Family Ties That Bind. Dr. Ronald W. Richardson
out of a conversation and turning on the TV or as dramatic as leaving the house, the city, or the country. Many people can live in the same house and still be thousands of miles away emotionally.
One version of the cutoff is the man who continues to live with his wife and appears to be in a compliant position, but in fact is emotionally not there. Another version is the young adult who moves away from home and makes duty visits only when it is absolutely essential or unavoidable. That’s what Sue, whose story we started with, did in order to avoid her contentious father, even though she was a capable adult during most of the time of her cutoff.
Those who cut off usually do so because they feel powerless. They think the other person has all the power, and they don’t see any way to be themselves in a close relationship with that powerful person. They are so unsure of themselves that they deny their need of the other by isolating themselves. These people often appear to be very independent, but like the rebels, it is only a facade. Their independence depends on maintaining emotional distance. They cannot be close without experiencing a great deal of anxiety. They normally function quite well socially and occupationally, perhaps even brilliantly, as long as they do not get emotionally involved. The greater the degree of unresolved emotional attachment in the family of origin, the greater the emotional cutoff can be. Those being cut off also feel powerless and think the person withdrawing has all the power. They don’t see any way to be themselves in a close relationship with that person.
Example
After 20 years of marriage Evita and Hernando began to have increasing conflict, mostly because of changes in Evita. For 17 years of their marriage, Hernando had been the master. He used his authoritarian style as a way to cut off from emotional involvement with Evita, the way he had cut off from his family of origin to protect himself from their criticism. Even though he looked superindependent and autonomous, especially in comparison to Evita, he was very dependent underneath. As long as he was distant and in control of his partner he was able to avoid feeling anxious. As long as Evita complied submissively, the relationship worked for him. But Evita stopped being so compliant and finally told him that she was going to leave him. When he found he could not intimidate her into staying, he fell apart. He pleaded with her and told her he couldn’t live without her, that she was the most important thing in his life.
The dependency Hernando had never really learned to deal with in his family of origin continued to be an issue for him in his marriage.
Emotional cutoff from the family of origin is a common pattern. We think that by cutting off from the family, we will be free of their power and influence over us and our problems will be over. Of course, what happens is that all those unresolved issues follow us into our new relationships. The clearest example of this is in today’s serial marriages and relationships where people keep trying with new partners, but are unsuccessful at developing a satisfying relationship. And it’s always the new partner’s “fault.”
QUESTIONS
1. Who cut off in your family of origin? Was either parent cut off from part or all of their family? What happened to cause the cutoff? How do others in the family react to the cutoff? In what way might the cutoff have affected your own development?
2. Are you cut off from some part of your family? How does the cutoff help or hinder you?
When the natural differences between people in a family become too threatening, one or more family members start to demand sameness. Unless one has developed a strong sense of self, the usual response is to react in one of the four ways just described. In contrast, a healthy, well-functioning family can tolerate many differences between family members. They think the differences are interesting and positive and use them for mutual stimulation and growth rather than fear them.
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