Be Your Own Change Guru: The Ultimate Women's Guide for Thriving at Midlife. Susan Paget
then there are the practicalities of being in society. All of us at midlife have spent the majority of our adult time in the “getting” years. We’ve been “getting” an education, “getting” relationships, “getting” careers, “getting” a family and “getting” stuff. We’ve spent a lot of these “getting” years doing things because we’ve always been told that’s the way it was supposed to be. Following some of these rules has worked out just fine for us and then there are the others, where the expectations don’t fit at all to what we were told they’d be. And when some of these expectations didn’t pan out, we’ve been faced with choices, fork in the road situations. Some of us have faced up to these life crossroads as they’ve presented themselves while others have turned a blind eye – and understandably so. When you have a family depending on you or you’re just trying to keep the wheels of life turning, sometimes there’s no choice but to put your own needs on the back burner and hope everything will just magically work itself out.
For the most part, this kind of “deal with it or don’t” mentality manages to do the job for years, for decades. Before our 40s rolled around, we generally had the energy to push problems under the rug. We also had time on our side. It was easy then to think that maybe, once the kids got a little older, or once our careers finally took off, etcetera, etcetera, that maybe things would settle down and turn normal.
But now, here we are at midlife and this is where it all gets really interesting.
Many of the problems that have been smoldering beneath the surface as the years ticked over, whether they’ve been physical, mental, social or a little bit of everything combined, begin to crack through the crust.
At first these issues are a gentle nag. Picture a cranky toddler pulling on your clothes for attention while you’re trying to do something else. You can ignore the pull for a bit, but then, when that toddler starts wailing and getting really noisy and all around misbehaving, you get a big hint that it’s time to take some action.
So what’s going on here?
Is it possible that the things that haven't been working in your life, that you’ve continued to put up with, might actually be profound messages that are trying to tell you something?
For instance:
Why can’t you make peace with your body and feel good, once and for all in your skin?
Why are you putting up with a relationship that has nothing to do with the dreams or standards you’ve set for yourself?
Why do you do what your family, friends or even what your job dictates you to do when it’s never, ever felt right?
Why, as much as you love your kids, do you feel frustrated being “just a mom”?
What are you doing with your life and for God’s sake, why hasn’t the thing that you had hoped for happened yet?
A lot of what we imagine about what starts a midlife crisis is wrapped up in these big questions. It’s like a foggy mirror is wiped clean and without asking for it, you’re looking straight into a sobering reflection of where your life stands. When that moment of honest awareness looks you in the face and you’re presented with a picture that the most pressing issues of your life are either not quite right (or are dreadfully wrong) it stings.
But if you think the way I do, the flipside is worse. There’s a downside to ignoring the messages that are begging for your attention. In a lot of ways, these messages are like pulling weeds. It’s something we have to do if we want to see an amazing garden but it’s gonna mean getting our hands into the dirt. Midlife is an invitation for us to have a look back at how we got here and why we think and behave the way we do. It’s an opportunity to uncover who programmed our thoughts and how much of our life, the part that’s not working was a choice we made because of what society expected of us. It can also be a time to dig deep and own up to what part we’ve played in anything that’s limiting us at this point.
And this all brings us to a crossroads. We have legitimate solid reasons, both physical and emotional to take action, but at the same time, we’re still living in a time where we don’t have a strong cultural, medical or social support system to ease and lift us up to get through it.
At midlife we need to do exactly the same thing that pregnant women of earlier generations have done. Somewhere along the recent way, pregnant women saw they thrived with a delicate balance of relaxing into the reality of their physical situation while at the same time prioritizing their self-esteem. This changed everything and morphed into a demand - a non-negotiable request for the best - to make the most of the physical awesomeness that is pregnancy. Pregnant women expect state of the art information and choice and most of all they know to unashamedly ask for support and respect.
I feel like the same type of tipping point for the needs of women over 40 is just about here. There is finally a collective whisper of voices, a slight shifting of the earth under our feet. It’s a movement of women who’ve really had enough of the stigma, the bias and the lack of knowledge and choice.
On my end, I’ve found the responsibility of adding my voice to this movement overwhelming. There have been many times as I’ve been writing that I’ve asked myself, “What’s so special about me that I’m writing a book about how to make changes during one of the most profound times in a woman’s biological life?”
“I’m not a doctor,” I’d tell myself. “There are a million medical experts in this field who can do this better.”
But here’s the truth.
At the core of it, I’m just like you. I’m a woman who’s trying to live a good life and expecting that there will be solid guidance for the tricky patches, those quirky bits I mentioned, along the way. But the fact is there are very few medical experts in the world (and I mention my favorites in this book) who have been able to make a dent in the mountains of misinformation, scare tactics and old wives tales that surround the issue of menopause.
Knowing about what happens at midlife should’ve been pretty straightforward for me. Through my job I was plugged in to research, I was proactive in my health care and had women in my circle who were the same age. But none of that mattered. Generally speaking, nothing about perimenopause came easily into my radar and the messages that were there couldn’t get through to me. I had to find my own way when it came to working out how to navigate midlife and when I look back, all that I really needed was just a friend who could tell me that everything was going to be alright, actually even better.
So, consider me that friend, a sister, a mother, part of a tribe. Consider me someone who can pass on a little homespun wisdom collected personally and learned from pioneers in the field. And from there, the responsibility is going to be yours to apply these lessons and begin your own journey. That’s why this book is called “Be Your Own Change Guru”. Don’t get worried, this isn’t about how to don a white turban and sit in a pretzel position. “Guru” is just a simple word for “teacher” in the ancient language of Sanskrit and this book is really a do it yourself guide to making change. My hope is that this book can show you how powerful your own inner teacher is and how you can rely and trust yourself to make change and in turn, teach others one day how to do the same. In many ways, this is a modern reference to how the older women in tribal cultures were treated, as keepers of the knowledge with a high priority to pass the messages of midlife to their younger tribal sisters, when they were ready.
When I was researching this book and applying my personal experiences I realized something very interesting and powerful about making simple, singular change at midlife. I noticed that as I pursued answers and solutions to the individual challenges I faced, it secretly supported – or I should say continues to support- the physical and mental changes that accompany this time. Rather than feeling like I was at the mercy of “the change” or choosing to stay in the dark about all of it, I now notice that I feel more at peace and more empowered by the surprises that come my way. I’m certain our body and soul responds