Healing Broken Hurts. Nelson Chamberlin
we have learned from others.
I see the purpose of this workshop as DEVELOPING A SUPPORTIVE FELLOWSHIP that will meet some of the relational needs of your life. THE EMPHASIS IS GOING TO BE ON SUPPORT! You have already suffered more than you need to in the condemnation and judgment of others. Sometimes church people are like that. I know why … YOU ARE A THREAT TO THEM. THEY ARE SITTING THERE WITH SHAKY MARRIAGES OF THEIR OWN, AND HERE YOU COME FOOT-LOOSE AND FANCY-FREE, and they can’t stand that! So they push you over in an insignificant corner somewhere and at best ignore you … or worst, they dump unneeded and unsolicited loads of guilt and condemnation on you.
You don’t need any more of that, so we are going to concentrate on offering you a SUPPORTIVE FELLOWSHIP. When this workshop is concluded, I can already guarantee that you are going to single out (no pun intended) others in this group whom you will be telephoning every once in awhile when you need support on a down day … and some of these people may become your life-long friends. You need supportive friendships and we intend to make some of those possible for you.
Secondly, we want to build for you A SOCIAL FELLOWSHIP as well. No, my friends … we are not in the match-making business. I suspect that none of you are ready for that anyway! But we can and will provide a place where wholesome friendships may become established and developed.
Thirdly, we want to build a SPIRITUAL FELLOWSHIP that can help you deal with the problems of your emotions, your deepest feelings, your wounded spirits. What religious background you come from (if any) is of no vital concern to us. We have no intention of using this workshop to increase the number of members in our church. Believe me now … this workshop is for you and our sole motivation is the hope of seeing you grow through divorce.
Now let me share with you some of the things we have learned about the trauma and heartbreak of divorce.
Whenever you lose something in which you invested a significant piece of yourself, you are going to go through the process of grief described by Elisabeth Kubler Ross i ner book … SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, GUILT, BARGAINING WITH GOD, HOPE, and finally ACCEPTANCE.
STAGE ONE
The first, almost universal emotion we experience in a broken relationship is SHOCK. ”OH, DEAR GOD … I KNOW THIS HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.” And yet here it is … and it is happening to you. Divorce until this moment is only a statistic … it happens in 41% of all first-time marriages, 59% of all second marriages, 83% of all third-time marriages. And 50% of the first time marriages being performed today are presumably destined for divorce. ”Oh God … it can’t happen to me!” But it did! And that for many people spells shock!
What does shock do to us? Shock is a God-given reaction that protects us when the hurt we experience is too great to bear. Bang your head in an automobile accident, and if the injury is severe enough you go into shock where you are unaware of what is happening to you. Take a blow to the heart, a heartbreak, and if it is bad enough you may lose touch with reality. Some people retreat within themselves and block out all thoughts of what is happening to them. They deny it mentally. They refuse to talk about it with anyone. They withdraw from friends and social contacts. They move. They change jobs. And what they are doing basically is running away from the issue. ”IF I JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT OR TALK ABOUT IT, IT MIGHT GO AWAY!” UNNGGHH, UNNGGHH!!! That is just so much hogwash.
Those confused inner feelings may run the gamut all the way from personal feelings of guilt for ever letting a thing like this happen to a sense of utter failure, or even the transference of those feelings to a totally different person.
NOW HOW DO WE GET UNSTUCK FROM THIS PARALYZING EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE?
Growing through divorce begins with the admission that this really is happening to me … because you will never adequately and honestly deal with the situation unless you can first admit that the situation exists. One who had gone through a large number of divorces was fond of telling her friends that she was merely “in between relationships.” That is not honestly dealing with the situation.
When you face up to the situation, you may go through feelings of ANGER, BITTERNESS, LONELINESS, GUILT, FEAR, EMPTINESS, WEAKNESS, MOURNING, and hopefully you may eventually experience feelings of RELIEF, HOPE, JOY! We will talk about those feelings later.
One of the ways of prolonging the shock stage is to desparately and unrealistically cling to HOPE. I hear some saying, “There is still an outside chance that we might get back together.” Or “I know he has not been good for me, but maybe if I tried harder … maybe if I give him one more chance he might change.”
WHERE DID WE EVER GET THE IDEA THAT MARRIAGE WAS INTENDED TO BE REFORM SCHOOL? We take people where they are, for whatever they are when we marry them. Jim Smoke writes in his book Growing Through Divorce … “Getting married is like buying a phonograph record: You buy it for what’s on one side but you have to take the flip side too.” Then he adds “Getting divorced is like getting the hole in the record.” WE DON’T MARRY PROJECTS … WE MARRY PEOPLE!
People with unrealistic hopes come to the marriage counselor with ideas that he can do something that they cannot do for themselves. They come to their minister with the hope that he is some kind of miracle worker. They pray to God hoping that the fatal hurts they have inflicted on one another can be healed. Sometimes God does not respond affirmatively to that sort of false hope. You had better realize that sometimes God answers your prayers with the word “NO” instead of “YES.” That too is an answer to your prayer.
Now let me offer several questions that will help you sort out false hope from reality.
1. DO BOTH PARTIES WANT THE MARRIAGE TO SUCCEED?
If both parties really want a shaky marriage to succeed, there is a high degree of realistic hope that the marriage can succeed providing they accept professional help. If one does not want the marriage to succeed, then it does not matter how strongly the other person wants it. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO, and if there are not two people who are agreed that their marriage succeed, you would best just forget it. You have no other choice. That may not be the message you hoped to receive tonight, but that is the realistic truth and you would do well to accept it.
2. WILL BOTH PARTIES ACCEPT PROFESSIONAL HELP IN RECONCILIATION FOR AS LONG AS IS NECESSARY?
Counselors simply cannot work ONE-PARTY MIRACLES. You cannot undo in five minutes what it took fifteen years of wanton havoc to bring about. And you can’t do it solo. To believe anything else is unrealistic.
3. HAS A THIRD PARTY BECOME INVOLVED WITH EITHER MATE?
Experience proves that third-party involvements tend to bring marriages to an end. Some partners will wait, forgive, endure and try to forget (though I doubt they will ever completely forget … for how can you turn your memory on and off at will?). You have to remember what you are trying to forget in order to forget it.
There are a few exceptions to that rule, but the odds are greatly against you if you are hoping to make a HAPPY DUET out of an UNHAPPY TRIANGLE. It just is not that easy. It just doesn’t work that often.
4. WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES THAT WILL SHED LIGHT ON YOUR PRESENT SITUATION?
Hopefully, you will not have to marry as often as Zsa-Zsa Gabor or Elizabeth Taylor or Mickey Rooney to learn from experience. Many marriages contain elements that were out of control long before the marriage became a reality. But people still insist on gambling their lives and their well-being on the unrealistic hope that things will be different next time rather than facing reality.
You would do well to learn from the past. Discover the garbage you brought out of that previous relationship and deal with that garbage before you ever allow yourself to enter into another marriage relationship. Otherwise you will be destined to live that tragedy all over again.
You see, it isn’t really second or third marriages that are bad! It is carrying the same old garbage into those marriages that dooms them. So deal with the junk in your life. Get rid of it and give yourself a real chance at success