The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody. Will Cuppy

      PERICLES

      PERICLES WAS the greatest statesman of ancient Greece. He ruled Athens for more than thirty years in its most glorious period, from 461 B.C. to 429 B.C. Or, rather, the people ruled, for Athens was a democracy. At least, that’s what Pericles said it was. He only told them what to do.¹

      Pericles was called the Olympian because of his wisdom and eloquence. He was also called Squill Head, or Cone Head, because his head resembled a squill, or sea onion, a cone-shaped vegetable found in those parts. The Greek comedians made many jests about the unusual shape of Pericles’ head. He was the only statesman they had ever seen with his hat off.²

      Through his mother, Agariste, Pericles belonged to the Alcmæonidæ, a rich and aristocratic family which had already produced a number of statesmen. The Alcmæonidæ were suspected of betraying Athens to the Persians, and several of them had been caught at bribery and corruption. But they had managed to live most of it down, as the other Athenians were too busy living things down to give their full attention to anyone else.

      Agariste’s uncle, Clisthenes the Reformer, was famous for bribing the Delphic Oracle. He even attempted to reform the Laws of Solon, so you can see how bright he was. Solon was one of the Seven Wise Men of Greece and a national hero. He had legalized brothels in Athens.

      Xanthippus, the father of Pericles, was one of the three important statesmen of his day. The others were Aristides the Just and Themistocles. They all won lasting renown by constantly accusing one another of peculation and fraud³ and calling names at election time.⁴ Eventually, they were banished from Athens as public nuisances, leaving the field to Pericles, who was to excel them all in the arts of leadership.⁵

      Pericles was the people’s friend.⁶ He was so fond of the people that he paid them to go to the Assembly and vote, and they were so fond of him that they elected him year after year. You can’t say Pericles bought them up, for how could he help it if they always voted for him? Pericles was rather close with his money in other respects. He seldom had a new suit, but nothing was too good for the citizens of Athens, whom he paid out of the public treasury.

      As democracy means government by the people, the Athenians would gather on the Pnyx⁷ and govern. Pericles would deliver an oration, and then the Athenians would yell and shout and second the motion and make treaties and declare war, and Pericles would add a few little touches to make it more binding. If it was still unconstitutional, he would fix that, too. He reduced the power of the Council of the Areopagus, a group of feeble old men who held their jobs for life and whose duty it was to declare everything null and void. He let them tend the sacred olive trees on the Acropolis.⁸

      Pericles also paid the jurymen, who were chosen by lot and served in bunches of 401, 501, or more. As the average Athenian citizen was not awfully bright, it was necessary to have a great many of them on each jury.⁹ Those who wished to serve drew black and white beans from a large pot, and if they drew a white bean they went right to work. They did not have to prove that they were completely ignorant before they were accepted as jurymen. That was taken for granted.

      Most of the minor Athenian officials were chosen by lot. The ten Generals and the Superintendent of Finance, however, were elected. You could hardly choose them by lot, since peculiar abilities are needed for handling a lot of money.¹⁰ The job does not sound like much fun, as you can’t have any of the money yourself, but maybe you get over that, or something.

      One notable proof of Pericles’ genius was his management of the Delian League, or Confederacy of Delos, which had been organized in 477 B.C. to protect the Greek cities of Asia Minor and the Aegean from the Persians,¹¹ and which was so named because its membership dues, amounting annually to 600 talents, or $750,000, were kept at the shrine of Apollo on the sacred island of Delos. Pericles knew that there are always crooks around who will steal anything they can lay their hands on, so in 454 B.C. he removed the treasury of the Delian League to Athens, where he could keep his eye on it. Pericles found only $3,750,000 in the treasury, when he should have found $35,397,500. I am unable to explain the discrepancy.¹²

      Thus Pericles was able to make Athens the City Beautiful by building the Parthenon and other things on the Acropolis and adorning them with a great deal of art.¹³ The average Athenian citizen, if he so desired, could daily contemplate the most magnificent specimens of architecture, painting, and sculpture the world has ever seen. The effect of this upon the citizens was the same as the effect of art upon citizens today.

      The Parthenon cost 700 talents, or about $875,000. Inside it was a statue of Athena Parthenos, by Phidias, worth around $1,250,000. It was forty feet in height and was overlaid with ivory and gold. The Athenians accused Phidias of stealing some of the gold while he was making it. He had not stolen any of it, but the Athenians thought he had because that is what they would have done. After a while there was not nearly so much gold on Athena’s draperies as there was at first, and pretty soon the statue itself disappeared. It was not nailed down.

      Another form of art was the Greek drama, which consisted mostly of tragedies about Agamemnon and Clytemnestra written by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides.¹⁴ The Greek drama was based upon well-known stories, so that one always knew what was coming next, just as one does today.¹⁵ As the stone Theatre of Dionysus was not built until later, the audience sat on tiers of wooden benches ranged on the hillside and wished they were dead.

      There was also a man named Socrates, who went around barefoot asking people to define their terms. He taught that the good life consists in being good and that virtue is knowledge and knowledge is virtue.¹⁶

      Pericles was proud of all this Greek culture, but he cared more about his private life. He was not a society man and seldom went anywhere, because he could have more fun at home. He was very friendly with Aspasia, a lady celebrated for her beauty and wit, whom he could not marry, as she was born in Miletus and it was illegal to marry foreigners. Pericles had made that law himself in 451 B.C., before meeting Aspasia. He divorced his wife, Telesippe, for incompatibility, and Aspasia moved in.¹⁷ Always the gentleman, Pericles provided Telesippe with another husband, her third.

      This made Aspasia a hetæra, or companion, as they were called. Many of the Greek hetæræ were extremely skillful in rhetoric, or the art of talking. As a general rule, those who talked the fastest were most likely to succeed. Lerne, a popular hetæra, was also known as Didrachmas because her conversation consisted almost entirely of the Greek for two drachmas, or about thirty-six cents in our money.

      The women of Athens were not very happy. They stayed at home and were not allowed to talk back.¹⁸

      Aspasia believed in women’s rights. That is, she thought women were as good as men, a notion that is always cropping up here and there.¹⁹ The position of women in Athens was not perfect, but it might have been worse.