Kevin Kramer Starts on Monday. Debbie Graber
head.
“‘I guess it’s all over,’ said Ralphie, watching as Matt Kelly’s brains ran out over the plush white Stainmaster carpet that came standard in every dorm room at Northanger Abbey.”
There’s been a murder at Northanger Abbey! I did not see that one coming. As a writer, you never feel good about killing off a character, but if it’s in service to the story, then so be it.
I’m going to change Ralphie’s name back to Franklyn. It’s been rough going through life being named Ralphie. I don’t know what my parents were thinking. It’s extremely selfish to saddle a child with that kind of baggage.
Here’s another question for the book clubs:
“Why is Delores still in a book club when she claims she can’t even read anymore? Is she faking dementia to avoid making amends for all the messed-up shit she and Fred dumped on Ralphie growing up? Did she ever love him? Discuss.”
If Mrs. Schnell comes to the book club meeting tonight, I may invite her back to my bedroom to show her the first and only page of the novel and then I’m hoping to bang the hell out of her. I think she’ll be impressed that despite all that has happened to me, I’ve turned out pretty good. I’m writing a novel, aren’t I?
This is going to be the last line of my novel:
“Franklyn’s ghost dusted off his own grave. He sighed and disappeared into the darkness.”
My novel will have something in it for everyone. Believe me.
EMPLOYEES:
There is a matter of some importance that the executives would like to share with you. As leaders of a company that was voted one of the five hundred most transparent companies in the San Fernando Valley (Westways Magazine, September 2009), we pride ourselves on addressing any type of situation.
As most of you know, the software department has been busy prepping for the first-quarter release of MPM 3.0, the newest iteration of Production Solutions’ continuing quest for better payroll-processing software. MPM 3.0 will be a game changer, providing our clients with sleeker and hipper ways to process payroll than ever before. But when Managing Director Deirdre Dempsey went down to the second floor last Friday for her regular meeting with our programmers, she found the department empty. She checked the kitchen and the patio, then asked Martin from facilities to check the restrooms on each floor. No software personnel were on the premises. Managing Director Dempsey says that she didn’t find this altogether strange, given that the developers sometimes keep odd hours. She was, however, “weirded out” by the silence, so she sent what she describes as a “forceful” e-mail to Product Manager Jim Smalley.
That e-mail went unanswered, and at three o’clock she went back down to software with a “full head of steam” and again found no one. This time the lights, which are on a motion detector, were out, indicating that no one had been there in six hours.
Since that time, HR has made contact with the families of all software-department members. It seems they all left for work on Friday, but have not been heard from since.
We are investigating this phenomenon to the very best of our abilities. The sheriff’s department has been alerted, as has the FBI. This is not, we stress, an emergency. According to law enforcement, mass disappearances are not uncommon. Often one person will decide to take the day off and others will follow suit, in “senior ditch day” fashion. We trust in our officials and believe they are doing all they can to locate the missing software department. We will continue to give you updates as they become available.
EMPLOYEES:
Some of you may have heard that the clothes the software-department members were wearing at the time of their mass disappearance were found in the dumpster near the facilities shed across the street. This is unsubstantiated. No clothes were found in or around the dumpster. In fact, Bob Ferrara’s nebulizer was still running when the department was discovered to be missing, so we can only assume the team left in a great hurry, with no time to strip. As soon as we have any new information regarding the software department, we will alert you.
EMPLOYEES:
Some of you have expressed concern about the absence of several members of the accounting staff. Do not worry. They have all been located at their homes, where they are suffering from pinkeye, courtesy of Doris McClellan’s daughter, Amy. In response, the executive team is considering canceling Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
If your coworkers are out of the office, do not immediately assume the worst. Unless you are told otherwise, coworker absences are due to illness, paid time off, stress leave, or some other nonthreatening reason.
Please note that the search continues for the software department, and that the executive team realizes that, since we are primarily a software company, we cannot function without a software department. We are meeting about this every day.
EMPLOYEES:
A new e-mail address has been created for questions regarding the software-department situation. Please e-mail [email protected]. Do not ask HR or the executives for updates, as we are extremely busy. Thank you for your cooperation.
EMPLOYEES:
Production Solutions is going through a challenging time, and we appreciate your efforts to remain calm. Some of you have managed to complete your work in a timely and error-free manner. A shout-out to Rachel Kaiser, in particular, who answered more calls this month than anyone else in tech support—more than three hundred calls! Congratulations, Rachel! A gift will be on its way, pending management approval.
Others, however, have not been as successful at regulating their anxiety. Please note that e-mailing the software-questions address several times a day with speculative “leads” will not rectify the situation any faster. Nor, for that matter, will hounding your managers about when MPM 3.0 is going to be released. It is also unhelpful to hit the Ignore button on your phone, leaving your fellow tech-support representatives to answer your calls. (Congratulations again, Rachel.)
And let it be said too that neither kicking over the soda machine in the break room nor spray-painting a pentagram on the wall is the optimal way to handle stress. Instead, consider these options: talk to your coworkers about the latest sport scores during your state-mandated fifteen-minute break; take a yoga class before or after work; remove your headset and take deep breaths at your desk.
We must continue to act in the best interests of our clients and the company. Thank you for your attention.
EMPLOYEES:
In answer to a frequently asked question, our HMO does not currently cover yoga classes. It also does not cover chiropractic or acupuncture. We will bring these items up with our insurance provider during negotiations next year.
EMPLOYEES:
It is imperative that we not let our competitors or news outlets learn about our current challenges. To that end, an electronic legal agreement is up on the intranet, which you must sign electronically as of five P.M. today. It is vital that all employees sign the waiver. It is a simple one-click signature. Once you have done so, a Starbucks gift card will be distributed to you by your manager. The only way to obtain the card is to sign the waiver. If you have any questions about the waiver, the software department, or anything else related to this current obstacle to our company’s success, please direct them to [email protected].
EMPLOYEES:
It has been brought to our attention that Starbucks is not accepting some of your gift cards. This was an oversight. New gift cards will be distributed to those who have complained and whose electronic-waiver signatures have been verified. Please do not e-mail the softwarequestions