Mrs. Craddock. W. Somerset Maugham
enough in her breast, they beat against one another like birds in a net struggling to get free; but not for worlds would Bertha have bidden any one look in her heart full of expectation, of longing, of a hundred strange desires. She went out on the highroad that led from Blackstable to Tercanbury, she looked up and down with a tremor, and a quick beating of the heart. But the road was empty, swept by the winter wind, and she almost sobbed with disappointment.
She could not return to the house; a roof just then would stifle her, and the walls seemed like a prison: there was a certain pleasure in the biting wind that blew through her clothes and chilled her to the bone. The waiting was terrible. She entered the grounds and looked up the carriage-drive to the big white house which was hers. The very roadway was in need of repair, and the dead leaves that none troubled about rustled hither and thither in the gusts of wind. The house stood in its squareness without relation to any environment: built in the reign of George II., it seemed to have acquired no hold upon the land which bore it. With its plain front and many windows, the Doric portico exactly in the middle, it looked as if it were merely placed upon the ground as a house of cards is built upon the floor, with no foundations. The passing years had given it no beauty, and it stood now as for more than a century it had stood, a blot upon the landscape, vulgar and new. Surrounded by the fields, it had no garden but for a few beds planted about its feet, and in these the flowers, uncared for, had grown wild or withered away.
The day was declining and the lowering clouds seemed to shut out the light. Bertha gave up hope. But she looked once more down the hill and her heart gave a great thud against her chest; she felt herself blushing furiously. Her blood seemed to rush through the vessels with sudden rapidity, and in dismay at her want of composure she had an impulse to turn quickly and fly. She forgot the sickening expectation, the hours she had spent in looking for the figure that tramped up the hill.
Of course it was a man! He came nearer, a tall fellow of twenty-seven, massively set together, big boned, with long arms and legs, and a magnificent breadth of chest. Bertha recognised the costume that always pleased her, the knickerbockers and gaiters, the Norfolk-jacket of rough tweed, the white stock and the cap—all redolent of the country which for his sake she was beginning to love, and all vigorously masculine. Even the huge boots which covered his feet gave her by their very size a thrill of pleasure; their dimensions suggested a certain firmness of character, a masterfulness, which were intensely reassuring. The style of dress fitted perfectly the background of brown road and of ploughed field. Bertha wondered if he knew that he was exceedingly picturesque as he climbed the hill.
"Afternoon, Miss Bertha."
He showed no sign of pausing, and the girl's heart sank at the thought that he might go on with only a commonplace word of greeting.
"I thought it was you I saw coming up the hill," she said, stretching out her hand.
He stopped and shook it; the touch of his big, firm fingers made her tremble. His hand was massive and hard as if it were hewn of stone. She looked up at him and smiled.
"Isn't it cold?" she said. It is terrible to be desirous of saying all sorts of passionate things, while convention debars you from any but the most commonplace.
"You haven't been walking at the rate of five miles an hour," he said, cheerily. "I've been into Blackstable to see about buying a nag."
He was the very picture of health; the winds of November were like summer breezes to him, and his face glowed with the pleasant cold. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes glistened. His vitality was intense, shining out upon others with almost a material warmth.
"Were you going out?" he asked.
"Oh no," Bertha replied, without strict regard to truth. "I just walked down to the gate and I happened to catch sight of you."
"I am very glad—I see you so seldom now, Miss Bertha."
"I wish you wouldn't call me Miss Bertha," she cried, "it sounds horrid." It was worse than that, it sounded almost menial. "When we were boy and girl we used to call each other by our Christian names."
He blushed a little and his modesty filled Bertha with delight.
"Yes, but when you came back six months ago, you had changed so much—I didn't dare; and besides, you called me Mr. Craddock."
"Well, I won't any more," she said, laughing; "I'd much sooner call you Edward."
She did not add that the word seemed to her the most beautiful in the whole list of Christian names, nor that in the past few weeks she had already repeated it to herself a thousand times.
"It'll be like old days," he said. "D'you remember what fun we used to have when you were a little girl, before you went abroad with Mr. Ley?"
"I remember that you used to look upon me with great contempt because I was a little girl," she replied, laughing.
"Well, I was awfully frightened the first time I saw you again—with your hair up and long dresses."
"I'm not really very terrible."
For five minutes they had been looking into one another's eyes, and suddenly, without obvious reason, Craddock blushed. Bertha noticed it, and a strange little thrill went through her; she reddened too, and her dark eyes flashed even more brightly than before.
"I wish I didn't see you so seldom, Miss Bertha," he said.
"You have only yourself to blame, fair sir. You perceive the road that leads to my palace, and at the end you will certainly find a door."
"I'm rather afraid of your aunt."
It was on the tip of Bertha's tongue to say that faint heart never won fair lady, but for modesty's sake she refrained. Her spirits had suddenly gone up and she felt extraordinarily happy.
"Do you want to see me very badly?" she asked, her heart beating at quite an absurd rate.
Craddock blushed again and seemed to have some difficulty in finding a reply; his confusion and his ingenuous air were new enchantments to Bertha.
"If he only knew how I adored him!" she thought; but naturally she could not tell him in so many words.
"You've changed so much in these years," he said, "I don't understand you."
"You haven't answered my question."
"Of course I want to see you, Bertha," he said quickly, seeming to take his courage in both hands; "I want to see you always."
"Well," she said, with a charming smile, "I sometimes take a walk after dinner to the gate and observe the shadows of night."
"By Jove, I wish I'd known that before."
"Foolish creature!" said Bertha to herself with amusement, "he doesn't gather that this is the first night upon which I shall have done anything of the kind."
II
With swinging step Bertha returned to the house, and like a swarm of birds a hundred amorets flew about her head; Cupid leapt from tree to tree and shot his arrows into her willing heart; her imagination clothed the naked branches with tender green, and in her happiness the gray sky turned to azure. . . . It was the first time that Edward Craddock had shown his love in a manner which was unmistakable; if before, much had suggested that he was not indifferent, nothing had been absolutely convincing, and the doubt had caused her every imaginable woe. As for her, she made no effort to conceal it from herself; she was not ashamed, she loved him passionately, she worshipped the ground he trod on; she confessed boldly that he of all men was the one to make her happy; her life she would give into his strong and manly hands. She had made up her mind firmly that Craddock should lead her to the altar.
Times without number already had she fancied herself resting in his arms—in his strong arms—the very thought of which was a protection against all the ills of the world. Oh yes, she wanted him to take her in his arms and kiss her; in imagination she felt his lips upon hers, and the warmth of his breath made her faint with the anguish of love.
She asked herself how she could wait till the evening; how on earth was she to endure the slow passing