Seven Against Mars. Martin Berman-Gorvine
in time,” Adrian rumbled. “I want to lodge a complaint for property damage against Flash here.”
“Just a minute, let me finish handcuffing him,” the policeman said, feeling around his rumpled gray camouflage uniform until he located his handcuffs hanging from his belt. “Never could get the hang of these things.… Now, does the little piggy go into the lobster claw here, or is it the other way around?”
Jack rolled his eyes. “You want me to do it?”
“No, no, no, thank you all the same, Mr. Flash. Ah, I see.… This thingie here goes in the piggie’s ear over there, and—”
“Ow!” Jack yelped, hitting the policeman on the side of the face as he jerked his hands away.
“Oo, now this is getting serious, Mr. Flash. I’m afraid I’m going to have to charge you with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer, too.”
“And don’t forget attacking a diplomat.” The Martian agent groaned and sat up, holding his right hand over his bleeding face while he flashed an ID card with his other hand. “Which is punishable by up to five years in prison and/or a 50,000 zloty fine. Venusian Code of Law, Section 1302(b).”
Dogberry took the ID card and stared at it with the intense concentration of the questionably literate. Katie peered over his shoulder curiously and did a double take as the cop politely helped the Martian agent to his feet, and, handing him back his ID, proclaimed him a legitimate “diplocrat.”
“I don’t believe this!” Rachel said. “He came in here and tried to kidnap the pr—uh, this woman over here! Mr. Flash was just trying to defend her! We’ve got at least three other witnesses who can vouch for him!”
“Yes, well, that’s for a court to decide,” Dogberry said, scratching his head. “Or Mayor Bellini, if the bribes aren’t big enough—I mean, if the judge can’t. Come along now, Mr. Flash.”
“What about my property damage complaint?” Adrian said, pointing at the bar. “Flash blasted a hole right in my new oak bar! Cost me 129 zlotys to install, that did!”
Dogberry ran a hand through his hair, knocking off his hat without realizing it. “As I say, a court—”
“This is beyond outrageous!” Rachel yelled. “That blast hole isn’t even from Jack’s gun, it—”
Adrian clapped his hand over her mouth. It was like trying to shout through a two-by-four.
“He is responsible,” Adrian said firmly. “I claim my rights as a citizen property-holder to seize Mr. Flash and hold his person here until such time as he makes good on the debt. Venusian Code of Law, Section 1065(a)(9).”
“Well, I…hmf…it seems…ah, it seems you are in the right, Mr. Josephus. I’ll be on my way, then,” Dogberry said, reclaiming the handcuffs and absent-mindedly snapping them around his own right wrist. “Say, anybody see what happened to my hat? No? Drat, that’s the fifth one I’ve lost this week.”
“You’re just going to let this ruffian go after he attacked me?” the Martian agent cried. “I shall lodge a diplomatic protest!” And he stomped out of the bar, all wounded dignity, followed by the bemused policeman.
“Thanks, Adrian,” Jack said.
“I really do want the money you owe me, Jack. With the food you and your friends just ate, your tab is now 432 zlotys and 65 groszys. Venusian scorpion-bunny don’t come cheap, you know.”
“Venusian what?” Rachel said, clutching her stomach, while Katie looked at the men curiously.
“Tell me, are all y’all lawyers?” she asked.
Adrian and Jack looked at each other and laughed. “Nah,” Jack said. “It’s just that the Mayor passes a new law every time somebody slips him a few zlotys, so it’s just good common sense to keep up to date.”
“Seriously though, Jack, I need my money,” Adrian said. “You keep shootin’ up my bar the way you do, I’m going to end up serving drinks out in the open jungle.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jack said, waving his hand dismissively. “I’ll get you your money. What I’m worried about right now is, we got to get off this planet. Even allowing for some exaggeration on that thug’s part, it’s gettin’ too hot for us here.”
He disregarded the barkeep’s furious expression, but Anya walked over to the man, turned his head with her hands until he was facing her, and said softly, “The debt shall be paid. I swear it by the name of the House of Olympulski.”
“Wow. Um, okay, princess, that’s good enough for me,” said Adrian, retreating behind the bar to clean up the shattered glass and spilled liquor.
Looking as if she were about to burst with curiosity, Katie pulled the princess aside and said, “Anya, I’ve got something to ask you.”
“Ask away.”
“That funny ID card Ares’ agent pulled out. Was that the Martian flag in the upper left corner?”
“I didn’t see it. What did it look like?”
“It was a rectangle with a fat blue vertical stripe on the left, next to two fat horizontal stripes—white on top and red below. Plus there’s a red star smack in the middle of the blue stripe.”
Anya made a face. “That’s the new flag the latest usurper who calls himself Ares made up. Ugly, isn’t it? The old Martian flag was a thing of beauty—a simple red circle for our planet, plus one golden dot each for the moons Phobos and Deimos to the left and right, all on a plain white background.”
Katie bunched up her fists, then forced herself to relax. “You shouldn’t call the new flag ugly. It’s just like the flag of Texas, except for the star bein’ red instead of white. But I guess you don’t have no way of knowing what the Texas flag looks like. It sure is a weird coincidence, though. The new Ares isn’t from Texas, is he?”
“Come to think of it, there is a rumor—”
“Come on, friends. This is no time to stand around shooting the breeze. Let’s get off this world,” said Eddie, dusting himself off. “You can stay at my place on Ganymede till things blow over.”
Rachel frowned. “But I thought you said—”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s all right, I got me some hidey-holes my ex-wife’s lawyers don’t know about. Jack, I presume it’s not safe to go to back to your place. There ain’t nothin’ you need back there, is there?”
Jack scowled. “What, and leave my duds behind?” He thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “I guess I can always buy some more clothes on credit. I’m all packed and ready to go, long as I got Annabelle here.” He stroked his zap-gun affectionately.
Katie rolled her eyes at Rachel.
“I know, I know,” Rachel whispered. “Unexplored depths, okay? You’ll see them, I promise.”
Chapter 5
Climbing on board a rocket ship and blasting off for another planet was even better than having Katie sock her in the nose for convincing Rachel that there was something really real about the bizarre world she found herself in.
The space port was surprisingly sleazy and dilapidated, although given what Rachel had seen so far, maybe that shouldn’t have been such a surprise. It reminded her of the rundown train station in Lvov, the nearest sizable town to her grandfather’s village, complete with guys slouching against the walls with hands in their pockets, flat caps shading shifty eyes. Among them were three or four men in the same kind of camouflage uniforms Officer Dogberry had been wearing, cops or customs officials apparently, though it was hard to tell since their clothes were slovenly and their faces unshaven. One of them was eating a sausage on a bun, which was smothered in sauerkraut so pungent it smelled like rotting garbage. He swaggered up to Jack, sauerkraut dripping from his chin, and