The Ho Ho Ho Mystery. Bob Burke
be, but I imagined there wouldn’t be much chance of an in-flight movie – or in-flight catering either. On a brighter note, I probably wouldn’t be forced to sit between two Orcs and watch them fight over my peanuts. Every cloud, eh?
‘I’ll contact you when we need to go north, then,’ I said to Mrs Claus.
She nodded in reply and turned to me as she went out of the door. ‘Please don’t let me down, Mr Pigg. Time is short and I don’t have much of it to waste.’ Although her tone was abrupt, I couldn’t fail to notice the look of relief that skated quickly across her face before disappearing behind that stern mask once more. Maybe this wasn’t a con job after all.
‘We’re on it,’ I reassured her as she left the office.
Seconds later – once they were sure she was gone – my two partners peered around the door. For those of you who don’t know them, Basili was an ex-genie (don’t ask) who I’d inherited after my last case and Jack Horner was an annoying small boy and wannabe detective with a tendency to be always right and who had gotten me out of a tight spot or two recently. I hadn’t the heart to sack either of them (yet).
‘Is it OK to come in?’ asked Jack nervously. I waved for them to enter and sit down.
‘You two were a great help,’ I said to them. ‘Where were you when she had me pinned to the wall?’
Basili looked at me apologetically. ‘Well, Mr Harry, you did seem to be having the situation under control and we were thinking it would be better if you perhaps spoke to the red woman on your own.’
For a moment I considered how dangling in the air while an angry woman used my throat as a resting place for her forearm could possibly constitute having the situation under control and then realised that my partners were cowards – yes, even more cowardly than me. They were just the kind of guys I could rely on when we were in a tight spot – rely on to beat a hasty retreat and leave me to face the music. A consensus of cowards – what a team.
‘Well, it looks like we’ve got ourselves another case, so it’s time to get to work. Jack, you need to start talking to other kids. Try to find out everything you can about Santa Claus. If anyone knows, kids will.’ Jack nodded and raced out of the office, eager to be of assistance.
When Jack had disappeared down the stairs, Basili looked at me curiously. ‘Why did you ask young Mr Jack to do this investigating? Surely he will return with the information that this Santa Claus is a jolly old man who is dressing in red, is being very happy and is bringing lots of nice things to them. This every child knows.’
‘Exactly,’ I replied. ‘I just wanted him out of the way while I talked this case over with you. I didn’t want him to hear what we were going to say.’
‘With me? How can I be of assistance?’
‘Because surely that story can’t be true, can it? Think about it: how can one old man possibly deliver that many presents to that many houses all over the world in one night? It’s not physically possible. At the very least it would take an army of Santas – and a fairly big army at that. If he was on his own and could get his sleigh to move fast enough to do the run in one night, both he and his reindeer would be vaporised in an instant. He’d never even get out of the hangar. He wouldn’t be delivering too many toys then would he? Of course,’ and I began to have that sinking feeling I knew only too well, ‘there’s always magic. As an ex-genie, and with your knowledge of things magical, is it possible that someone would be powerful enough to generate enough magic to actually allow him to do it?’
Basili thought for a moment and then shook his head. ‘Even I would not have been capable of it. Such a power would go beyond the realms of magic. I have never heard of such a thing.’
‘Exactly my thinking; now you can see why I didn’t want Jack to hear. It would have destroyed his fantasy about Santa Claus and destroyed his Christmas. I certainly wouldn’t want that on my conscience.’
‘But, Mr Harry, it still begs the question: why did that red woman come to you? Even if what she has said is untrue, maybe her husband has still been kidnapped. She seemed to be most persuasive in that regard.’
I touched my neck gingerly. He had a point. ‘Well, I suppose there’s no harm in popping out to see the scene of the alleged crime, is there? It might give us a clue as to what’s going on.’
Basili clapped his hands in excitement. ‘A clue, a clue. Yes, that is what detectives do. We are finding clues and solving the mystery.’
He probably had an image of us arriving at the scene, walking around with a magnifying glass, picking up clues casually off the ground like we were picking fruit and having the mystery solved before lunch. I tried to bring him down gently. ‘I don’t think it’s going to be that easy: there’s still the possibility that Santa did a runner and will turn up later today looking embarrassed and begging for forgiveness – and if I was him I’d be doing some quality grovelling.’ I stood up and put on my jacket. ‘But before we do anything else, we need to go shopping.’
The ex-genie looked at me with a puzzled expression. ‘Shopping, Mr Harry? At a time like this?’
‘Yes, Basili, shopping. It may have escaped your notice, but as an apprentice detective, partner and potential undercover operative you are hardly a model of inconspicuousness at the present time.’
He carefully considered what he was wearing and acknowledged that I had a point. Flouncy yellow silk trousers that looked like he’d attached a pair of hot air balloons to his legs, an ornate shiny waistcoat that barely covered his chest and left most of his ample midriff exposed, and a pair of shoes that gave the impression they’d be more comfortable being piloted down a canal by a gondolier singing ‘O Sole Mio’ at the top of his voice. No, Basili needed new threads and fast, otherwise he’d be indefinitely confined to desk work.
A thought struck me – desk work, now that’s not a bad idea at all. It would certainly keep him out of the public eye and he could wear whatever selection of brightly coloured silks he possessed – and I probably wouldn’t ever need to pay for lighting in my office again.
At the same time another more predatory thought (I have lots of those too) pointed out that if he did have as much money as he’d claimed then I needed to keep him sweet so I could use some of it to invest in the Third Pig Detective Agency like he’d promised. And don’t get too upset by my seemingly mercenary attitude. The genie owed me. After all, it was me who had risked my precious hide by rescuing him from a very miffed Aladdin (and an even more miffed Edna) and making sure he wouldn’t get caught up in that three wishes lark ever again. The least he could do in recompense was sub me some cash to buy some cool stuff.
I began clocking up my shopping list, all that kit I’d had to do without over the years: bugging devices, proper cameras, cool hi-tech surveillance equipment. With all that gear I could really outdo Red Riding Hood and consolidate my position as the foremost detective in town. All it was going to take was a bit of imagination and some shrewd investment at Gumshoes’R’Us and I was on my way.
‘OK Basili, let’s do it. Two hours from now you’ll be stunningly sartorially elegant or my name’s not Harry Pigg.’
Two hours from now the bottom had fallen out of my day.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but that card is also being refused.’ Danny Emperor, proprietor of Emperor’s New Clothes Men’s Emporium had run three of Basili’s credit cards through the machine and all had been refused.
‘Are you sure?’ I asked, getting just a tad concerned. ‘Can you try it one more time?’
Danny swiped the card once more and, once more, there was a high-pitched and (I thought) gleeful beeping as the system failed to validate it. I turned to the genie, who was becoming more dejected by the minute. He cut a forlorn – if somewhat conspicuous – figure, standing luminously