The World of David Walliams: 7 Book Collection. David Walliams
suggestion. But Chloe felt glued to her seat. She couldn’t even speak out loud in front of the class. She didn’t want to be on television in front of millions of people!
What would she say? What would she do? She didn’t know any tricks. This was going to be the most embarrassing moment of her life, even worse than when she threw up her macaroni cheese all over Miss Spratt in the language lab. But the applause was getting louder and louder, and eventually Dad took her hand and gently pulled her to her feet.
“You’re feeling shy, aren’t you?” whispered Dad.
Chloe nodded.
“Well you shouldn’t. You’re a fantastic girl. You should be proud of what you’ve done. Now come on. Enjoy your moment in the limelight!”
Hand in hand they raced down the corridor towards the set. Just out of sight of the cameras Dad let her hand go, and smiled supportively as she stepped out into the light. The audience applauded wildly. Mr Stink beamed over at her, and she tried to beam back. Mother was the only person not applauding, so Chloe’s eyes were drawn towards her. Chloe tried to meet her gaze, but Mother turned her head sharply to look the other way. This made Chloe even more uncomfortable, and she tried to do a curtsy but didn’t really know how to, and then ran off the stage, back into the safety of the stale crisps room.
“What a charming child,” said Sir David. He turned to Mother. “Now I have to ask you, Mrs Crumb. Why did you lie? Was it purely to further your own political ambitions?”
The other guests from rival political parties looked at Mrs Crumb and tutted. As if they would ever dream of doing anything so immoral! Mother started to perspire. Her hair lacquer began to melt and her make-up ran slowly down her face. Dad, Chloe and Annabelle sat and watched her squirm, unable to help.
“Well, as if anyone would want that old tramp in their house,” she shouted finally. “Look at him! You lot watching this at home can’t smell him, but take it from me, he stinks! He stinks of dirt and sweat and poo and pond and dog. I wish that great stinky stinker would just stink off out of my home for ever!”
There was shocked silence for a moment. Then the boos started, getting louder and louder. Mother looked at the audience in panic. At that moment her bouffant collapsed.
“WE WANT STINK! WE WANT STINK!”
Chloe peeked through a gap in the curtains. There was a huge crowd of people outside their house. News reporters, camera crews, and hundreds and hundreds of local people waving large pieces of cardboard emblazoned with slogans.
Mr Stink’s appearance on television the previous night had obviously had an enormous effect on people. Overnight he had gone from being an unknown smelly tramp to a hugely famous smelly tramp.
Chloe put on her dressing gown and raced down to the shed.
“Is it time for Lily to meet the flesh-eating zombie teachers?” enquired Mr Stink as she entered.
“No, no, no, Mr Stink! Can’t you hear the crowds outside?!”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you properly,” he said. “I found these rabbit droppings in the garden. They make excellent earplugs.” He popped out the two little brown pellets as Chloe looked on with a curious mixture of disgust and admiration at his ingenuity. For those of you who may find yourself out in the wild and in need of earplugs, just follow this easy step-by-step guide.
First find a friendly rabbit.
Wait patiently for it to deposit some droppings for you.
Insert one in each ear. Larger ears will require bigger droppings and possibly even a bigger rabbit.
Enjoy a great night’s sleep only slightly marred by the smell of rabbit poo.
The Duchess sniffed at the droppings in the vain hope that they might be a couple of rogue Maltesers or at the very worst some of Raj’s despised coffee Revels, but quickly turned up her nose when she realised they were poo, and went back to her makeshift basket.
“That’s better,” said Mr Stink. “You know, I had the strangest dream last night, Miss Chloe. I was on television discussing all the important issues of the day! Your mother was there too! It was hilarious!”
“That was no dream, Mr Stink. That really happened.”
“Oh, dear,” said the tramp. “Maybe it wasn’t so funny after all.”
“It was hilarious, Mr Stink. You were the star of the show. And now there’s hundreds of people camped outside the house.”
“What on earth do they want, child?”
“You!” said Chloe. “They want you to interview you I think. And some people want you to be the Prime Minister!”
The crowd was getting louder and louder now. “WE WANT STINK! WE WANT STINK! WE WANT STINK!”
“Oh my word, yes I can hear them. They want me as Prime Minister, you say? Ha ha! I must remember to appear on television more often! Maybe I can be king next too!”
“You’d better get up, Mr Stink. Now!”
“Yes, of course, Miss Chloe. Right, I want to look smart for my fans.”
He bumbled around the shed sniffing his clothes and grimacing. If even he thinks they’re smelly, thought Chloe, they must be really bad.
“I could put some clothes on a quick wash and dry for you,” she offered hopefully.
“No, thank you, my dear. I don’t think washing machines are hygienic. I’ll just get the Duchess to chew some of the particularly nasty stains out.”
He dug through a pile of his clothes and pulled out a pair of spectacularly dirt-encrusted brown trousers. Whether they had been brown when they started their life was now anybody’s guess. He passed them to the Duchess, who began her task of a reluctant dry cleaner and started munching on the stains.
Chloe cleared her throat. “Um…Mr Stink. You said on the TV show how every homeless person has a different story to tell. Well, can you tell me your story? I mean, why did you end up on the streets?”
“Why do you think, my dear?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got millions of theories. Maybe you were abandoned in a forest as a baby and raised by a pack of wolves?”
“No!” he chuckled.
“Or I reckon you were a world-famous rock star who faked your own death as you couldn’t handle all the adulation.”
“I wish I was!”
“All right then, you were a top scientist who invented the most powerful bomb in the world and then, realising its dangers, went on the run from the military.”
“Well, those are all very imaginative guesses,” he said. “But I am sorry, none of them are right. You’re not even close, I’m afraid.”
“I