. LADY FARRINGDON is outwardly rather intimidating, but she never feels so. She worships GERALD; and would love a good many other people if they were not a little overawed by her.]
LADY FARRINGDON. Ah, you're here, Mr. Wentworth. How do you do?
WENTWORTH (coming forward). How do you do, Lady Farringdon? How do you do, Sir James?
SIR JAMES. How are you, Wentworth? Come to see Gerald play for the county?
GERALD. He's come to see Pamela. Haven't you, Wentworth?
WENTWORTH. I rather hope to see both.
SIR JAMES. Ah, Aunt Harriet, I didn't see you. How are you to-day?
MISS FARRINGDON. Very well, thank you, James. (He goes over to her.)
LADY FARRINGDON. I hope they've shown you your room, Mr. Wentworth, and made you comfortable? Gerald, darling, you saw that Mr. Wentworth was all right?
WENTWORTH. Oh yes, that's quite all right, thank you, Lady Farringdon.
LADY FARRINGDON. Let me see, you're in the Blue Room, I think.
LETTY. It's much the nicest room to be in, Mr. Wentworth. There's a straight way down the water-pipe in case of fire.
GERALD. And a straight way up in case of burglars.
LADY FARRINGDON (fondly). Gerald, dear, don't be so foolish.
SIR JAMES. Gerald, is it true you went round in seventy-two?
GERALD. Yes. Tommy did the eighth in one.
TOMMY (modestly). Awful fluke.
SIR JAMES (casually). Ah--well done. (To GERALD) Seventy-two-- that's pretty good. That's five under bogey, Mr. Wentworth.
LADY FARRINGDON (to WENTWORTH). Gerald has always been so good at everything. Even as a baby.
TOMMY. He did the ninth in three, Letty. How's that for hot?
SIR JAMES (to WENTWORTH). You must stay till Thursday, if you can, and see the whole of the Surrey match. It isn't often Gerald gets a chance of playing for the county now. It's difficult for him to get away from the Foreign Office. Lord Edward was telling me at the club the other day--
LETTY (t0 LADY FARRINGDON). Gerald dived off the Monk's Rock this morning. I'm glad I didn't see him. I should have been horribly frightened.
TOMMY (proudly). I saw him.