Love Islands: Summer Kisses. Joanna Neil
rapid.
‘No, Rach. Don’t do this. This is it. This is the chance to clear the air between us. You have to tell me. Don’t you think after all this time I deserve to know?’
Her face was wet with tears now. He hated that. He hated to think he had anything to do with that.
But he couldn’t let this go. He just couldn’t. It was time for the truth.
His voice was rich with emotion. ‘Tell me.’
It was the thing that she’d always dreaded. The thing she’d never thought she would have to explain.
A thousand variations of the truth spun around in her head. Everything about it swamped her. The words she didn’t want to say out loud just came to her lips. It was almost involuntary, but she’d been holding it in so long it just had to come out.
‘I had renal cancer,’ she whispered. Her voice could barely be heard above the quiet waves. The final rays of the sun had vanished now. The beach was in complete darkness, with only the occasional twinkling star.
Every part of Nathan’s body stiffened. He turned towards her. He couldn’t hide the horror written across his face. ‘What? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’ He stiffened. It was as if something in his brain had just clicked. ‘That’s what the scar is on your back? You had your kidney removed?’
Her heart squeezed. It was obvious he was totally and utterly stunned.
The tears spilled down her cheeks and she nodded. ‘No one knew. I didn’t tell anyone.’ Her voice broke.
His arms moved from her shoulders. This time he put both his hands on the tops of her arms. He shook his head. ‘But why, Rachel? Why would you go through something like that alone? Why wouldn’t you tell me?’
Anger flared inside her. Years of pent-up frustration at having to do what she’d thought was right. ‘How could I? You and Charlie had just lost your parents. You were barely holding it together. I almost didn’t go for the tests. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I’d pushed all that to one side while I’d helped you plan the funeral.’
‘You ignored your symptoms because of me? Because of Charlie?’ He looked horrified. He kept shaking his head. ‘But when did you find out? When did you get the results?’
Her voice was shaking. ‘Just before I left. I arranged to get my treatment in Australia.’
‘That’s why you left? That’s why you left me?’ He was furious now. The ire in his voice was only vaguely clouded by disbelief.
She shook his hands off her arms. ‘Yes, that’s why I left. Why did you think I left? Because I didn’t love you any more?’ She was shouting now; she couldn’t help it. ‘Why? Why would I do that? Do you know what the statistics are for renal cancer? Do you know how it’s graded? You think I should have stayed? I should have stayed and put you and Charlie under even more pressure, even more stress? You were broken, Nathan—you both were. Can you imagine getting through your parents’ funeral and spending the next year trying to support a girlfriend who might die? What would that have done to you? What would that have done to Charlie? Why on earth would I do that to two people that I loved?’
She was almost spitting the words out now, all the years of pent-up frustration firing through her veins. All the anger. All the bitterness of being on her own and not being supported by the people that she’d loved. She’d had her mother, but their relationship had been different. She hadn’t lived with her for more than seven years—since she’d gone to the UK and started university. It wasn’t the same as having the people she’d grown to love beside her. It wasn’t just Nathan and Charlie she’d walked away from—she’d also left her father. He’d tried to understand, he really had, but it had changed their relationship too.
Nathan stood up and paced the beach with his hands on his hips, his head constantly shaking. ‘I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that’s why you left. You didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me enough to tell me about the cancer? You didn’t think I would support you through it? You didn’t think I could handle it?’
He was angry but she felt even angrier. If she could stamp her feet on the soft sand that was exactly what she’d be doing.
‘That’s just it. I knew you would support me through it. And I knew Charlie would too. But in a year’s time you might have ended up organising another funeral. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t put you both in that position.’
‘That wasn’t your choice to make!’ he spat out. ‘We were together. We were a partnership. I thought we meant something to each other. I loved you, Rachel.’
‘And I loved you. That’s why I left!’
Their faces were inches apart. He was furious at her, and she was equally furious with him. How dare he think she’d just upped and walked away without a second thought? She hadn’t even realised that she’d been angry with him too. Angry that he didn’t come after her. Angry that he didn’t jump on a plane to Australia to find her.
Of course she knew that hadn’t been a possibility. She knew that he’d had Charlie to look after, but it still made her feel as if he hadn’t loved her enough.
Not as much as she loved him.
Wow. The thought muddled around in her brain. She wasn’t thinking about the past. She was thinking about the present. No matter what had happened between them, she still loved Nathan Banks. She’d never stopped. Her legs wobbled a little.
‘I can’t believe you didn’t trust me, Rachel. I can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to let me be by your side when you were sick.’ The anger had left his voice. Now, it was just disbelief. It was obvious he’d been blindsided by this. He looked as if she’d torn his heart out and left it thrown on the beach.
‘I’ve always trusted you, Nathan,’ she said quietly. She couldn’t look at him right now, with the tears falling down her cheeks. ‘I thought I was doing what was best for both of us. If things had gone the other way we wouldn’t be standing here having this conversation. You’ve no idea how many of the people I met at that treatment centre aren’t here any more. I was lucky. I beat the odds. I just couldn’t guarantee that. I didn’t want you to have to bury someone else that you loved.’
He stepped forward, his finger brushing a tear from her cheek. ‘I didn’t need guarantees from you, Rachel. I just needed you.’ His voice cracked and she shook her head.
‘I’m sorry, Nathan. I’m sorry I didn’t stay and help with Charlie. I’m sorry you had to change your speciality. But even if I had stayed, I couldn’t have helped. I was too sick, too weak to have been of any use. There was no way I wanted to be a burden to you. You wouldn’t have been able to stand the strain of working long hours, looking after Charlie and looking after me. No one would.’
‘You can’t say that! You don’t know. You didn’t give us the chance to find out.’ Pure frustration was written all over his face.
She pressed her hand to her heart and closed her eyes. These were selfish words but she had to say them. There was no other way. She had to try and make him understand just a little. ‘But what about me, Nathan? I had to concentrate on getting better. I had to concentrate on getting well. I couldn’t afford to worry about you and Charlie too. I barely had enough energy to open my eyes in the morning let alone think about anyone else. I wouldn’t have been a help. I would have been a hindrance, a drain.’ She shook her head again. ‘You didn’t need that.’
Nathan didn’t hesitate for a second. He stepped forward and gripped her arm. ‘You had no right. No right to make that decision for me. You had no right to make that decision for Charlie. You were our family. You were all we had left.’
His words took the air right out of her. In every scenario she’d imagined over the last few years she’d always believed that what she’d done had been for the best. But the force of his reaction