Lost. Amber Plum
felt my tears burning in my eyes.
“It is disrespectful for you to speak of my dead brother in the way you did.” I said it through gritted teeth. I began to sob uncontrollably. Mr. Crane reached his bony hand to my shoulder. I was shocked to feel his comforting grip. I calmed my sobs and looked at him, startled to see tears in his eyes.
“I apologize, I did not know.” He shook his head to the ground.
“Levi was one of my favorites.”
I no longer saw the harsh cruel man I thought Mr. Crane was. I saw a tired old man who cared about Levi. I reached up to my shoulder and put my hand on his.
“I am sorry too sir, many teachers did not like him. Thank you for seeing him differently.” I felt the tears burn again as I said it. His compassion gave me an odd, almost happy feeling. It was nice to feel a small bond with Mr. Crane. I took the time to explain Levi’s death. I let him know about the trip and the concert and the drugs. I told him how he was missing for almost a month. When I finished talking, Mr. Crane wiped at the tear that fell from his eye. He told me his sympathy was with me and my family. Then he told me several memories he had of Levi, and how smart Levi was. He apologized for not knowing about Levi’s disappearance and death. He had been out for part of the year last year. It made me feel like no matter what, Levi made sure to still be here today with me.
Mr. Crane and I took a moment to breathe and collect ourselves. We walked back in to the room both with our heads down. All my peers looked at us most likely developing their own theories of how my talk with Mr. Crane went. I was thankful that I was allowed, unlike the others, to not have to fear that old man. I was able to see his true character.
Mr. Crane cleared his throat and announced that he was going to pass out our books. He asked us all to read over chapter one and to be prepared to answer questions over our reading the next time we met. I had been out in the hall longer than I had thought; the final bell rang shortly after our books were dispersed. I left out of the class last and winked at Mr. Crane. He winked back and his eyes glossed over. I felt it was best to leave and let him have a moment alone before the next class.
I pulled out my paper with my classes to see where to go next. I noticed a tall red headed girl was walking next to me. Her hair was in pig tails with the bottom half of her head shaved. Her ears were gauged out and she wore red All Stars. She was punk looking and wore too much eyeliner. When I met her eyes she smiled weakly.
“Hey, that was pretty ballsy of you.” Her voice was pitchy and it seemed to tremble as she talked.
I didn’t want to attract people over what happened in biology. “It’s complicated,” I said coldly as I kept walking. She nodded and respected my numbness almost as if it was a good thing. She followed behind me and walked into the next class with me. She already annoyed me. I sat in the far back corner and Red sat next to me. That seemed to set the pace of the way my morning went; I went and Red followed.
Every class I went to the same kids were in it. Red always sat next to me without speaking a word. I remained silent and locked into my dark little world. I was relieved when lunch time hit. Not for food, but for a chance to find a hole to hide in and disappear for a little bit. The Library would have been nice but I probably needed permission. I was not opposed to locking myself in the bathroom stall if that was what I had to do.
I was almost to the cafeteria when I felt a hand slip around my waist and I felt a kiss on the side of my face. I was startled and pulled away. I looked to see Linden beaming with delight.
“Seriously Linden,” I was furious.
This boy was going to be the death of me. I could not deny the chemistry between us but it would always be a no. Linden was chuckling to himself. He enjoyed teasing me. I swear he did and the biggest thing was I could never promise myself he wasn’t after sex. Linden was sweet and kind when he was being my brother figure. But truly, I knew he was a dog when it came to girls. I couldn’t be another one of his girls. It would be awkward. Even worse it could destroy my friendship with Bitzy. The thing that sucked the most about Linden was he really did drive me crazy. I wanted to give in to him and all his charms. He was the only guy I truly trusted. He didn’t make me cringe or trigger flashes of Em. I could dream of becoming his one and only and someday forever committing to him. But that was where the dream died. Linden just wasn’t a committed type. So I punched him in the arm.
“Hey, what’s that about,” he had a swaggering grin and said it with extreme confidence.
“You know what that’s about Linden, can it. Remember your promise?”
He sighed.
“Yes, but hotness, I am a guy and look at you.”
He checked me out from head to toe. It made my pulse jump and my palms sweat. I sucked in a deep breath and I knew I wasn’t hiding my desire well from him. He brushed some hair from my face and smiled a winning smile.
“I understand Selene, but just know I will never stop waiting. One moment with you is all I will ever desire.” What the crack? If only he could have said he wanted a lifetime, not a moment. I knew what a moment meant in boy world. That very statement was going to be my strength to deny him. I rolled my eyes at him and began to walk.
Linden stayed with me and we walked with less tension. He was easy to talk to. He asked how my day had gone and I told him everything. It was sweet of him to flip to big brother, although he really was barely older than me. He laughed when I told him about Red girl. It was nice to not feel so alone. I knew and trusted Linden and he made me happy. We continued talking until we got through the cafeteria line. He looked uneasy all of the sudden and I knew he had a group of friends to go to. I nodded in acknowledgement.
“I’ll see you around.” He looked up to the left and then up to the right with his eyes and scratched the back of his head. “You sure?”
I knew he wanted to be with his friends, and I knew I would forever reject him, so it would be wrong of me to make him stay. “I am sure, go on.” He left but looked back at me a few times. That was another reason Linden and I would never hookup. I wanted him to stay and protect me but he didn’t. I knew I gave him the go ahead, but he could have stayed. Or, better yet, he could have never displayed wanting to be elsewhere.
I watched him walk away and knew shamefully I was falling for him. I shook my head and realized I was standing in the middle of the cafeteria like a foolish first year lost in chaos. I held onto my trey and my pride and examined my options. I took a long breath and mustered up my courage and started walking. I was not really sure where to go but I was going. The bathroom stall sounded better with every step I took. Then I heard my name. I looked around trying to locate the voice. I thought maybe I was hearing things since I didn’t really know anybody. I took another step towards café latrine and I heard my name again. I looked again and saw that it was Red. I really had nowhere else to go, but I still questioned for a moment whether the bathroom was going to be my best option.
I rolled my eyes, mostly at myself, and I walked over to her table and she motioned for me to sit. The table was filled with the craziest looking girls of the school. All of them had their own unique style that would suggest that you not get on their bad side. Shikes! What was Red doing to me? “Hey.” I said it lifelessly and sat down and picked at my food.
I went the whole lunch not looking at them and not talking to them. I was just happy that I was not alone and sitting in the bathroom stall. It kind of bummed me out that only the freaks wanted to accept me. I must have been more of a freak than I had suspected. I listened to them talk and really they were normal girls talking about normal things. I realized I was most likely darker than all of them combined.When I finished eating what was edible I looked up and caught the dark haired girls glare. “Yeah,” I said it all tough-like, it just flew out before I thought about it. I guess I didn’t like how she looked at me. I knew instantly that that was a dumb move.
“I should kick your face in,” she said as she stood up and looked down at me. There was nothing more irritating than bully types to me. I stood up and gave her my best evil eye. “Not if I kick yours in first!” I said it without fear. By the