Traces of Her. Amanda Brittany
she was ten, she’d dreamed of having a brand new mum who baked lemon drizzle cake, and a dad who made everyone laugh, and a golden retriever called Butler, that they walked every day. Ava’s life was a long way from her fantasy. Her mum was cold and unreachable, and her father had taken off just after Ava was born. Gail told her once that it was her fault they no longer had their dad with them – that she was the reason their mum was miserable most of the time.
The bus rocked and jolted on its way, and she looked through the window at the sea spreading endlessly. A flock of oystercatchers had gathered on the rocks and beach, wading through the shallow waves, dipping orange beaks into the sand for food.
Unexpected rain speckled the window like tears, blurring the view. That wouldn’t please the holidaymakers. Ava rested her head on the glass and closed her eyes, imagining the fun Gail and her friends would be having in the arcades, wishing she was there too.
Now
I get up from the sofa and straighten the cushions and tartan throw. Willow’s call has unsettled me, and as I go over her words, trying to make sense of them, a shiver runs through my body.
I pad towards the window and pull back the curtains to let the sun fill the room once more. The small square of grass looks patchy. It hasn’t rained for some time and the plants are wilting. Our house is a new-build, and like most new-builds we haven’t got much garden to worry about. I feel guilty that I’ve neglected such a small area, but I never seem to have the time.
In fact, I’d been looking forward to the days stretched ahead of me once school closed for the summer. I’m fully aware it won’t be a complete break, as there are still lots of things to do that involve the school, but I’d seen it as time out; time to breathe and make up my mind if my school headship is exactly what I want from life.
I’d hoped for plenty of time to work on the garden too, time to paint the staircase, and buy curtains for Becky’s room. I’d hoped to go swimming, read more, and get in touch with old friends. But now my head is consumed with thoughts of going to Cornwall. A strange little laugh escapes me at the absurdity of driving all that way to see Willow, when she should come straight home.
Sudden memories of Willow storming out of Darlington House a month ago, without looking back, fill my head. The raised voices that day. Willow’s pale face as she opened the study door and ran out in tears, leaving Eleanor alone, her shoulders rising and falling in sobs.
Later, I tried talking to Eleanor, to Dad too, but they said together, as though they’d rehearsed it, that it was something and nothing. You know Willow.
I pick up my mobile, and head into the hallway where I pull on my black, low-heeled shoes I’d worn all day at the school and grab my keys.
‘I’m heading out, Becky,’ I call up the stairs, trying to make myself heard above my daughter’s music. ‘Back soon.’
She appears on the landing in black straight-leg jeans and a baggy, grey T-shirt. Her tightly curled black hair hangs to her shoulders. In some ways she reminds me of myself at almost fifteen. Thin and tall, a little awkward in her own skin. But she hasn’t inherited my youthful acne, or my lank, lifeless hair that still needs far too much product to make it even remotely bouncy. Her smooth, unblemished dark complexion and hair are like her father’s, her eyes as brown and appealing as his. There’s no doubt she’s inherited my ex-husband’s looks.
‘Where are you going?’ she says, nibbling her nails. She does that when she’s bored or anxious or just trying to annoy me.
I fiddle with my keys. I want to tell her about Willow later, when my partner Aaron gets home. I intend to call a family meeting, like the day the hamster looked to be on his last legs, or when I got the headship at Mandalay Primary. There will be a small window before Aaron flies out again, and that’s when I’m aiming for.
‘I’m popping over to see Grandpa and Eleanor. I thought we might grab a takeaway later, when Aaron gets home.’
‘Chinese?’ she says with a smile, the glint of her braces telling me she will soon have perfectly shaped teeth.
‘If you like.’ I turn and reach for the door latch, but her heavy footfalls on the stairs behind me tell me I’m going to have company.
‘Wait up!’ she calls. ‘I’m coming with you.’ I sigh as she thumps down on her bottom at the foot of the stairs and pulls her Doc Martens over mismatched socks. I have to turn away. Socks that don’t match unnerve me. ‘I haven’t seen Grandpa and Eleanor for ages,’ she goes on, getting to her feet with the aid of the banister.
She opens the door and I follow her onto the cobbled drive, slipping on my sunglasses.
We’re halfway to Darlington House when I say, ‘Can you look up from your phone for a second, sweetheart?’ I glance at her out of the corner of my eye.
‘Let me answer Tamsyn first, Mum,’ she says. She’s slumped in the passenger seat, thumbs racing over the screen. ‘George dumped her, and she’s thinking of eating her bodyweight in salted caramel ice cream.’ She looks up at me, and with a serious tone says, ‘I can’t let her do it. I don’t want her to get as fat as me.’
‘Why would you even say that? You’re perfect, darling.’ She is. Too thin if anything, and I worry about how she sees herself. Worry that Willow has been her role model for too long.
Moments later she drops her phone into her lap. ‘So, what’s up, Mother?’
‘It’s just, well … Willow called,’ I say, deciding to come straight to the point.
‘Oh my God. Is she OK?’
‘I think so, but—’
‘That’s amazing,’ she cuts in. ‘Is she coming home? Can we see her? Oh, please say we can see her.’ She presses her palms together as though praying. She adores Willow. ‘Please.’
I note how accepting she is. No questions about why Willow hasn’t been in touch for a month. But then she’s like the rest of us. We all know Willow.
‘She’s staying in Cornwall. I’m going down to see her at the weekend.’
‘O-M-G! That’s the best news ever. I can’t wait to see her. It will make the time go quicker until America.’
I still have doubts about her going to the US alone in a few weeks’ time. Her dad is directing a film out there and has invited her over. At first my motherly instincts kicked in. I wanted her to stay at home where she’s safe, and I know Aaron has doubts too. But then he can be a bit overprotective at times. Eventually I agreed she could go, knowing how much she adores her dad. And he’s a good man. He’ll take care of her.
‘The thing is, Becky,’ I say as we make our way down the motorway, ‘I thought I’d go and see Willow alone. Maybe you could stay with Grandpa and Eleanor.’
‘What? Why?’ She folds her arms across her chest, and her glare burns my cheek.
‘Because it will be easier, that’s all.’
‘How? How will it be easier? I can’t believe you would just dump me.’
‘I’m not dumping you.’ I glance at her, but she’s flicked her gaze to the front window, her face set in a scowl.
‘Then let me come,’ she says. ‘Or give me one good reason why not.’
I can’t. My head spins as I indicate and turn left.
‘Stop!’ Becky yells, and I slam my foot on the brake, almost hitting the car in front.
‘Jeez, Mother, it looks as if you pretty much