Tears to Triumph:. Dawn Marie Daniels
puts us in a pool that will require us to work harder and outperform everyone. You’ll be dealing with your issues as well as the challenges of your loved ones. The more efficient and talented you are, the more taxing it is to keep everyone else afloat. There’s always a list to complete, one more telephone call to make, and we are leaned upon for our generosity, our resources, and ideas—never getting much rest, especially from the surprises that take residence in our lives.
Whether it’s family, home, or work—overcoming an enormous obstacle is a successful ending of a struggle; the victory may have been narrow, but you were able to cinch the win. Winning is fluid because a triumph does not require the trophy, but the change that you establish because you have taken on the challenge.
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EVERYONE DESERVES THE RIGHT ONE
By Sheila Curry Oakes
Yet again, I was crying on a friend’s shoulder about a guy. He didn’t call when he said he would, he canceled our date at the last minute, he disappeared for days—it was all or one of the above and not for the first time either. She simply looked at me and said, “I don’t like the way he treats you.” At first, I was angry and began to defend him, but the words died before I could get them out. She was right.
That night I had a good cry and took a look at my love life and my life in general. I decided that I was okay. It was okay that my cat was the only male in my life. It was more than okay that I had wonderful friends who cared about me. I had a job; I had a roof over my head. I decided then and there that I was done with men/boys/dudes/ guys. I was thirty-six years old and solo was the way to go.
When he called again, I summoned my courage or pride or resolve or something and said, “I don’t think it is a good idea for us to get together anymore.” He didn’t really put up too much of a fight. After we hung up, I felt so good and happy. Who knew that saying no could lead to happiness?
A few weeks later I was at the gym and a friend introduced me to Graham, who had just moved to town. I refused to be interested. But over the next few weeks, I couldn’t help but notice him noticing me. One night, when a few people from the gym went out for drinks, Graham included, I went along. We found ourselves at the end of the bar and talked late into the night—our conversation punctuated by good-byes to the other people we came with. We stayed until the bar closed and that night I kissed him. However, I refused to give him my number because I was convinced there was no point to it.
He can’t say “I’ll call you” if you don’t give him your number, right? Much to my surprise he did call me because he’d gotten my number from a mutual friend. And then, he called me when he said he would, he never canceled a date, and he let me know where he was going to be and when. I found myself not talking about him to my friends. I didn’t have to dissect every phone call, or interpret all that he said and did. I didn’t have to seek translation for our conversations. I trusted what he said and I trusted what I believed about him and the situation. Graham was different. I didn’t have to wonder if he liked me—I knew.
One night a few months later I was having dinner with two friends who asked me how it was going with Graham. I told them about our last date—bowling—which was a lot of fun, and then I started to cry. I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or them. While Emily handed me a napkin to mop up my tears and Jenny patted me on the back, they both said, “What’s wrong?” My voice choked with emotion, I replied, “I don’t want to mess it up.” After all, the one thing all my failed relationships had in common was me.
But I seemed to have beaten my bad track record. Graham and I continued to see each other. I met his family; he met mine. We went to a wedding and a funeral and a beach vacation. We laughed and fought and enjoyed each other’s company. He taught me how to play video games and I introduced him to some great books. Time seemed to run together. Six months, twelve months, two years—we each changed jobs and lived and shared our lives.
Then, one night after dinner it happened. I didn’t really see it coming but I knew something was up because he had been acting strangely all day. He cleared his throat a couple of times and I steeled myself for it. Boy, was I knocked over when he said, “Will you marry me?” and he pulled out a beautiful ring. I could barely see it through my tears of joy. Who knew that saying yes could lead to such happiness?
So there I was, engaged at thirty-nine (long past my shelf date, or so I thought) and we got married surrounded by friends and family. At nearly forty-one, I had our wonderful child. Sometimes as I look back on it, it seems too good to be true. Not all has been easy, but life would be bland without a little seasoning, and tears can bring something to both our sorrow and our joy.
Sheila Curry Oakes is a former book editor and currently a freelance writer/editor. She lives in New York City with her husband and child.
All Systems Down: Emotional Reboot
As women we multitask and manage ourselves to a fault. The many women we have spoken to have mentioned that they had cried due to unhappiness, dissatisfaction with their lives, being overwhelmed, the loss of a loved one, a total sense of despair, loss of control, or the need for change or a breakthrough. One woman described her last experience before crying as hitting a brick wall. She cried, and when it was over she said she didn’t feel better or worse, just tired.
After speaking to many women about how they felt before and after they cried, we’ve found that crying was a form of an emotional reboot of sorts. While some women said that after crying they felt better and were able to go back to doing what needed to be done, others said they felt totally exhausted and went to sleep—crying allowed them the space to stop for however long they needed to and release. Our bodies tend to let us know what we need when we need it. The mind controls the body, and when stress levels reach a peak and all things converge to create the perfect storm of tears, there may be nothing you can do to stop the flow—and maybe you shouldn’t.
What Your Tears Say About You and Your Breakthrough
So let’s get down to it—do you cry? Do you cry at the slightest little thing? Do you hold your tears in and wait until you are alone to let them flow? Do you let it out and then go straight into strategy mode? Or you just can’t relate because you don’t cry at all because you just know it’s not going to change anything? The type of tears you cry may say a lot about how you can break through to the triumph that you so desperately want and deserve. We found that there are some characteristically identifiable tears we associate with stress and coping theories.
Emotion Focused Tears
These types of tears are a result of our emotions. These tears help us to free ourselves from the things we are feeling at the time and move on to reaching the answers we need to remedy our situations.
Release Tears are tears that allow us to release the pain, anguish, or sorrow we may be feeling. Just getting it out, so to speak, is the way that we found these tears to work in our lives. The tears can be associated with a catharsis, a new beginning, and a fresh start. It was by far the biggest response that we got from women who said that they cried. People shared with us that they felt like crying gave them an “emotional release,” that it “released powerful emotions and made way for new ones,” and that it was almost a “physical release” of emotions that helped women to let go. Lorna Lightfoot-Ware of Freeport, New York, told us, “Crying is the physical release of emotion. Rather than yelling, getting sick, or losing sleep, crying helps to wash away some of the toxic and negative feelings.”
L. Danyetta Najoli, a life coach from Cincinnati, Ohio, knows a thing or two about release. She has devoted her life to helping women find their true selves by releasing whatever it is that is blocking them from their goal. “Crying is a release of emotions, whether happy or sad, that allows you to be fully alive and present with your feelings.” Her identification of release tears, similar to that of many other women in the survey, shows us how crying can serve a very real and useful purpose. It helps us start fresh, with a blank slate, washed clean by our very own tears.
Sympathetic Tears are shed for situations that cause us to empathize with another person’s situation.