The Mince Pie Mix-Up. Jennifer Joyce
one as she lifted her arm and caught sight of a hairy pit in the mirror. She doubted Calvin would be impressed if she made his body smell of jasmine and creamy vanilla. Picking up Calvin’s musky deodorant instead, she got herself ready, kitting herself out in a pair of Calvin’s baggy jeans and a gloriously roomy hoodie. Why did she truss herself up like an Egyptian mummy in tight jeans and tops when loose clothing was quite clearly the better option?
‘What are you doing?’ she asked once she realised Calvin had snuggled back down under the covers.
‘It’s still early.’ Calvin nodded towards the alarm clock. ‘And it’s the weekend so I’m getting a few more zeds in.’
Without a word, Judy peeled the hoodie off and kicked off the jeans, resisting the urge to pick them up and fold them neatly away and instead leaving them where they happened to land. She climbed into bed, placed her feet against her husband’s back and gave him an almighty shove so that he toppled out of bed and onto the floor.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Calvin picked himself up and rubbed at his knee.
‘I’m going back to bed and having a lie-in.’ Judy settled herself back down into the pillows. ‘And you’re going to drop Scott off at football and take Charlie to ballet.’
Calvin was still rubbing at his (probably bruised) knee. ‘Why me?’
‘Because you’re Mum now.’ Judy pulled the covers up to her chin and closed her eyes. It was a pity she’d have to wake up and do those jobs herself soon. ‘And that’s what Mum does in this house. Dad is going back to sleep. Oh –’ Judy opened one eye, enjoying the look of horror on her face that now belonged to her husband. ‘Don’t forget to take Miller out for a walk before you go.’
Miller tugged on his lead, insisting that he and Judy (who was actually Calvin but the dog didn’t know that) walk beyond the first tree that they came to. Calvin had expected to dash outside, let Miller do his business and then dash back inside but Miller had other ideas. Calvin found himself being dragged through the village and along the canal, trailing through a muddy dirt track and along the high street, but he was too lost in his own thoughts to put up any resistance. He couldn’t believe he was going along with this. Not the walking the dog thing. He did that regularly. Well, as regularly as a full-time job and his commitments would allow. He couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d taken Miller out, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen.
No, it was the whole body-swap thing he couldn’t quite grasp. How could he be expected to believe that he had switched bodies with his wife? The evidence was pretty damning, he had to admit. Calvin was currently sporting a pair of women’s jeans (which were overly clingy and not very comfortable), a pink jumper (which Judy had found hilarious) and a beige mac, which was the most masculine coat Judy owned. Oh yes, AND HE HAD JUDY’S BODY AND FACE.
What the hell was happening to him? Had the stress of the Benvenuti campaign got to him? His boss had been piling on the pressure lately – maybe Calvin had finally cracked. That must be it. He was stressed and overtired and that was making him temporarily barking.
‘Morning, Judy.’ Calvin’s thoughts were interrupted by the approach of Enid Thomas, Judy’s boss at The Green Teapot. He remembered to play along, smiling and returning the greeting. ‘Are you still okay to work tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow?’ Aha! Here was further proof that this wasn’t real (the first bit of evidence being that it wasn’t possible). Judy didn’t work on Sundays.
‘Yes, tomorrow. You said you’d work an extra shift during the lights switch-on.’
Oh.
‘Is that still okay?’
‘Yes. Absolutely.’ Surely they’d have sorted out this mess by tomorrow and Judy could work the shift as arranged. Calvin certainly didn’t want to be stuck working at the weekend. The weekend was his only chance to rest.
‘And you’re still okay to bake the extra batches?’
‘Yes.’
‘Brilliant!’ Enid flashed him a radiant smile and patted him on the arm. ‘Thank you, Judy.’
‘No problem. I’m happy to help.’
Calvin wondered how soon he could get an appointment to see the doctor.
Judy was up and dressed by the time Calvin arrived back at the house with Miller. She’d tried to go back to sleep but the drama of the morning had ensured that she was wide awake, so she’d got herself dressed again and wandered downstairs, where she’d discovered the toppled Christmas tree and their poor, battered fairy. She’d managed to right the tree and hoover up the pine needles but she was afraid the fairy’s wings would always be a bit wonky from now on.
Judy was in the kitchen when she heard Calvin arrive back from his walk with Miller. She was planning on enjoying a leisurely breakfast for a change. She didn’t know how long this dream would last or what would happen next – perhaps she’d change into Scott or even Miller – so she was going to make the most of it.
‘You’d better hurry up,’ she told Calvin. ‘Scott will be late for football.’
‘Where is he?’ Calvin hung up Miller’s lead and grabbed the car keys.
‘Gone back to bed, I think.’ What should Judy have for breakfast? Cereal? Toast? Whatever it was, she wouldn’t have to cram it into her mouth between batches of cakes or biscuits or on the way to the car. She would have the luxury of sitting down to eat and actually chewing her food.
‘He’s in bed?’ Calvin checked his watch. Football practice started in half an hour and it meant driving into town. ‘Why didn’t you get him up?’
Judy closed the cupboard containing the breakfast cereals. She would push the boat out and have breakfast in the village. ‘When was the last time you got our son out of bed? I’ll give you a clue: he was still in nappies.’
‘That isn’t true at all.’ Was it?
‘I think you’ll find Mum is responsible for all duties involving the children. Which reminds me, you need to go into town this afternoon to do a bit of Christmas shopping.’ Judy had been planning on nipping into town to pick up some bits and pieces while Calvin ferried the children around for their activities, but no! Calvin would never waste his Saturday morning shopping. He hadn’t bought a Christmas present since 2001. Christmas presents – the shopping for and wrapping of (including her own) – had always been Judy’s domain, although not by choice. No, if Calvin thought her life was a breeze, he could have the full-on experience.
‘I’ve made you a list.’ Judy passed him the slip of paper. He was lucky; Judy had already bought the majority of the gifts weeks ago. There were only a few more bits and pieces left to buy.
‘You think this is funny, don’t you?’ Calvin snatched the list and shoved it into the pocket of his jeans.
‘Hysterically.’ It was just a pity Judy would wake up in her own body soon.
With Calvin and the children on their way to football and ballet, Judy took herself to The Green Teapot for a croissant and a pot of tea. It made a nice change to have somebody bringing her tea instead of having to serve it.
‘We don’t usually see you so bright and early on a Saturday,’ Enid said as she placed Judy’s order on the table.
‘That’s because I’m usually languishing in bed until lunchtime.’ Judy smiled at her boss and picked up her warm croissant. She took her time with her breakfast, savouring every moment while it lasted. She wouldn’t get this chance again.
‘Can I get a croissant and a coffee to go?’ Abby Frost barged her way into the tea room in a pair of skin-tight jeans and heeled knee-length boots. ‘Quick as you can. I’m in a rush.’ Marching to the window, she wriggled her fingers at the car waiting outside. Her daughter waved back from the passenger seat. ‘Oh hello, Calvin!’ Abby tottered to