Diamonds in the Rough. Michelle Madow
about her feelings. It would be awkward, because she didn’t know Rebecca well, but Brett was worth it.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” She spoke quietly, looking down at her barely touched brunch. “The connection between us….t’s real.”
Pity shone in Rebecca’s eyes. “I remember as a teen feeling like each relationship I was in would last forever, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work like that.” She looked off into the distance, as if remembering something. “High school relationships end for various reasons, even if both people involved are fantastic individuals and have great times together. After those relationships end, it’s healthy to put that person in the past and move on with your life. But if you and Brett dated and it didn’t work out, you wouldn’t be able to put each other in the past, because you would also be step-siblings. It would strain the family, and it would put both of you through an incredible amount of pain.”
But it wouldn’t be like that between Courtney and Brett…. They were different. She couldn’t ignore her feelings for him because they might break up in the future.
On the other hand, Rebecca’s logic was irrefutable. If they did break up, they would be forced to see each other often. They would be a part of the same family. Every time they were around each other would be incredibly painful. Courtney was already dealing with that now, and they’d only been “together” for a week. What if they were together for months, and then had to go through something similar to what they were going through now? It would be torturous.
The smartest long-term decision was to push aside her feelings for Brett to save herself from that hurt in the future.
So after talking with Rebecca, Courtney had had a similar conversation with Brett, during which she’d explained the reasons they couldn’t date. He’d avoided her for weeks.
Now he was practically begging her to give them another chance. But despite wanting to give in—to say yes, she wanted to be together, and see how happy those words made him—she couldn’t do it. She would disappoint the family, and the pain she would go through if it didn’t work out between them scared her. Her sisters believed she was strong, that she could remain levelheaded in the face of anything, but that was only because she kept herself from making unwise decisions to begin with.
“What do you say?” Brett asked again. “Do you want to see where this leads?”
“We can’t.” Courtney pulled her hand away and laid it in her lap. Despite the desert heat, her skin felt cold where it had been touching his.
He sat back and scowled. “Is that really how you feel, or do you just not want to disappoint Adrian?”
“Not wanting to disappoint Adrian and your mom is part of it,” Courtney said, her voice low. “But you know my main reason.”
“How if it doesn’t work out, we’ll never get the space we need because we’ll be in the same family.” Brett repeated what she’d told him after that brunch with Rebecca.
“Yes.” She nodded, her throat tight from forcing the word out. “We’re not just two people who happened to fall for each other. In less than a year our parents will be married. If it doesn’t work between us, it could get extremely messy. We would still have to see each other, and it would be painful. Like what we’re going through now times a thousand.”
“So you do still have feelings for me.” His eyes gleamed triumphantly, and she couldn’t lie to him and deny it. “I knew it. But there’s another way to look at this…the way I choose to look at this. What if it does work out? Wouldn’t it be worth it?”
For a brief moment, Courtney imagined pushing aside logic and acting on her feelings. She loved spending time with Brett, and trusted that whatever was between them was real and deserved a chance. Maybe it would work, and maybe it wouldn’t. If it didn’t work out, she could worry about it then. That’s what Peyton would do. Sometimes Courtney wished she could be daring like her older sister, and let loose and enjoy the present without worrying about the future.
She could wish it all she wanted, but it wouldn’t change who she was.
“We can’t risk it.” Courtney forced herself to sound strong. “Besides, if we dated secretly, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it. I would worry about Adrian and Rebecca finding out, and about how we would never be able to get space from each other if it didn’t end well. I can’t put myself through that.”
“I can’t imagine wanting to end things with you,” he said, looking at her like he truly believed it. “So you have no reason to be afraid of that happening. I promise.”
Her heart melted at how undeniably sweet that was, and she trusted that, in this moment, he meant every word.
“That’s how you feel now.” She blinked away tears. “But you don’t know if you’ll still feel that way weeks from now, or months from now. It’s not a promise I could hold you to.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, taking her by surprise. It was what she’d wanted him to say, but now that he had, she felt as empty as before—maybe more so. “Not that we can’t be together,” he clarified, “but that we can’t know what will happen between us in the future. If we don’t give this a chance, we’ll never know. And I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t live with that. The only way to know is to try.”
Courtney’s heart raced; she wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take before she caved. If he didn’t stop pushing her, she would have only two options—give in and ruin whatever trust she was building with Adrian and Rebecca and risk putting herself through undeniable heartbreak, or distance herself from Brett and not even be friends with him. And as much as imagining them being only friends hurt, it had to be better than nothing. Right?
“You’re making this so hard for me,” she said. “But you know my reasons, and I hope you can understand and respect them.”
“I understand them,” he said, although the determination hadn’t left his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean I agree with them.”
He dropped it after that, although she couldn’t help feeling that it was only for now, and he wasn’t giving up. Which should have frustrated her. She should make him promise to drop it completely, and not push her again.
But she couldn’t do that. Because, while she wanted to believe everything she was saying, she still wondered what would happen if she could set aside her inhibitions and see what they could have together.
* * *
The student tutoring meeting started fifteen minutes after last period, but Courtney didn’t want to be late, so she went straight there. One other person had the same idea: Madison Lockhart. Courtney didn’t dislike many people, but she hadn’t liked Madison since she’d kissed Damien in front of Savannah and made Savannah cry. Even worse, Madison hadn’t seemed sorry about it.
Madison glanced at Courtney and draped her long dark hair in front of her shoulders. “If you’re signing up to get tutored, you’ll have to wait until Friday,” she said, her voice so fakely sweet that it made Courtney want to roll her eyes. “This meeting is for the tutors only.”
“Then I’m in the right place.” Courtney sat down, leaving an empty seat between her and Madison, and dropped her bag onto the floor next to her feet. “I tutored at my last school, and I want to tutor here, too.”
“You can’t just decide to be a tutor,” Madison said. “You need recommendations from teachers you’ve completed courses with at Goodman. Since you’re new, that means you’ll have to wait until at least next semester.”
Courtney matched Madison’s fake smile at the victory she knew was coming, which was petty, but she deserved it. “Over the summer I emailed the teacher in charge of student tutoring with recommendations from my teachers at Fairfield,” she said. “She looked them over and said she would be happy to have me as an English tutor for lower classmen.”
“Oh.”