Poetry Man. Melanie Schuster
living room and Emily’s feet were propped on an ottoman, it was story time.
“I guess I should do this in chronological order,” Alexis said thoughtfully. “That way you can see how my lovely hopes and dreams got smashed into bits on the ugly cliffs of reality.”
Emily had to swallow a laugh. “You’re still the queen of melodrama, aren’t you?”
Sherri assured her that she was. “Some things never change.”
“And you know this,” Alexis said with a spot-on imitation of a royal wave. “Now, if you harpies would quit picking on me I’ll tell Emily the sad tales of romance gone wrong. Sherri is my witness. I wasn’t going anywhere alone with a strange man so I would have the guy meet me and Sherri would be there, too, discreetly, of course. Anyway, the first guy was a cousin of a very nice lady from my church. You know they always say that, when you want to meet someone, you should let your friends know so they can hook you up. And what’s better than a church hookup, right? I was pretty sure that Mrs. Grice wouldn’t introduce me to a serial killer, you know?
“His name is Herbert and he’s a teacher. He’s also getting a degree in theology, or so he said. Not good-looking, not bad looking, just average. No real personality, but he was pleasant enough until he told me I was the darkest woman he’d ever dated. And how surprised he was at how pretty I am.”
Emily’s eyes got huge and her mouth fell open. “Girl, no he didn’t!”
“Oh, yes, he did. It was bad enough that he brought up the subject in the first place, but the dummy wouldn’t let it go. He kept talking about it like I was the eighth wonder of the world or something.”
Alexis was indeed the proud possessor of a complexion as dark as chocolate and as smooth as the finest silk. She was also extremely fashionable. She wore her glossy black hair in a short, chic style like Halle Berry’s and it showed off her features beautifully. Alexis wore sleek, contemporary clothes in dazzling colors that brought out her rich coloring and made her look like the best-dressed woman in any room she entered. To some, Sherri, Emily and Alexis made an odd-looking trio. Emily was tall and brown, Sherri even taller and very fair skinned and Alexis the shortest of the trio with her chocolate-brown complexion. She had a hard time getting her head around the concept of being color-struck but there were still folks who clung to the idea that lighter skin was more desirable. It was so silly to Alexis that she generally just ignored the idea and all it implied. When she did stumble over someone who voiced their preference in pigmentation, it was like meeting someone who thought the earth was flat or who believed in alchemy. Alexis rarely encountered the outdated concept unless she was talking to someone who was really dense like Herbert.
Alexis could remember the exact moment when she knew Herbert was going to say something ignorant that would get him placed in her little red book of losers from which there was no hope of return. They met at the restaurant, which was his pick. It wasn’t a four-star gourmet establishment, but it was nice enough for a first date, especially if the male wasn’t foolish enough to expect after-dinner sex. That wasn’t gonna be happening tonight or any other night, ever, no matter how needy she was. Alexis was her usual calm, reserved self, if she had to say so herself; she was ladylike and accepting of his humor; she contributed to the conversation in a friendly manner as long as it didn’t veer into the ridiculous. When she caught him staring at her as if she possessed the secret location of the Holy Grail, she knew he was about to blurt out something she’d regret hearing and sure enough, he did.
“All the women I’ve ever dated have been either light skinned or very pale brown,” he said.
Alexis wisely held her tongue because if she opened her mouth, she’d let go with a stream of vitriol that would land her on the local news at the very least, and quite possibly on the internet. Everybody had a cell phone these days; people who couldn’t balance a checkbook knew how to upload scandalous videos to the web. Instead of lashing out at him, she adopted the expression she used when dealing with social misfits like Herbert. It was a bland, patient expression that gave away nothing but covered a variety of unpleasant reactions. To Alexis’s delight, a large piece of lettuce had lodged itself between his front teeth and she wasn’t about to tell him. It was much too pleasurable to observe his stupid grin with the random bit of greenery adorning it. He just kept rattling on, unaware of the fury that was mounting across the table.
“I’ve never dated anyone who couldn’t go to a paper bag party,” he confided. “But you’re so pretty, they’d have to let you in even though you’re so dark. Your hair even looks good, but it would be better long. How come you don’t get a weave?”
Emily’s laugh was choked off by a gasp of horror. “Girl, no he didn’t! What an idiot.”
“That was the main reason, of course, but he also took my doggie bag,” Alexis said dryly.
“He did what?” Emily stopped in the middle of wiping away tears of laughter to stare at Alexis.
“We went to that Chinese restaurant that serves those huge portions. There was enough food on my plate for three people at least. I couldn’t eat it all and I asked for a to-go box. He promptly confiscated it and took it home with him!”
Emily looked totally stymied by this revelation. “Well, maybe he…”
“Don’t try to make excuses for him. He actually said something about how he paid for it and he should be the one to eat it. Sherri heard him because we were walking out to the parking lot and she was right behind us.
Sherri nodded her head vigorously. “Yes, he did, girl. He grabbed that thing like he had imminent domain or something. Latched on like there was a winning Powerball ticket in it and hurried to his car as if somebody was going to take it from him. But not before he tried to get a little sugar from the lovely Alexis.” Sherri tried not to laugh when she said it, but a few giggles crept out, anyway.
Emily made a face. “He tried to kiss you? Ewwww!”
Sherri couldn’t contain her laughter anymore. “He tried and succeeded, didn’t he?”
“He mumbled something about ‘gettin’ a little sugar from his sugar’ and before I could react his mouth was on me like a vacuum cleaner hose. I’m sure the memory of that impromptu embrace is going to haunt me for the rest of my days,” Alexis said glumly. She brightened up and added, “But he’s gonna remember it, too, because I kneed him right in his party favors. His little favors.”
Sherri was howling with mirth and Emily had joined her, but Alexis didn’t care at that point. It was a funny story, although it wasn’t a testimonial for dating in a modern world. After a few minutes, Alexis reminded Emily that she had more tales to share.
“Well, when the friends-and-family intro program didn’t bear fruit, we tried speed dating,” she reported.
Emily gave a Sherri a surprised look. “Sherri, you went speed dating?”
“No, no, no! You know I’m not going to date until Sydney is at least fifteen. I don’t have the time or the inclination to try and incorporate a man into our lives right now,” Sherri said firmly. Sydney had just turned six and Sherri was determined not to complicate her child’s life with an entourage of strange men. Alexis often told her that a few dates were hardly a parade but Sherri wouldn’t change her mind.
“Sherri didn’t participate in the speed dating. She just dragged me there and loitered around until I had to bolt,” Alexis said. “And before you ask, yes, I absolutely had to get the hell out of there.” She shuddered theatrically as she thought about the night in question. The event was held on a Wednesday evening at a popular restaurant/nightclub. The tables were arranged so the aspiring daters could face each other. In Alexis’s mind it was sort of like what purgatory would resemble.
A couple of the men she talked to seemed nice, but they didn’t strike any chords with her. One man she recognized as the husband of one of her clients. He had no idea who she was, but she definitely knew him. There was no way in the world Alexis could face sitting across from him, so she kept a keen eye on his progress. The bell