Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation. Evelina Weidman Sterling
is not remarkable enough, the twins weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and 6 pounds 13 ounces at birth!
And so that is how the Gordons’ front porch came to exclaim “Kids!” It doesn’t announce “Donor sperm” or “Donor egg” or “IVF” or “ICSI.” The bikes and sporting equipment and the double stroller, like life inside the home, say that this is what it is—a normal, natural, content and thriving family.
“But what do the kids think?” you might be wondering. “How do the children cope with information about donor insemination or egg donation? And how could the parents have been brave enough to tell them? I wouldn’t be that brave,” you fear.
Carla and Rob do not see themselves as brave, nor do they see their children as suffering, in any way, from knowing how their family came to be. Rather, the Gordons feel that the topic is one to be handled honestly and openly with their children. Moreover, they are happy to tell all of their children how much they wanted them, how hard they worked to have them, how grateful they are to the donors who helped them and, above all, how thrilled they are to be their parents. It is a joyous story, and one that is revisited in different ways, at different times.
As open as the Gordons have been at home, both are clear that the story of how their family came to be is a private matter. Beyond their minister, their reproductive endocrinologist, their obstetrician and Rob’s mother, who learned because Rebecca told her, almost no one knows what Rob and Carla did to create their family. “We feel it is the children’s private information and it is theirs to share, as they wish, when they wish.” Thus far, Rebecca, the only Gordon child really old enough to talk about donor conception with others, has chosen to keep her story private.
When asked if they have any regrets, the Gordons smile and say, “No, only gratitude.” But then Carla pauses for a moment and speaks a truth about the legacy of infertility. “I have a terrific family. I’m having a blast. I couldn’t be happier, but I’ll admit, I still wonder what it would be like to just find myself pregnant. I know it is a pipe dream at this point, as my eggs are old and I know that our lives are full with children, but how amazing, how wonderful it would be to just one day wake up and find myself pregnant.” With this Carla pauses for a moment and then jumps up: one of the twins is crying and it is time to pick up Jennifer from school.
We thank the Gordons for introducing several of the themes that run through this book. As Carla Gordon put it, “Our family spans the history of modern infertility treatment.”
Reproductive medicine is a changing field
Indeed, reproductive medicine is a changing field. Rob Gordon, the biological father of three children, was once told he would never father a child. Carla Gordon, in her mid-20s when she first attempted pregnancy, never anticipated she would be turning to an egg donor as she neared 40. We cannot begin to fathom the changes that will occur between now and the time the Gordon children are ready to start families of their own.
Our central themes
While every family’s decision to have their baby through egg donation is uniquely their own, we have found there are several overarching themes that many experience similarly.
People make decisions based on their changing reality
Egg donation is often an unexpected journey. Although there are those among you who have anticipated egg donation for many years, the majority of women who conceive through donated eggs never expected to travel this path.
People come to egg donation after loss. You learn you were born without ovaries; you learn your eggs are “old” (even if you are not); you lose your ovarian function because of chemotherapy. Things happen. Your reality changes, and, as it does, you come to see your options through a different lens.
Throughout this book we will remind you repeatedly to “never say never.”
Again, the Gordons’ story is illustrative. When I (Ellen) first met Carla and Rob, they had just learned of Rob’s infertility. As a couple, they were first grappling with questions of donor sperm. If someone had told them then that, even with donor sperm, they would have to try IVF three times, they would have exclaimed, “Never!” Surely, if someone had told them that Rob’s sperm would be capable of fertilizing an egg, they would have exclaimed “Never!” in total bafflement. And, no doubt, the information that their third and fourth children would be conceived through egg donation would have startled them. You get the picture: their reality changed and, with it, their perspective.
You are the architects of your family story and the proud owners of that story
If you choose egg donation, you have the opportunity to formulate your family story. Unlike adoptive parents, who build on a story that is already underway, parents via egg donation make decisions, from the start, that design the story. Throughout this book we will encourage you to look to the future and, in particular, to your hoped-for child’s feelings, as you make the decisions that will begin your child’s story.
Making decisions you feel good about should pay off in many ways. In addition to providing you with confidence as you begin conversations with your child, you should also feel comfortable talking—or not talking—with others. As owners of your family story, it is for you to decide when you want to talk about donor conception and when you do not.
When we both first began working in egg donation in the mid-1990s, there was a climate of secrecy. Sadly, the very people who worked so hard to build their families were slinking around as though they had a shameful secret. Thanks, in large measure, to the outspoken voices of adopted children and those through sperm donation, attitudes are changing. We now live in a time in which parents through egg donation feel a greater sense of confidence and legitimacy.
Why are open conversations with children so important? We have long believed that without openness, there is the risk that egg donation will feel shameful. We worried that parents who did not speak openly with their children would prompt their children to feel that their birth was “second best,” that their parents felt they had “something to hide,” that there was a “missing piece” in their lives. Recently, researchers Bohanek, Marin, Fivush, and Duke at Emory University have offered even more compelling reasons for talking openly with children. They developed a 20 question, “Do you know?” scale and found that children who know the most about their family history, score highest in self-confidence. The authors write, “We experience many important and emotional events with our families, and reminiscing about these shared experiences who we are both within the family and as individuals” (2006). Included in the “Do you know” questions are questions about how their parents’ dealt with adversity such as illness or accidents. Tellingly, there is the question, “Do you know the story of your birth?”
Being open and honest does not mean, however, that parents through egg donation should self-consciously announce to everyone, “I had my child through egg donation,” or, worse, refer to their baby as “my egg donor baby.” Rather, we recommend that people talk about egg donation on a “reason to tell” or “reason to talk” basis. We encourage parents to tell others how their child was conceived if there is a reason to tell them. We remind you that you are not only creating your family story, but you are also determining how and when that story will be told and to whom.
Acting in the best interests of children
Reproductive medicine exists to create children for people who want to parent them. These would-be parents are the clients of reproductive medicine centers and, in many instances, of gamete donation programs. Nonetheless, the primary concern should not be to please would-be parents nor the women who offer to help them. Rather, attention should always be paid—first and foremost—to the well-being of children. In the case of egg donation, we are often talking about unborn children.
Throughout this book we pay close attention to the best interests of children. Adults, whether they are recipient couples or egg donors, should be capable of making informed decisions for themselves. But who speaks for the children? Their rights must be attended to and protected. Among these rights we include the right to know the truth about their origins, the right to information about their genetic ancestry, the right to privacy, the right of access to one’s