What Every Parent Needs to Know About Self-Injury. Tonja Krautter
and told her the truth. She admitted to suicidal ideation and having a plan to kill herself that night. Her mother immediately took her to the local emergency room where she was placed on a 72-hour safety hold. Later that night she was transferred to an adolescent psychiatric hospital where she remained for two weeks. She received daily group counseling, individual therapy, and family therapy. Sara stated, “I didn’t want to be in the hospital, and every day I begged my parents to get me out, but I know it is what saved my life.”
Is Self-Injury High Risk or Low Risk?
For safety reasons, it is important to understand the difference between high-risk and low-risk forms of self-injurious behavior. Safety is always a concern when an individual is self-inflicting bodily harm. However, it is of the greatest concern when the risk level is high. It is imperative to intervene expediently when high-risk behavior is involved, such as in the case of the anonymous caller described previously. Deep lacerations requiring stitches, or third degree burns, are more likely to cause significant trauma or even death than superficial scratches and singed hair follicles.
There are two measures that determine whether a self-injurer is considered high risk or low risk. The first is the type of instrument they use. The second is the place on their body where they self-mutilate. Higher-risk instruments tend to include knives, razors, glass, and fire sources. Lower-risk instruments may include push pins, paperclips, staples, pencils, and rubber bands. Higher-risk body parts typically include wrists, neck, and inner thighs. Lower-risk body parts are generally forearms, upper thighs, stomach, and shoulders.
There are many consequences to higher-risk behavior. The most vital is obviously safety. However, another consequence, which is often overlooked, is scarring. Most self-injurers are left with scars on their body to indicate where they inflicted bodily harm.
Different individuals have different feelings about their scars. Some are embarrassed, some are proud, and some are indifferent. In any case, they are real and often permanent. Nadia writes, “The 400 or so scars on my body weren’t meant to mock me and scream – You Are a Screw Up! Look at you – years later! But this is exactly what they do.” She states, “It is ironic how the very thing that got me through is now the source of so much shame.”
Conversely, Nicole relates, “I am glad I have my scars. They tell a story about my life and are reminders of the struggles I have worked hard to overcome.” She is not ashamed or embarrassed about her scars and does not want them to fade. She states, “Losing my scars would be like losing a part of myself.”
Joey is indifferent to his scars. He says, “I am not ashamed and I am not proud of them. They are what they are and there is nothing I can do to change that. I knew I would be marking my body every time I chose to self-injure so I don’t concern myself with the scars now.”
Parents have their own feelings about their child’s scars. Most do not like to look at them and are devastated by what their child has done to herself. Parents often blame themselves that they let things get this far without knowledge or intervention. They worry that others will be quick to criticize, blame, and/or label if the scars are noticed. Therefore, parents often want to hide their children’s scars from others.
The individual struggling with self-injury recognizes how frightened, horrified, and even disgusted their parents often are when they see the damage that they have done to their skin. They are easily able to recognize when a parent is embarassed and ashamed of their actions. Although this may be a understandable parental reaction and a predictable consequence for the person engaging in self-injurious behavior, it is extremely upsetting to the person who is struggling with the problem.
Parents often try to hide their child’s problem with self-injury from others. Many are invested in keeping this a secret from others (see chapter 3 for more details). A big part of covering up the problem is covering up their child’s scars. When parents go to great lengths to hide the problem from others (even when well-intentioned), it can make the individual feel worthless, unloved, and unsupported. Many of my patients report that they feel like a disappointment to their parents and that they are “not good enough” in their parents’ eyes.
The following poem illustrates one patient’s feelings about her scars and her parents’ response to this very visible reminder of her struggles:
It wasn’t what you wanted When I pulled up my sleeves And exposed the deeply etched wounds of my past, Healing still, in memory. I remember your face as you examined my flesh You kept the disgust from your voice but it was there in your eyes. Still, you caressed the bitter reminders of years best forgotten: Angry scars patterning arms still weak and frail. With a saccharine smile you tried to reassure me that it was okay that you didn’t mind. But then you asked me to hide them, embarrassed by my pathos. I said I wouldn’t have it any other way, I pulled my sleeves down. But now, months later, I feel used and dirty because you with your savior complex asked for emotional nudity only to escape your own feelings of parental unworthiness And to showcase your perfect daughter with no problems.
The Most Common Reasons Why Individuals Self-Injure
There are several reasons that individuals self-injure. Understanding why a person engages in the behavior is very important in order to successfully treat the problem. Listed below are common reasons that individuals self-injure.
1. To Escape Emptiness and Feel Alive
Nadia shared a mental picture with me to help me better understand the reasons behind her self-injurious behavior. She asked me to imagine a large airy room with sparse furniture and big, wood-framed windows that were open and letting in the soft sounds of birds. In this room, the early morning sun was shining through the open windows and the lace curtains were gently blowing in the breeze. The plaster walls were plain and white, their expanse interrupted only by an occasional ladder back chair standing nearby. The floors were rustic with wide, planked wood. There was only one door leading into the room and it was closed. In the center of the room, bathed in sunlight, was a simple, small wood table with only one object on its surface, a beautiful, cut crystal bud vase holding a single rose. The rose was just beginning to open.
As I followed Nadia’s description, the sunlit, serene feel of the room turned suddenly grey and foreboding when she told me that the entire scene was in black and white, like an old movie. She said that the rose was the only color present and it was strikingly red. “The rose is so red, that when I see it in my mind, I can feel my heart beat, like a passion simmering underneath my skin,” she said. Nadia continued the narrative, noting that as she looked at the rose more closely, she noticed beads of moisture on its delicate petals. She touched these drops of moisture, and they felt unexpectedly warm. When she looked down at her fingertips, she saw blood. “My blood is the tiny droplets on that rose and it is just as crimson as the flower,” she says.
Nadia wanted to feel the warmth of her blood in the midst of her cold, grey world. She wanted to see color again. She wanted to feel again. She says, “I want my passion for life to return. I want it to flow out of me, instead of being buried so deep inside that I am beginning to wonder if it is there anymore. I want to feel warm and red, not cold and grey.”
Nadia eloquently illustrates one of the most frequently cited reasons for self-injurious behavior. She self-mutilates to feel alive and to escape the emptiness she experiences in her daily life. It is common for individuals to comment that they do not “feel real or human,” and that the pain they elicit along with the sight of blood flowing from their body creates a sense of “being alive.” If this seems confusing, think about all the people you know who go to great lengths to “feel alive” or “feel young and energetic.”
In trying to describe this concept to others, I often share an example from the movie, Titanic. Envision the scene where Leonardo DiCaprio climbs up on the ship’s most forward railing. With the wind blowing