The Motherfucker with the Hat (TCG Edition). Stephen Adly Guirgis

      The Motherfucker with the Hat is copyright © 2017 by Stephen Adly Guirgis

      The Motherfucker with the Hat is published by Theatre Communications Group, Inc., 520 Eighth Avenue, 24th Floor, New York, NY 10018-4156

      All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio or television reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by an information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

      Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this material, being fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and all other countries of the Berne and Universal Copyright Conventions, is subject to a royalty. All rights, including but not limited to, professional, amateur, recording, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are expressly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed on the question of readings and all uses of this book by educational institutions, permission for which must be secured from the author’s representative: John Buzzetti, William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, 1325 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10019, (212) 586-5100.

      The publication of The Motherfucker with the Hat by Stephen Adly Guirgis, through TCG’s Book Program, is made possible in part by the New York State Council on the Arts with the support of Governor Andrew Cuomo and the New York State Legislature.

      TCG books are exclusively distributed to the book trade by Consortium Book Sales and Distribution.

      Library of Congress Control Number: LCCN 2016036073

      ISBN 978-1-55936-843-8 (ebook)

      A catalog record for this book is available from the Library of Congress.

      Book design and composition by Lisa Govan

      Cover design by Rodrigo Corral Studio / Alvaro Dominguez

      First Edition, January 2017

      Contents

Production History

Characters

SCENE 1

      SCENE 2

      SCENE 3

      SCENE 4

      SCENE 5

      SCENE 6

      SCENE 7

      SCENE 8

      SCENE 9

       PRODUCTION HISTORY

      The Motherfucker with the Hat was developed at the Ojai Playwrights Conference (Robert Egan, Artistic Director) and LAByrinth Theater Company (Stephen Adly Guirgis, Mimi O’Donnell, Yul Vázquez, Artistic Directors).

      The Motherfucker with the Hat received its world premiere on Broadway at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre on April 11, 2011. It was produced by Scott Rudin, Stuart Thompson, Public Theater Productions (Oskar Eustis, Artistic Director; Joey Parnes, Executive Producer), LAByrinth Theater Company (Stephen Adly Guirgis, Mimi O’Donnell, Yul Vázquez, Artistic Directors; Danny Feldman, Managing Director), Fabula Media Partners LLC, Jean Doumanian, Ruth Hendel, Carl Moellenberg, Jon B. Platt, and Tulchin Bartner/Jamie de Roy. The production was directed by Anna D. Shapiro. The scenic design was by Todd Rosenthal, the costume design was by Mimi O’Donnell, the lighting design was by Donald Holder, the sound design was by Acme Sound Partners, and the original music was by Terence Blanchard; the production stage manager was Charles Means. The cast was:

      The play subsequently opened at the National Theatre (Rufus Norris, Artistic Director; Lisa Burger, Executive Director) in London on June 17, 2015. The production was directed by Indhu Rubasingham. The design was by Robert Jones, the lighting design was by Oliver Fenwick, and the sound design was by Carolyn Downing; the production staff director was Harry Mackrill. The cast was:

       CHARACTERS

      JACKIE

      RALPH D

      VERONICA

      VICTORIA

      COUSIN JULIO

      PLACE

      New York City

       SCENE 1

       Late afternoon. A small apartment in a residential hotel in Times Square. Bottles. Ashtrays. Underwear. Veronica is cleaning up. She talks on the phone, cleaning as she goes.

      VERONICA: Yeah . . . Um-hm . . . Nah, Ma, I’m listening. I’m just cleaning . . . Cleaning! . . . ’Cuz Jackie don’t clean, and I like my shit clean, Ma—alright? Um-hmm . . . Um-hmm . . . Yeah, well, you know my opinion on that, Ma—you should dump his ass! . . . Ma—the guy’s an angry, bald, deadbeat alcoholic crook who looks like a fuckin’ fish, I’m sorry! . . . Yeah, well, I’m sure Attila the Hun had his good points too, but that don’t mean I’d wanna shack up in his hut! . . . Attila the Hun. You know, he was a Hun? . . . A Hun, Ma, a Hun, I dunno, a fucked-up guy—a fuckin’ Hun! . . . I am speaking louder . . . It’s ’cuz you drink too much, you shouldn’t do that—hold on a sec. (She spots a line of blow and snorts it) Ma, let’s talk in the morning . . . Ma? . . . Ma? Okay, look, for the last time, my opinion, you’re still a good-lookin’ woman with a huge, lovin’ heart and you’re not hard to please—clearly—but you’re dating a fuckin’ big-time loser with a head like a actual fuckin’ fish! . . . Okay, look, please, alls I’m gonna say, Ma, when you see him tonight: take a moment. Take a breath. Take a real good look and just ax yourself in all honesty—“Do I wanna fuck him—or fry him up with a little adobo and paprika an’ feed him to fuckin’ Buster and Negrito, okay?!” . . . I love you too. I miss him too. Kiss Buster and Negrito for me. I got your check for the cable on Thursday, we’ll eat ice cream . . . love you, okay . . .

       (Jackie enters with flowers; she hangs up.)

       Oh my God, are those for me?!

      JACKIE: I dunno! These flowers are for my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”! Are you my “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess fuckin’ Beauty Queen”?!

      VERONICA: Yes, Mr. Man—I am your big, beautiful, whatever the fuck you just said Princess Queen!

      JACKIE: Then I guess these are yours! And this chocolate bar, and this lotto ticket, and this little tiny fuzzy bear that grips an’ shit, AND—Hold up!—AND these two movie tickets to see the movie that’s playing at the movie theater later when we go see the movie and eat popcorn and Junior Mints and whatever the fuck else you want ’cuz you’re my fuckin’ “Beautiful Boriqua Taino Mamacita Love Me Long Time Princess Goddess Supergirl Queen”—who happens to be eyeballing the newest member of this city’s fine-ass working-class workforce!

      VERONICA: