The C.A.M.P. Guide to Sex and the Single Gay. Victor J. Banis
wear bridal gown back in the closet. I’m not talking about that kind of “grooming.” I’m talking about the bare facts—the raw material that is you, and what to do with it.
Good looks, charm and manners are of course no guarantee of success in any endeavor. You can bow, scrape and flatter all you like, but if you look like a slob and have bad breath or a greasy face, you’ve struck out before the game started. No man wants the spots cleaned off his suit while you talk, and few of them are still using that greasy kid stuff. So let’s see what can be done to improve things.
Let’s start at the top, with the head (which is just about where we all start, if we’re having any kind of fun at all). A good head of hair is one of the most important things I can think of so far as increasing your “plus” quotient. But don’t, please, misinterpret my remark. I don’t think hair to the shoulders is very attractive unless one prefers women—in which case you’re reading the wrong book. And I’ll admit that some of those VERY young fellows look downright cute with pageboys—I’m referring to the hair style—but if you’re over nineteen, it’s time to trim those locks. Little Orphan Agnes is the only one I know of who could get away with never growing up, unless you allow for that other fairy, Peter What’s-his-name. The rest of us only make ourselves look increasingly silly as Tinker Belle. Here is a fact to ponder: nothing makes a person look so old as working too hard to look young.
What you do need is an attractive, sensible head of hair, styled correctly for you. And if you haven’t yet guessed, I’m leading up to something. Specifically, I’m aiming at those of you who may be a little thin on top. Of course, there are all sorts of funny jokes: So I have thin hair, who wants fat hair? Very funny. And generally unattractive. Granted, that movie actor fairly glistens up there, and I’m one of the countless thousands who get weak in the knees when he comes on-screen. But let’s not kid ourselves, he has a lot of other equipment too, the sort that all manages to go perfectly with his bare scalp. I just don’t have all of that equipment, and if you do, you’re wasting your time reading this book.
In other words, if you are the balding type, run, don’t walk, to the nearest salon and get yourself a toupee.
A very close school friend of mine lost his hair prematurely. There was a time when we were both the same age, but I hadn’t seen him in years when I paid a visit a year or so ago. Poor friend, he was practically bald and looked a good ten or fifteen years older than me. My first reaction was glee—after all, in the past he had looked so much younger, to my chagrin, and now it was my turn.
Then I remembered our friendship, and my duty. I sat him down and gave him my $10.00 lecture on hair, concluding with the suggestion that he buy some—NOW! Unfortunately, my visit was only a brief one, but I later took up the campaign by mail. Finally, a few months later, I stopped by to visit him again. Lo and behold, my campaign had been successful. He was sporting a headpiece, and he looked positively marvelous. You wouldn’t believe what it did for him, to say nothing of those he came in contact with. Before hair, another friend of mine guessed this boy’s age at forty; with it, he could quite easily pass for twenty-five. And that, my dear, is quite a difference.
Oh, I know, you say they’re expensive. Indeed they are, but no more so than that vacation you’ve been planning, or that new sofa, and believe me, they’ll pay off in far greater dividends. Or maybe you think they look phony—no, not if you get a good one. I’ll grant that an expert might be able to spot one, although even that isn’t for certain. My friend, for instance, wore his to a barber—who couldn’t spot it. And you really can do virtually everything in them—shower, sleep and—well, that other activity we all enjoy.
All right, let’s assume you have your own head of hair. Fine, there’s still a lot you should know and do about it. First, and this is important—keep it clean and don’t plaster it down with a lot of junk that will make you smell like the lamps of China. Hair is hair, and ought to look like it. Many of the women who went in for those bees nests a few years ago just found that they had been stung.
Next task—study your face and try to decide what style you wear best. There is a difference. If you have big ears, for instance, make sure you wear your hair full on the sides. It will help camouflage those milk-pitcher handles.
If you can afford it, which I think most of us can, go to one of those many new hair stylists for men. By now they are available in most cities. I go to one and for $5.00 I get shampooed, massaged, treated, trimmed and styled. I not only look my best when I come out, but I feel positively queenly—and never mind the wisecracks. Of course, a regular old haircut may cost you 50% less, but then all you get is a regular old haircut. Besides, your chances of meeting your kind of people at a stylist’s salon are much better than at the local barbershop. And hair styling is an art in its own right.
Maybe you just can’t afford the money, or maybe there isn’t a stylist available where you are. In that case, you’ll have to use a little common sense and work it out for yourself, with the help of your friends. To make it a little easier for you, I’ll offer a few suggestions:
If your face is long, then wear the hair slightly down over the forehead.
If you have a round, fat face, wear your hair higher on top and off the face, with the sides close to the head, to give you that extra height you need.
It’s really quite simple if you think about it.
Also, if you’re at the time in life where the gray strands are showing through and you don’t want them to, by all means go buy one of those do-it-yourself rinses or hair coloring kits. A lot of people love gray temples—I do, for one. But if you don’t feel right with the gray, by all means cover it up, it’s your hair, and your self-confidence.
Furthermore, I find that, in general, short hair will give you a more youthful look, long hair will make you look more mature.
So much for hair, now let’s move down. No, not that far, just to the face. The most important thing you can do to your face is wash it. Don’t forget, your skin is covered with pores which exude sweat and oils. When these get clogged with dirt you may have serious problems. Keep it clean, or you’ll wreck any and all attempts at good grooming.
Of course, you may already have one of those problems—blackheads. It’s not a nice subject, but it’s necessary if we’re going to have you looking your best. There are many soaps, lotions, and gadgets designed to help you dispose of them—some of them work, some of them don’t, but you may want to try a few. Or you can use a more elementary method. Apply a hot towel to your face, just as the barbers do. Let it stay on for 5 or 10 minutes, heating it up again under the hot water tap a few times. Now your pores are opened up; making sure that your hands are well scrubbed, simply squeeze out the little particles of ingrained dirt. Do it gently, to avoid scars. Then, close up the pores you’ve opened by reversing the process—apply a cold towel to your skin, then put on an astringent, after shave lotion, or cologne. Don’t fill the pore up with cream, this will only start another one. Repeat the whole process a couple of times a week, if necessary, to keep your skin clean and glowing.
There is another thing you can do about complexion problems, watch your diet. Sensible dieting has proved more beneficial than all the cosmetics on the market today. If rich foods and pastries set your sebaceous glands (did you ever hear of a less sexy gland?) to churning overtime, try cutting down. And recent experiments have indicated that milk, of all things, may be a prime offender. If you drink a lot of milk, and you have complexion problems, try cutting down on the white stuff.
What about all those other goodies, the creams, lotions, salves, etc., to say nothing of cosmetics. Well, millions of women have spent hundreds of millions of dollars on those items, and you may as well benefit from their experience.
With one or two exceptions, none of them do a thing except give you a nice tingling sensation. Further on in the book I’ll touch upon the subject of wrinkles. As for those shadows under the eyes, you can start working on them by getting a little more sleep. Sleep, incidentally, is by far the most effective cosmetic man has yet discovered. Nothing does so much to keep the complexion clear, or the skin lovely and fresh.
You can also cover up those shadows somewhat