Honest Dialogue. Bent Falk
take responsibility from him/her, and that may provide some symptomatic relief, but in the long run it does not really help. If you support someone else in the habit of allowing others to take responsibility for things that he/she might be able to do, you undermine his/her initiative and life proficiency. You thereby end up increasing the other person’s existential anxiety, which in turn heightens his/her appeal for help, and thus a vicious circle is established.
It may turn out better if you help as little as possible and as much as necessary, which means only as much as it takes for the person in need to regain balance and orientation in his/her own life. This way the help will be a help to help oneself, i.e. an impetus to grow, rather than an invitation to regress, meaning the return to a less mature level of functioning. In an acute situation, “as little as possible” may in fact be quite a lot, but that does not take away from the principle that the helpee should, as soon as possible, take over as much responsibility as possible for his/her own life.
Helper syndrome or “burn-out”
It is important that the helper is aware of his/her own wants (“needs”) for succor and help, otherwise so-called “helper syndrome” might develop. That means that the helper transfers (projects) his/her longings and desires onto the helpee and tries to help him/herself by proxy through the other.
Neither person is helped by this. For the helper, it may lead to a one-sided and rigid encounter in which he/she insists on helping the other in precisely his/her own way and at his/her own pace and construes it as a personal failure (narcissistic injury) if he/she fails. This may in turn lead to a state of burn-out in the helper, which is characterized, among other things, by a sense of rejection, depression, and low self-esteem. Additionally, in the person being helped, it may cause a considerable amount of (hidden) resentment and therefore resistance to the situation. The overbearing attitude of the helper is perceived by the person in need as a denial of his/her autonomy: he/she is not seen, heard, or respected, with his/her own real issues and personality.
It may be difficult for the helper to change a habit of trying to help too much because the pattern is supported by idealized notions of kindness and love of humanity. The helper may get praise and prestige by doing as much good for the other person as possible, rather than doing as little as possible in order for the other person to be able to help him/herself. In reality, however, helping in order for the helper to look good is turning the other person into a means rather than an end. When the sufferer is being used by the rescuer to maintain for him/herself a certain (stereotype) self-image as The Good Helper, it is selfishness in disguise.
The best way for the helper to avoid this pattern is through self-awareness and a non-judgmental (non-moralistic) approach to his/her own wants. You might, for instance, choose to understand your fatigue merely as a need for rest (description), rather than as “laziness” or “weakness” (evaluation). The paradox is that you help the other person best when you take your own wants seriously. That means that you take direct action to get what you do want or do not want, instead of repressing your wishes or trying to get them fulfilled indirectly through manipulation. As a minimum, you state your wishes (preferences) in clear language rather than playing a guessing game, so you do not turn the other person into your substitute, doing what you as the helper so far have been unable to do for yourself, such as “grieve” or “grow up.” In provocative terms, the best helper might be said to be exactly what most helpers fear being called, i.e. ignorant, lazy, and selfish. Ignorant in that you seek information about the problem from the only one who knows—the helpee—instead of thinking you already know or know better. Lazy in that you do not do for the other what he/she might be able to do and would benefit from doing for him/herself. And selfish in the sense of being authentically present as the person you are, rather than the one you “ought” to be.
The truly good helper may well be an intelligent and hardworking person devoted to the service of people in need, but, paradoxically, to do good often takes doing something bad. The unlimited good comes to be evil (destructive) in that it is unreal and unbelievable, and it encourages an addiction to other-support rather than self-support in the help seeker. So, the good helper does as little as possible for the other person, and he/she is true to him/herself in the contact. That means being transparent with his/her own wants and his/her own limitations, both of which he/she shares with the helpee in relevant amounts (clinical judgment) and without being overly self-critical (moralistic) about it. If, as a helper, you do not dare to be human, you are not trustworthy and you have no real warmth for the other person.
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